Blah!! and other thoughts about shopping

This weekend I went to the mall. That doesn't sound overly exciting but stay with me. Not that I promise you it will become exciting but I'll do my best. I had a few things in mind to buy but nothing really solidified. I will confess that is my least favourite way to begin a shopping trip. You see I'm not a big fan of malls at the best of times. They are noisy and crowded to start with. The particular mall I chose to torture myself with just so happens to stretch between about 64th Ave and 58th. You got it....it's 6 blocks long. There are two floors so really it's more like a dozen blocks of walking if you don't count all the twists and turns as you try to get by the crowds of teenagers who seem to congregate in 12 packs and say things like "oh my gosh, you're kidding me" as if their friends are always lying to them. Trust me kids you're friends are telling you the truth as they know it. Now get out of my way. I have a lot of stores to hit.

So I start my trip to this marathon of a mall and in search of what else....a parking spot. You'd think in the middle of the slowest months of the retail shopping year it wouldn't be to hard to find a place to put my car so that I can spend some money. Surprise!! Apparently there is a flash mob at the mall. Oh happy day! I did manage to find a spot that was so narrow I practically had to get the WD-40 to slide into it and then a can opener to get out of my car. But the good news is that it's only about 100 feet from the door to the mall. Booyah!! That should really cut down on all the walking I'm about to do....yah, I'm not buying it either.

I managed to get into a few stores without a lot of luck finding anything. Of course remember I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for which makes it that much harder to find "it". Maybe if I'm lucky a little leprechaun will jump up out of the clothing racks and say "Ha ha, you found me pot of gold". That would be quite helpful. Maybe I'll write that on a suggestion card for the malls customer service people. Does anyone ever put suggestions in in there? If they do what sorts of things get suggested? Enquiring minds want to know. Surely nothing as brilliant as my leprechaun idea. Just think how much time you'd save if they had that feature.

So I walk into one of the more popular brand name stores and had been looking at clothing for about a minute when this wash of white light flashes from the ceiling of the store. I look up and the fixture is about the size of a can of pop. I realize I'm kind of thirsty and could go for a can of pop right about now but there is work to be done. The white light is madly spinning around when I hear a chime followed by another. The light continues to flash so I look around the store. Nobody seems to have noticed or cared what this light is. I wonder if this some sort of secret sale? Is this an indication that someone is shop lifting? What the heck is this light for? Still nobody in the store is reacting. I assume they must know that everything is fine because despite me not knowing them at all group mentality tells me that if nobody else is worried about this light I probably shouldn't be either. Famous last words? Hmm, let's take a minute to ponder........alright, I'm sure it's nothing. Just a random light flashing and chiming. I mean that happens everyday doesn't it?

I pick out some clothes to try on and head for the fitting rooms. This is always fun right? Seeing just how horrible you look in the latest fashion trends. I saunter over with the light still flashing and the occasional chime coming from the ceiling. Just after I walk into the dressing room (and a full three minutes after the light started flashing) I hear a reassuring robotic voice say "The fire alarm has been activated, please remain calm as we investigate and try to locate the source". Are they kidding? They have a high tech robot working for them and have lights flashing inside what I presume is every store in the 12 blocks of mall concourse but they don't know after 3 minutes where in the building this is happening. Awesome!!! And now I'm standing there in clothing that doesn't belong to me wondering what the heck to do. I decide very quickly that nothing looks good enough that I want the fire fighters to find my dead body in them so I get back into my own clothes and leave the store. Everyone is still calmly milling about when the announcement is made that the incident is now over and that we "can continue enjoying (our) shopping experience". Yah, I think everyone already was. Maybe this happens so often they don't notice it anymore. Great emergency system guys. Well done.

I walk back and forth weaving in and out of swarms of people who no doubt are as perplexed as I am about where the heck they are going. Recent renovations at the mall including the addition of a new wing have me completely lost. I'm sure I've double backed and retraced my foot steps a dozen times now. Did I mention how much fun I am having? Sigh. My next step is bra shopping. Sorry guys. This was too good to not bring up. Feel free to skip ahead if you must. I know you're probably getting a little squeamish at the thought already. We will forgive you. However before you go I do want to start this section with a big old thank you to the man (or men) involved in this part. I'm not sure exactly who the brain child behind this was but I'm pretty sure it wasn't a woman. You see every bra in the store had a tamper proof dye pack on it. This does not seem extraordinary and at first thought it's not. I'm sure that women steal bras all the time....even the really ugly ones. Who wouldn't want one of those army issue bras for their collection if they could get it for free? Not that they didn't have some nice ones but when I say they were all tagged I mean every one of them. Of course if they didn't make these stupid things $50 for a basic bra then people wouldn't steal them as much. But I digress.

So you'll notice from the photos that the genius who tagged these suckers put every one of them right in the middle so that when you try them on they dig painfully into your breast bone. Sorry again guys. I just said breast....breast, breast, breast. I suspect we've just lost half of the male readership. Either that or we just gained a few. Show of hands how many of you found my blog by Googling the word "breast" and are reading this by accident. Sorry about that...well not really. So lets continue. Now I could have gotten the lady in the over sized sweater and clunky shoes who was working in the change rooms....and who I might add had droopy "girls" herself.....to help me by removing this tag in order that I try it on without pain and suffering but she was busy helping some red faced guy who was desperately looking to buy his wife lingerie for February 14th. I say it was for his wife but really most men have figured out not to attempt this by the time they know their partner well enough to actually marry them. However for the purposes of my story lets say it was his wife. I don't know this woman but unless she is a size 0 (which in my humble opinion is a crime against nature to begin with) she is going to hate him. Less hope she's freakishly skinny because if not it's going to be cold shoulder Monday instead of Valentines day at their house.

So I was stuck attempting to try on a series of bras that have dye tags that dig into my skin so hard it actually left a bruise. I'd show you pictures but nobody needs to see that. Trust me I'm doing you a major favour. No need to thank me. Let's instead thank the super genius who attached all these tags where he did. Good job buddy!! The world is a better place I'm sure. Let's hope you've lead a good life because if not I know what is waiting for you on the other side. Brimstone and bras with dye tags, that's what!! Finally I give up and leave the store. Onward!!

Next is shopping for purses. I say a little prayer to give myself strength during the trying time to come. I hate purse shopping. I've had the same $40 purse for the better part of 3 years. I've been able to trash it. You know why? Because it only cost me $40!! I walked into one of the larger department stores at the mall today and headed for the handbags. I'm looking around and they are all designer labels. The cheapest one is $550 for some crappy looking nylon purse by nobody I've even heard of. I could get a nylon purse at Wal-mart people. In fact I could probably get 20 of them. Why would I buy one from here for that price? So a sales associate happens to be walking through. I politely ask her "where are the not $550 purses?" She smirks back at me and says we have this one here for $520. I don't think she quite understood me. Nor do I think she'd find the witty comeback I have dancing in my head at that moment amusing. I sigh and walk away. Don't get me wrong if I found the perfect purse and it was under $200 and I thought it might actually be worth having I'd probably just put out the money in order to save myself from the disgusted looks of the sales associates at the next store but I'd be insane to spend that kind of money on something that won't be durable enough to survive my lifestyle. A dog that pees on stuff, two wild and crazy kids, and my awesome coordination.  Yah, don't ask about that last one. Let's just say I trip going upstairs....a lot....and when I do I will try to save my face and my pride before my purse okay?

After a long afternoon I finished my shopping with reasonable success. I found everything I didn't know I needed, got sore feet, and a bruise in a place no woman would want one, and got a blog idea to share with you. What more could a girl ask for?......Other than a purse that costs less than a car and a bra that doesn't cause internal bleeding that is.