What if I just cancelled summer vacation?

The end is near. No, not the end of the world. The end of this school year. Both kids have exactly one day left of school this year. Okay, Andrew would be quick to correct me. He has a half day tomorrow so he has less than a day of school this year. Either way both he and Camryn seem excited about the start of summer vacation. I wish I could share in the excitement. I really should be happy about it. It's the end of having to think about lunch at 6:30 am when I'm half asleep and realize that I should have bought some groceries the day before. The end of having to worry that the kids have a matched set of mitts, socks, or even shoes available. No more homework to help them with for 2 whole months. Not to mention the fact that it's summer and we are actually getting weather that is worthy of shorts. Hooray.

But you see in my house the end of school is an end to the predictable routine of life. Even though both my kids are looking forward to summer they do not do well with any kind of changes including summer vacation.

OMG

The next week....okay get real Colleen.....the next two weeks are what I call my own personal purgatory. I can expect non-stop fighting and moodiness from the kids. They don't mean to get into trouble but because they are so "off" during the first few weeks of doing nothing in particular and because there are two of them it is the least fun time of our year.  It's kind of like when you think having a second baby will only be twice as much work as having one but then you realize that rather than doubling you should have squared the amount of work. Two grouchy children is really like having four because they fight with each other so even if one started the day okay by the end everyone is moody and miserable.....especially me!!

Me in the morning. Okay, I'm not wearing any make-up and my hair isn't brushed but you get the picture.

Please give me the strength not to sell my children to the highest bidder or to lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of red wine. Time to hunker down and get'er done.  

Coming out of the dark ages

Okay I'll admit it. I'm one of the least technical people on the planet. I know that if you plug it in and push the power button something should happen....beyond that....well I'm usually lost. So I have been writing my blog for almost exactly 18 months now.....only about 7 of that seriously dedicated and I'm only just now discovering the wonderful world of blog gadgets. For those of you that don't know these are nifty little features....yes I said "nifty". Get over it. These are awesome (happy now?) features that you can add to make your blog even more amazing or easy to use. Yeah me!!

So I'd like to announce that I finally have figured out how to add an RSS feed button as well as a "Follow by email" button so that you can more easily sign up for my blog....should you want to continue reading my crazy rants and the drivel I put out from time to time. Hey you asked for it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

These two features are now located just to the right of my amazing and inspiring content. ----------->

If I'm a Yummy Mommy I'll eat my yoga pants

Lately I've had a bit of an identity crisis. I've been in limbo in several areas of my life. The first and foremost involves my health. After my car accident 6 months ago I haven't played soccer. Being active was part of my identity. Being part of a team also was a way I viewed myself. My doctor wants me to stay hopeful that I'll get back to that but after so many months I still can't really even walk for more that 15 minutes without risking a rocking migraine. I'm also starting to realize just how independent I used to be. Having to rely on other people for so much has also changed how I view myself.

My overall physical condition has changed what I can do at work. I used to be able to get down on the floor to do therapy with the kids on my caseload. Now I don't really have a caseload because I can't do much of anything I used to. There is even some suggestion that work is already looking at retraining me in a new position. I'm not sure what to think about this. The job I am doing now is something I love. I adore working with kids who have autism. This is an enormous part of my life's purpose and who I feel I am at my core. I busted my butt getting through university....most of that time spent working and raising kids while I also took classes. I kind of felt like I had arrived!! Now it feels a little bit like I'm getting kicked out the club. So I have to face the same old question. Just what do I want to be when I grow up?

So it got me thinking: what identity do I still have left? I mean who the hell am I now? I don't play soccer, I don't really have a function at work, and I can't really do much of anything here at home. For now I guess I'm a mom and a blogger. Does that make me a Mommy blogger? I don't really consider myself to be in that league. I guess I see a true Mommy blogger as someone who blogs everyday or at least pretty close to it. I see myself as a casual blogger. Sure I post at least once a week but I guess it just seems different to me.

And please don't think I'm a Yummy Mommy. I don't know if I trust any mom who has her hair and nails done perfectly by 8:30am as she pushes a high end baby stroller around the neighborhood in her size 0 Lulu Lemon clothes. She is a mirage people. She is probably a super model who rented the baby for the day so that she can look like she's better than you. Don't be fooled. Even if I had a whole team working on me I couldn't look Yummy at any time of the day. I'm lucky if my clothes aren't covered in dog hair. Be thankful I took a shower already. That's the best I can do for yah.

So for now my identity is yet to be sorted out. As long as I don't become a Scummy Mommy blogger I guess I'm doing okay.

Recognizing normal

Life has been so insanely busy the last few months. My average week consists of a physio appointment with my awesome PT who makes me laugh, an hour massage which isn't as relaxing as it sounds, my vestibular appointment to keep me from walking into walls....very important, and sometimes my doctor. Then Andrew is undergoing assessments with a physiotherapist, speech pathologist, and occupational therapist.....oh my. The assessments have been part of our quest for specialized services which will basically provide him with some intensive intervention. This of course will bring more appointments. Woo hoo. Bring it!!

Oh and let's not forget about Miss Camryn who is still in the midst of an Autism assessment. She also plays soccer a few times a week and I'm the team manager. Now that I am feeling a bit better after my car accident I'm back at work for 3 hours a day.

Sleeping has become optional.

As my life gets back to a so called normal I am reflecting on how insane it is....or maybe it's just me that's bonkers. Either way we are so stupidly busy I wonder how the heck I'll know when it is actually normal again. I had hoped by this point....6 months after my car accident that my life would look more like it did before hand. Instead every step in that direction seems to bring with it more chaos and appointments.

So if you see me rocking in the corner talking to a stuffed cat as if it were real there is no need to worry. Apparently my complete mental breakdown is the new normal. I see it and I accept it. Awesome.

Some days are just bigger than others

As some of you may remember Andrew was going through genetic testing for Becker's Muscular Dystrophy. That process started back in early February and the wait for today's appointment resulted in some of the longest few months of my life. I was lucky enough to have gotten a bit of information from the clinic nurse when I called in to find out if the report was back yet. It sounded promising but without seeing the entire report or knowing what everything meant I certainly didn't want to get my hopes up.

As long as the last few months have seemed I can say that nothing prepared me for how long today would take. I swear time either stood still or went backwards....maybe both. We finally arrived at the neurologists office for our 1:45pm appointment and heard the results first hand. I am relieved to announce that Andrew does not have Becker's MD. All the results of the test were normal. This is of course fantastic news which also comes with a bit of a bite.

If it's not Becker's then what is it? The answer is....well we just don't know yet. He still has some muscles and ligaments that are a little bit stiff and some that are very loose. In fact while we were in the doctor's office he was laying on the table face down. He had bent his knees and brought his feet up to his bum. Then he relaxed and his legs kind of flopped down onto the bed......by his sides. The neurologist, the resident, and I all looked at each other with that "Ewww" look on our faces. It's like he was a human pretzel. Yet if you ask him to sit cross legged on the floor he can't really do it. One of the funniest things to Drew is bending his fingers backwards and grossing me out. Where he gets this flexibility I don't know.

Drew also lacks muscle tone and endurance yet his strength tests come back normal. The next step she explained would be a muscle biopsy where a piece of muscle is actually taken to be examined. Thankfully though she felt that for now the results were not worth the stress or suffering Andrew would have to go through. She explained that treatment would likely be the same regardless of any findings. We already know what areas he's struggling with and having a name for it or not will not change their management at this stage.

So for now we are to increase his activity level a bit. Swimming, biking, and whatever else he can have fun at. Basically anything that maintains his current levels of muscle strength is in order. I was afraid to ask if she thought he'd continue to decline over time but I'm on board with the plan. If I get brave enough I will ask at our next appointment in 6 months.

Initially when I got home tonight I thought the evening would be about celebration. After all we have a lot to be happy about. However after months of lingering stress it kind of all boiled over and I'd be lying if I didn't confess to just sitting in the middle of the floor and bawling my eyes out. It seems ridiculous to admit to that because after everything that we could have been facing....wheelchairs, surgeries, and medication cocktails I feel stupid crying that my kid likely won't face any of those things. We dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful beyond words. However I also know that I'm human and sometimes emotions don't make perfect sense.

I'd like to take the opportunity to give a big thank you to everyone who has sent their well wishes and support. It has meant so much more than you can ever know. Now that my immediate worries have passed I think it's time for a little fun. Not sure what that will be just yet but I think it's well earned whatever we end up doing. Bring it on.

Oh Gap girls....where have you gone?

"Gap Girl" skit from Saturday Night Live

I have a confession of sorts. Many years ago I used to be a Gap girl. There I said it. Phew. It feels good to get that off my chest. It's not that there is anything wrong with working retail. Really there isn't. It's just kind of funny because I'm not someone who you'd typically think of as working at the Gap. In the 90's Gap girls (and Gap guys too I suppose) were seen as highly trendy, put together, super snobs that could accessorize any outfit in 30 seconds flat. Me....not so much. I can happily go to the grocery store in my generic yoga pants with no make up on. That has really always been who I was so how I ever got hired to work at the Gap was a mystery to me. Sure I had a strong customer service background but I was totally expecting to be brushed off. It was a group interview. And when I say group I don't just mean that I was interviewed by a group of people but I was also in fact part of a group being interviewed. Talk about pressure. I got to sit amongst my fellow competitors and answer questions about myself. I guess because I never actually expected to be hired I was probably more relaxed than most. When you figure you are out of the running anyway it's hard to be nervous.

When they called me to offer me the job I was shocked but I happily accepted. After all I would be working in baby Gap and who wouldn't want to do that? Talk about fun!! All the tiny sweater vests and black pleather skirts were adorable. Of all the retail jobs I've held I will say that Gap was superior to any other. We would have product nights where we would come in and learn everything you can imagine about the products. I could tell you down to an 8th of an inch how much a particular style of toddler jeans would shrink in the wash....and yes I was asked that question by mothers every single shift. By the end of a product night I could also tell you when our ads were running on TV, what outfits were featured in them, where to find those products in the store, and how much each piece cost. In a nut shell I felt like I really knew the clothes and I cared about doing a good job. That was about 11 years ago.

So imagine my surprise when I walked out of the same Gap location in protest this weekend utterly disgusted with the store. I should start by telling you that it was my third trip to this location in as many months. All three visits were extremely frustrating. The first I was greeted about 1600 times by the same employee as if she hadn't just seen me 2 minutes before....or 4 minutes before that....or 7 minutes before that. And talk about an uber line-up to try stuff on. After waiting over 25 minutes I finally gave up on being able to see if anything fit. I felt like asking if I could make an appointment to try on clothes another day and just come back. Well I probably would have asked that if there were any staff at the change rooms that is.

My next visit seemed more promising in the beginning because I found some jeans for Drew almost right away. The only problem is that I picked out a size 10 in kids and it looked like the legs would be too short. He's only just grown into this size so I was surprised to think he's outgrown a 10 so soon. I looked at a 12 but that was way, way too big. Then I noticed that some of the size 10's were longer than the others. Same cut of jean, same style, even the same dye color. I took the long and short pairs over to the counter and advised the clerk that there was about a 4 inch difference within the size. Yah, he didn't care....and he also didn't care to even try to hide that fact. He just took them back over and hung the shorter pair back up. I guess both quality control and customer service is optional at the Gap now. And for the record he had no idea if these jeans would shrink or by how much. Awesome.

My final trip this weekend was spurred by the fact that I was looking for a new summer dress for Camryn. We had first gone into the Gymboree just down the mall concourse but apparently they were having an "Everything in the store is 13.99 sale". After noticing that there was nothing bigger than size 7 on the racks I asked the clerk if they still sold larger sizes. "Oh yes" she replied, "but they cost more so we put them into the backroom during the sale". "Can I see the dresses in size 8?" I asked. Yah, in a nut shell she said that I could not see them....even if I was happy to pay regular prices but that if I came back when the sale was over....blah, blah, blah. Apparently she failed to notice I was there now willing to buy stuff. So Camryn and I reluctantly headed off to the Gap which I was still unaware would be the final nail in the coffin for them. We find our way to the very back of the store....not greeted by a single person.



We weren't in a hurry and took our time getting to the back of the store and not a single employee looked up from folding t-shirts to say "hi". And for the record there were at least 15 staff in the store. We find a lovely blue cotton dress with white lace. Camryn decided on this one and we headed for the till. There was one customer at there and one clerk. At least it wouldn't be another nightmare line-up today like the one I saw a few trips before. Well, maybe my luck was changing I thought to myself. An easy purchase and a store that would redeem itself in my books. Right? Think again. I stood waiting for almost 10 minutes while the lady in front of me exchanged this item for that one...had her kids try on sandals, hats, and spring jackets right there at the counter. She added items and then changed her mind. She ran around for this size and that accessory. She even asked Camryn her opinion about something when her own daughters were off fetching another pair of whatever it was they went looking for. Basically she wasn't done her shopping. Instead of sparing me from the wait every other employee that passed by the till or saw us waiting just pretended not to notice. Okay maybe they really didn't notice but the woman behind the till didn't care enough to draw their attention or quickly ring me through either. Finally we gave up and walked out of the store without making a purchase.

It's bad enough that I could have walked through the store naked, taken a poop at the back of the store, and nobody would have even asked me what I was doing but when you are standing at the till ready to buy something with cash in hand you have to wonder where it went wrong for this store. Does Gap really think they are such an invincible brand that they don't even need to try anymore?

Mind you when Gymboree hides their clothes in the back room and won't even let you see them I guess you can understand why Gap thinks they are all that and a Grande latte!!

So I say "Hello Wal-Mart"!!

Losing brain cells

So here it is. The post I was going to do for Mother's Day but replaced with Shall you never show your face again. If you missed it the first time around you can go back and share in my public humiliation. I bet that sweet love letter is posted on the staff room wall of my daughter's school. If you've shared in my shame already then please continue with this rant about Motherhood.


Life is not always fair to women. Let's all admit that we probably did things during our own childhood's that lost us brain cells. Lots and lots of them. Say maybe something like flipping ourselves over the handle bars of our bright yellow bike because we were trying to show off, or maybe falling down the basement stairs on your new crutches while your best friend watches and thinks your dead, or even having someone in a tree fort high above you try to pass you a chunk of concrete that might just fall on your face knocking your front teeth loose and your parents wonder how they raised someone with so little survival instinct. You know, stuff just like that. What?.....too many details for you to think those are just random examples? It's not like I'm specifically talking about myself here....okay, well maybe I am but just follow me already.

So you make it to your teen years when you ate crap that they have now banned as toxic waste such as the amazing fries and gravy your school cafeteria served that were so addictive you'd almost think they put something like Oxycontin into them, you stayed up way too late listening to music that was way too loud, and some of you may have done other things that exploded brain cells one by one....no further comment. You know what you did. Okay, well if you did enough of that stuff maybe you really don't know. Sorry about that. Maybe you should see a doctor about it. That just might be permanent. Yikes.

Then you make it into your twenties and you might fall in love which anyone whose had the pleasure of listening to two young people talk in baby voices to each other can attest love obviously causes damage to your brain.....I mean why else would you talk to someone like that? You know you aren't 2 right? So you move on in life and have children. Any woman who has been pregnant will know that you become stupid overnight when your brain is flooded with those pregnancy hormones. Take me for example. I locked my keys in the car so many times during my first pregnancy that I was actually cut off from road side assistance with my auto club. I totally blame the pregnancy....couldn't just be me of course......no comments from the lady who lived next door to me when I was 12. Mrs. K you can just keep your stories about having to rescue me to yourself thank you very much. By the way...thanks for letting me in those 87 times. You rock Mrs. K.

Okay, so we can just agree that I already had a locking myself out of stuff problem before I was pregnant. Yah, the hormones apparently didn't help. Eventually your baby arrives and you are so sleep deprived that you can't think straight anyway. You make it through the first year or two as a zombie and find yourself in the wonderful land of toddler TV. If that doesn't make you want to pull your own toenails out. I swear. Then if you think it gets better once your child is a teenager....well think again sister. Now you are stupid no matter how smart you actually are. It's not until your child is old enough to leave home that you actually grow a brain again....and then they aren't even there for you to gloat about it. Awesome. They call it Empty Nest Syndrome but I think it's just that you really want to have them there for the sole purpose of rubbing in how brilliant you actually are.

So here I am in the tiny window of time between the horrors of small children's television and my kids reaching adulthood that I can confidently say I have at least 2 brain cells to rub together. Knowing full well that we are on the downward spiral into the adolescent years and the onset of my shear stupidity. I will admit I was feeling pretty confident. Then the other day Andrew asked me a question. When I answered him he said "Do you mean literally or metaphorically Mom?" Hmm.....well you see......wow, you are only 11 right?.....um.....what was the question again? .....and can you explain it to me usuing little words honey?

I'm so doomed!!

Weathering the storm

It's been a crazy week. Camryn went through assessment for Autism which was emotionally draining to say the least. Andrew had a physio assessment to see if he qualifies for a higher level of intervention. And just because we needed more stress the trailer that I bought just 11 days before had to be moved to higher ground when the nice little river near our campground became a raging torrent of water from days of rain. In the end our camp site was water front property rather than being in the river but it was still pretty close. A huge thanks to the complete stranger who towed my trailer out for me. If anyone tries to tell you that there are no good people left in this world they are wrong. Sometimes those people don't get to shine until the storm clouds move in but they are out there.

So now the weekend is finally here and Camryn was invited to a birthday party today. They had a face painter come in. Well my kid was the only one who didn't have a giant butterfly spread across her face when I came to pick her up. Instead she had this awesome mock tattoo. Way to be an original honey. You brought a smile to my face ye scurvy dog!!

Deja vu

Here I am sitting in the front room of an older unassuming home in a trendy neighborhood of Calgary. Cars are turning up waves of water as they fly through the puddles left by the unrelenting rain. I watch droplets wind slowly down the window pane and drip from the frame outside. It seems like the perfect day to be here and this dreary weather mirrors my mood. "What am I doing here?" you ask. Well I am waiting for Camryn. She is having her ADOS today. For those of you not knee deep in the world of Autism lingo that stands for the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule...."What the heck does that even mean?" you might ask. Basically the ADOS is an Autism test usually administered by a psychologist. It's play based and is often paired with a detailed parent interview. This day has finally come.....again.

As somebody who works in the field of Autism myself I have seen many of these performed. This is actually my third time doing it as a parent.....keeping in mind that I have two children....not three as you may assume. So yes Camryn has been tested before. Two years ago in fact. In my opinion it was a train wreck in every sense of the term. It was heart wrenching, uncomfortable, and in the end I didn't have any confidence in the results anyway. Not that I was unwilling to accept the outcome. It was more that the outcome didn't fit with any of the evidence and nobody even bothered to explain why. We were just shuffled out the door and forgotten. Camryn continued to struggle with the same stuff she always had but now it seemed that nobody was even listening.

Keep in mind how hard it is to go through a process like this even in the best circumstances. It's somewhat like having your insides ripped out.....or at least how I would imagine that would feel. It can be very difficult to face the fact that your child may have a life long developmental condition. For me it was made even harder in that everything that could go wrong along the way did. It's devastating that my first concerns were way back when Camryn was only a few months old and now at 9 years of age I am still waiting for answers. All the programs and services she could have benefited from. The early intervention that the experts say is critical. We missed it all. I find comfort knowing that I did everything I could have. I asked for help and fought hard for what we did get. It wasn't me that dropped the ball but in the end it doesn't really matter because she missed so much help. We can never get those years back. It has been a difficult road to say the least. In many ways the journey has prepared me for this. I guess you'd call this a moment of truth in our lives.

Don't get me wrong Autism has it's gifts. Lots of them as a matter of fact. They are just harder to see when you are in the midst of a tantrum on the floor of the local grocery store or when another mother leans over and asks you why your child is flapping her hands madly at the swimming pool. You have to be tough to have a kid with Autism. It's not for the faint of heart or weak. In the end I couldn't have wished for two sweeter or more amazing kids. I never expected to be part of the wacky world of Autism professionally or personally but I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't have it any other way.

The results will come in a few weeks but here I sit today in this cold drafty house. After 9 long years I'm patiently waiting to find out if I have one foot in the pool or if I'm already swimming in it. I guess there are worse ways to spend a rainy Thursday morning. I could be having my legs waxed after all.

The May long weekend



Rainy day in the trailer



When you say "May long" here in Calgary most people think of camping. Or at least I imagine they do because that's what I always think of. The problem though is that about 9 times out of 10 we have the crappiest weather you could wish for on this particular weekend. Snow, hail, and rain are standard fair. You'd think at some point people here would just give up on their plans to be in the great outdoors until June. I'd like to say that Canadians are just a hearty bunch and despite our reputation for being quiet and polite we can put up with a lot. I'm not sure if it's as much being hearty or if it's just that the winters can seem so long and that even a 10% chance of not needing to wear a parka is worth the effort to get out to the wilderness. Then again maybe we are just idiots. Any which way our campground was packed this weekend despite the poor weather forecast. For those of you that stayed home thinking "Oh well it's going to rain, maybe next year will be better" I'd like to say you missed your chance for the next decade. The weather was actually pretty good. Sorry that you missed it. Okay, well not really. I just wished I had brought some shorts. Whatever you did was your deal.

The kids were at their dads house this weekend so they didn't get out camping until Sunday night. They were excited and a little bit overwhelmed because not only are we at a new campground this season but I have a new trailer that they aren't used to yet. It smelled different, looked different, and sounds different than the one they are used to sleeping in. I have to admit it took some getting used to for me as well. I was glad to have the dog the first two nights when the kids were away. Not sure that he could really protect me if a crazed axe-wielding maniac broke in but I felt better knowing he could at least bark at them and maybe chew on the jerks ankle while he murdered me.
The kids made it through their one night in the trailer pretty well and are eager to come back next weekend. I was commenting to my family that I was really happy how few spiders or other creepy crawlies I had seen at our new site. That was a critical error in judgement on my part. Never say you are so glad something hasn't happened....because we all knows that it will....just because you said it. It wasn't until we were on our way home.....on the highway in fact....that our little 8 legged friend finally appeared. I'm driving down the road in a pouring rainstorm when suddenly I hear a scream from the back seat. In typical fashion I say "What's wrong?" and I get no answer. I don't know if this is an Autism trait or just a kid trait but it is like I'm talking to myself. I am desperately trying to watch the road as my wiper blades are at full speed and barely keeping the water off the windshield. I hear panicked breathes and shuffling in the back ground. My mind runs wild with whatever this possible emergency could be. Finally after about the fourth time I asked what was happening thinking that somebody is bleeding I hear a whispered "spider" from Andrew. I'm not sure why he whispered. I don't think spiders can hear and even if they do I doubt they understand English.

I manage to maneuver the car across 2 lanes of holiday traffic in the downpour and pull onto the shoulder. I don't know what I was expecting to find but I thought from the reaction that it would probably be a tarantula sized arachnid. I will say that I had to take a deep breath before turning around. First I hate spiders. I don't mean I have a bit of a dislike for them. I have stayed up all night when I saw a spider in my bedroom once and it disappeared before I could catch it. I'm not sure why they scare me so much but if they are in my house.....or in this case car they need to GET OUT. The problem though is that I also hate killing bugs. I even have trouble swatting a mosquito. I know that you think I'm a freak. I accept that. It's not so much that I worry about the mosquitoes feelings or family. I hate bug guts.....a lot!! Then the added fact that mosquitoes have blood and guts makes then extremely unappealing to squish on my arms or legs. Blah.

It wasn't quite the weekend I was expecting but it was fun. Camping season has officially started.

On becoming trailer trash

Our very empty camping spot......with Camryn sweeping dirt in the background

I have only just completed my last blog entry Camping, cleats, and cleaning up nature. However what I didn't mention in that post is that I also started looking to buy my own trailer this weekend. I started by searching for a bunk model so that each of my two kids could have their own dedicated bed. Drew always wants the bottom bunk even though he's the oldest and Camryn loves being up top. At least nobody is fighting over beds. I assumed bunk models would be easy to find and in a way it was. However not in my price range....or era. Seems you can have one or the other but not both. Let's just say I've seen some really run down trailers this weekend. Part of my problem is that I wanted to pay cash for my trailer. The idea was to not end up in debt but to actually pay for it outright so that I owned it free and clear.

So off to the RV dealership the family went. The first model I saw wasn't too bad as far as layout however it wasn't overly clean. By not overly clean I mean there was so much hair in the tub you'd think they had shag carpets. Yah, I'll give you a minute to recover from recoiling....at least you didn't have to see it in person. Be thankful that I didn't bring my camera for that tour. The second trailer I saw was a huge improvement but a bit above my budget. It was also way over priced for the model and year but someone bought both of them before the day was out. Maybe they got the shag carpet thrown in for free. Ewww. Oh well, no matter. The second place I went to was also a dealership. The guy pounced on us as soon as he realized that we were buyers. I told him my budget and he proceeded to tell me the qualities of a brand new model that was more than double what I told him my budget was. Apparently he thinks I was born yesterday. I wish!! I know these guys are probably used to being able to talk people into paying more than they intended but the second he realized that my budget was.....well....my actual budget he showed me two run down trailers and then tried to drop me as fast as he could. The third dealership apparently only had trailers that were a hundred years old. Let's just say I was surprised they didn't have square stone wheels. I don't care how luxurious something used to be.....the key part of that statement is "used to be". The sales guy even joked about being able to play my 8 tracks. It actually had a cassette player but let's just say it was probably a cutting edge prototype when this trailer was built. Mind you I'd have somewhere to play my Bananarama tapes again. "Like totally. Whatever". For the record I don't have any Bananarama tapes......anymore.

After getting a little worn out from visiting dealerships I decided on a trailer that was just parked in the local Canadian Tire parking lot with a big old for sale sign in the window. It's 15 years old but in really good condition. It does not have any bunks but does have beds for the kids. Okay so one child will have to get off the table in the morning so I can have my coffee and the other might have people stepping over them to get out the door but it's pretty perfect for us.....well except that it doesn't come with anywhere to play my 8 tracks. Sigh. I guess I can't have everything.

Camping, cleats, and cleaning up nature

Now that the warmer weather is coming it's time for our family to start thinking about camping season again. It was such a long cold winter that we all wondered if it would ever get here. Well I think it has.

I will say that my kids have come a long way with camping. When I was younger my parents and I would make a few big trips a year and I have wonderful memories from those times. I had high hopes in taking my own kids out to the wilderness. For the record our idea of wilderness includes most major amenities. It's not true roughing it but we like it that way. I envisioned the kids and I sitting around the campfire every night looking up at the stars content with just existing. Well our first season of camping didn't go quite the way I imagined. We learned that it's okay if you forget your provincial health card when you rush into emergency. They can just look you up in the system. We also learned that it was indeed possible to have both children in the ER for two separate things in a 24 hour period. We learned that Camryn and spiders do not mix. And we also learned that 10 weeks of summer holidays is more than enough for all of us to look forward to the start of a new school year.

Luckily the second year brought fewer fingers slammed in trailer doors and luckily no little hands touched hot things that have a big sign saying "Don't touch". Guess that whole reading thing comes in handy.....the only problem is the people who really need to know that stuff couldn't read yet. Our second year had Drew in the trailer only about 50% of the season.....the first year was probably closer to 90% inside. He was so unhappy to have his world turned upside down....living in a strange place, with different food, and none of his usual toys. That second summer was a bit better for him and each year after he enjoyed more and more. By the 5th year he was actually eager to go. The problem is that the campground that we had been going to was sold and we ended up having to find a new place. Now normally this wouldn't be a big deal for most kids but both of mine have difficulty with changes. Camryn had a very hard time last summer as we drove away from the old place for the very last time. She was teary on and off for the next two weeks and then throughout the winter whenever she thought about it. To be honest I wasn't sure camping could ever be quite as much fun again. Drew on the other hand didn't seem to really put it all together that moving to a new campground meant that it would be a new place, with a new layout, different people, and different stuff.

So we headed out to my parents trailer this weekend for our first trip of the season. I really didn't know what to expect from the kids at the new site. Should I assume that it would be a weekend full of emergency room trips again? Was Camryn going to cry when she remembered that we left the old place and how sad that was for her? Would Drew end up back in the trailer for the whole weekend?

Well I will start by saying it was a challenging few days for all. Part of the trouble was that being the first weekend you always have so much set up stuff to do. Then Camryn had soccer on both Saturday and then again today. She wants to be a goalie and so Saturday was technical training. Today she had a game. Did I mention she has a game tomorrow night too? Ugh. When I was little I think we played once or twice a week and nobody had tech training. Now minor sports is half industry and half an elite club full of parents who would pull their own finger nails out just to have their kid be on the "right" team. There are trainers out there whose entire profession is running these high caliber technical training sessions for children starting at age 6 or 7 in hopes that one day they will play on the National team or get scholarships. The kids are doing something related to soccer up to 6 times a week. I kid you not. When I was 7 I think my parents were just happy to find a girls team that wasn't too far a drive from our house. I even remember years when there weren't enough girls in my age group to even have a round robin. We ended up joining other age groups. Now each club has about 10 girls teams in an age group and there are about 10 clubs in Calgary. So this is serious business and regardless of our camping plans we drove Camryn back into the city for training. Luckily our new campground isn't very far away. Before you get the wrong impression I am not one of those parents who would do anything to get my kid on the so called right team. I want her to learn the value of hard work, being part of a team, getting active, and most importantly to have fun doing it. Her division usually only has 2 or 3 things a week and that's fine with me. I think it's still good to be a kid and have free time too.

Back at the campground I could tell both kids had some difficulty with the changes. Drew spent most of the time in the trailer again but he did spend a bit of time playing with the kids next door to us. CamrynCamryn squished into a little corner with headphones on to block the sounds of the other humans around her.

We also discovered some new creatures in this campground. In our old one we had lots of gophers and the odd bat flying overhead when the bugs came out at night. We heard people talking about foxes from time to time and you could hear coyotes at night but otherwise it was mostly the dogs from the campground that made up our "nature" there. This new place definitely seems more wild. There is a family of deer that we saw 3 times in 48 hours. When one sauntered across the road today as we drove back into the area I thought that would make Camryn's whole weekend. She was pretty excited but then as we continued to drive to our spot further into the campground we saw a red winged black bird up close. From the back seat I hear Camryn exclaim "Well slap me twice and call me a hippy!!". Both her Grandpa and I broke out laughing. Let me start by saying that nobody in our family has ever said this phrase to my knowledge and it sounds similar to a line that was used in one of Camryn's favourite cartoons. The actual line is "Well slap me twice and call me Sally". I can only assume that this is where it originated from. I'd bet a hundred bucks that Camryn has no idea what a hippy is but it was still pretty cute.

So overall it was a very busy and wacky weekend. The grown-ups had to shoo the kids outside more than a few times. There is a TV and DVD player but we tend to reserve it for days when it's really rotten weather. The kids spent more than a few hours watching videos this weekend while we attempted to make a bit of progress on getting stuff ready and set up. When they weren't glued to the screen and had been encouraged to go outside the kids were often climbing back in the trailer after just a short period of time. Camryn was able to amuse the adults as well as herself with her new found favourite camping activity as seen below.

I am happy to report that the woods are now a little bit cleaner. Camryn spent at least 3 hours this weekend sweeping the dirt clean from leaves and rocks. When I say dirt I mean full out dirt. Apparently it was too messy. Now we have the cleanest dirt in the entire place. At least it's not a video game. Wild and wacky. Bring on summer!!

Shall you never show you face again

I had already written a post for today in honor of Mother's day. However when I woke up this morning Camryn had a surprise for me for this special day. She explained that she had made it at school and it was even wrapped in purple tissue paper. Inside was a piece of art and a special letter she had written herself.

Here is what it said:

Mom,

I really like it when we go swimming together, watch movies together, watch tv together and read together.

Mom, if I had a wish for you I'd wish that you could live forever!

When I'm scared you always tell me "it's all right"

I like to make you happy by farting or telling a joke.

I love you and you love me!

Love: Camryn

So I have to wonder what the teacher thinks of our family now. Farting? Really honey? And just a few days before the psychologist comes in to assess Camryn. Fantastic. While other moms are getting breakfast in bed we'll be laughing our guts out at Camryn's farts. I hope all the Moms out there have a happy Mother's Day......even if your kids don't love you enough to fart and tell the teacher all about it.

Pushing my baby out of the nest....

This week marked a pretty big milestone for our family. Tuesday Andrew went on an overnight class trip. This was big for him because he's never been to any kind of a sleepover....ever. Sure he goes to his dad's every second weekend and sleeps at grandma and grandpa's house once a week but it's different being away from your family in an unfamiliar place especially for someone with Autism. It was a big step for me as well to be able to let him go. Drew is the kind of kid who could get lost 10 feet away from me. Imagine my horror at the thought of sending him into the woods without me. Worse yet during the presentation at his school before the trip the teachers talked about the bears in the area. Awesome....are you trying to convince me to bail? 

You may assume that I'm just overprotective of him and you might be a little bit right. However there is good reason for being protective of Drew. Despite testing as having a very high IQ he struggles with some basic skills like learning his phone number and address. Recently I had him tested by a speech pathologist as part of our application for Specialized Services (an intervention program). When the speech pathologist asked him his full name he had to really think about it. When she asked him what grade he was in he said "Grade 6" and then turned to me and said "Right Mom?" just to make sure. When he's stressed or upset he has an even harder time remembering basic facts. He just doesn't retain enough of his information to reliably help himself in an emergency. Sure you say but he doesn't need to know his middle names or his phone number when a bear is chasing him through the woods right? While that is probably true the fact still remains that he doesn't always know the stuff he needs to know. So you can understand why I live in mortal fear of him getting lost even at the store.

Both his teacher and his aide are on the trip so he does have familiar people with him. They are amazing ladies and I have no doubt that they care about Drew and will look out for him. In the end I let him go because I know that it's important for him to have this experience. To my surprise he was actually excited to go. Drew doesn't always embrace change so this came as a bit of a shock for me. The morning he was set to leave was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. He woke up absolutely giddy with excitement but the first thing that didn't go quite right brought him to tears. Once he got past that he was giddy again. Then came the nerves as we drove to the school with his 400 pounds of luggage.....for a 3 night trip. In my defence I didn't even pack all the things they told us to send. For instance they had sweaters, light jackets, and sweatshirts on the list. I get the idea of layers but do all these things not serve the same general purpose? I packed as much as I thought he would need and then a bit more just in case. The suitcase probably weighted more than Drew does.

So off he went and I missed him from the second he was out of my sight. The first night was torture for me but despite having the teacher's personal cell phone number I resisted calling or texting her. I rewarded myself with about 14 cookies. That's it Colleen....stuff down the pain. The second day was pretty hard on me too. Then just after dinner I get a call from Drew who is crying on the other end of the line so hard I can't even understand what he's saying. He finally catches his breath and I hear "I'm homesick Mom". Talk about breaking my heart. We chatted for about 15 minutes while he hyperventilated and sobbed. I did everything I could to be reassuring and calming however he just got himself more worked up. Finally I got him settled down enough and told him that I would call in the morning and talk to his teacher. He was still very sad and I knew just how badly he wanted to come home. I briefly talked to his classroom aide and she said that he was having a good time all day. It wasn't until his best friend lost it just after dinner that Drew finally realized just how much he missed me. I felt better knowing that he had been doing well and was enjoying himself for the most part. I spoke to Drew again to tell him that I loved him and that we'd try to figure this all out in the morning. Honestly this was just a stall tactic to give me more time to figure out what to do. I really had no idea what I'd do if the next morning he was still begging to come home. I hung up and took some deep breaths.

By this this point it was now time for me to tuck Camryn into bed for the night. She went upstairs to get changed and climbed into bed for story time. When I walked into the room she looked so sad. I asked her what was wrong and she burst into tears. Then she says "Mommy, Andrew is home sick because he misses our family and now I'm Andrew sick because I miss him so much". I knew that I'd be eating more cookies pretty soon. Lots and lots of cookies.

Thankfully this morning the teacher texted me to say he was doing well and was happy. I didn't get anymore tearful phone calls tonight which is good but of course I still worry. He comes back tomorrow and I'm not sure which one of us is looking to it the most.....me, Camryn, or Drew. Bring on Friday!!

"My brain is like a channel"

Last night as I was tucking Camryn into bed she said "I don't know what to dream about tonight". I'll admit that I was just eager to have her go to sleep. It had been a bit of a tear filled evening and it was now late. I started by giving her a few suggestions such as "Why don't you dream about your birthday party?" or "Try thinking about your favourite animals". Nope. She wasn't buying it. She said "I need to know what channel in my brain to turn on". This comment greatly sparked my interest as someone living and working in the field of Autism. I've read Temple Grandin's book Thinking in Pictures in which she describes being able to hear a word like "dog" and be able to access thousands of pictures of dogs inside her brain. Every new dog that she sees becomes a picture stored in her brain of what "dog" means and she can go back and access all the pictures or just one specific dog at anytime. Then if 10 years down the road she needs to access that image she can pull it up in her brain and tell you with remarkable detail about that exact dog for instance. She also has the ability to kind of replay scenes in her head as if she were rewatching something that happened long ago and she can also run through various scenarios with mechanical systems to see which ones will have the desired outcomes. This has led to quite the career working with livestock and developing better chute systems for slaughter houses. Not the most glamorous of jobs but for her this ability to see pictures and video inside her head has been tremendously helpful. So when Camryn said her brain is like a channel that she can switch I was intrigued.

I have long suspected that Camryn may have this ability too. For starters she loves to quote dialogue from commercials or shows she has seen. Of course she does not have an Autism diagnosis to date however I have met many children who are on the spectrum who also repeat dialogue. For those new to the wonderful world of Autism this is called echolalia. Not all kids on the spectrum have this feature but many do it to some degree. Sometimes it leads to cute moments where they may say something in the exact tone they heard it and end up sounding like a cartoon character. Other times the kids may repeat the same catch phrases over and over again.....which after you've heard it for the 4037th time starts getting old as you can imagine.

Luckily for my mental health, Camryn tends to repeat bits of dialogue from TV that were funny. So it might be the punch line that made us all laugh in the latest kids movie or the silly expression of a character that brings back the memory of that moment in the show. When she was about 3 she would sometimes do things like repeat the entire infomercial for Shamwow as we walked down the cleaning aisle of our local grocery store. You should have seen the looks on people's faces. I might as well have poured beer into her sippy cup because they all thought I was Mother of the Year for letting my toddler watch all the educational programs on TV.

There have also been times when I was blown away with the details that Camryn can remember about something. She can often tell you specific details about a character in a show that most people would ignore such as the setting of the stones in a necklace that was worn by one of the dogs in the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Most kids might remember that the dog had a fancy necklace but Camryn can tell you what it looked like down to the smallest details. This has led to some frustration for her when she's trying to get other people to help her with something. If she asked me to draw the dog with the necklace on I'd probably do it all wrong because what she sees in her mind is not what I would have remembered.

This skill does come in handy. I've learned that whenever anything gets lost at our house the go-to person is Camryn. If she's come across it in the last 2 days she can tell you exactly where it is. It could be a specific pen or piece of paper with something written on it. She's even found a lost book piled in a stack of 30 others for us just because she knew exactly where it was. She even knew which book was sitting on top of it in the pile. Sometimes it feels like we are playing a huge game of Where's Waldo and she's the only one who can find him. How Cam stores this much information I'll never know. Her memory isn't perfect but it has certainly bettered the odds that we'll find the item we are looking for quickly. Now if only I had the remote control for my own brain......

"Nice genes dude"

Let me start by saying that I am not at my bestest blog writing place today. I got a sum total of about 4 hours of sleep last night and have been stupid all day long. I can't tell you how many times my physiotherapist had to say "Um....your other left Colleen". Yah, being able to figure the difference between left and right apparently is a higher brain function. Then of course I let my dog outside this evening and not only did I forget about him for about half an hour but the only reason I clued in was because the back door was open and our two completely indoor cats were exploring the yard. Apparently closing the door is also a higher brain function. Watch out Mensa. Here I come.

So it might have been a better idea to take a nap rather than try to put something out onto the world wide web for everyone to ridicule for years to come but I really couldn't wait to give you the much anticipated first update on the genetic testing for Andrew. As some of you who have been following along will know my son Drew is undergoing testing for a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy called Becker (or BMD). Blood was drawn in February and we've been waiting ever since. Apparently splicing genes is hard or something. Sheesh. Although Drew is blissfully unaware of the concern at this point I will say that this has been hard on all of the adults in his life. His family, the school staff, and other friends have been anxiously waiting to get word. I would even hazard a guess that it's been hard on the poor lady who answers the phone at his neurologist's office. She probably recognizes my phone number on her call display by now. So when I called again a few days ago she excitedly said the results are back but the doctor hadn't even fully reviewed them yet. Then she asked me if I wanted her to read me the summary of the report. "Hell yah" is what popped into my head. I probably was a little bit more diplomatic and said something nice like "Yes please" but really I couldn't tell you what awesome choice of words I actually used since my brain is on vacation these days. She gave me the usual disclaimer "I am not a physician so I can in no way interpret these results for you....blah blah, blah".

Thankfully I have some experience reading medical genetics reports because of my job and so I probably had at least as good a chance at understanding some of the scientific lingo as any non-doctor could. Now I will point out that I've probably only read 6 or 7 of these in my day and they are always on my desk in front of me with my online medical dictionary and Google at the ready. I am not an expert in this field at all and I've never had to actually try to make sense of this kind of information over the phone. From what I could understand the lab did not find any duplications or deletions on Andrew's Dystrophin gene. Generally speaking that is extremely good news since the condition can be caused by at least 100 different "mistakes" on this particular gene. Depending on which error is made will determine the severity of the condition for the affected child. Not finding any defects is a great start. She went on to say something about the serum levels not being at critical levels. From my very limited knowledge of Becker Muscular Dystrophy the boys that have this diagnosis will have elevated levels of a particular serum in their blood. I can only assume that not being at critical levels is also a very good thing. I mean even the word "critical" doesn't sound very good in this context does it? Because I was anxious and had nothing but time.....like months of it.....I've gone and done what I always advise the parents I work with to try to avoid and that's to read a lot of medical articles on the internet that may or may not have updated or accurate information on them. Believe me when I say that this kept me sane over the last however many weeks. The problem is you just don't always know how much weight to place on what you've read.

I do recall reading somewhere that some boys with Becker's do not have an identified genetic marker and that just having elevated levels of this serum can cause problems in the muscle function. Not being at critical levels is good but that doesn't mean they aren't still elevated in some way. So what this means is that we are not out of the woods just yet. More like we've found a little clearing amongst the trees. I may still go to the appointment with the neurologist in June and have her tell me that he meets criteria for a diagnosis despite seemingly making it through genetic testing alright. Of course I hope that isn't the case but in thinking back to the initial appointment she did come to this as a conclusion rather quickly once she examined him and heard my concerns. It was like she was checking off boxes in her head. Of course I don't have a window into her thoughts that day but I will say she didn't check him for any other conditions. Just this one.

It's hard to describe the emotions I am feeling right now. A part of me wants to celebrate that we are one step closer....or at least that's how it feels.....to never having to worry about Muscular Dystrophy again. Then there is a cautious part of me that doesn't want to get my hopes up only to be crushed. The Muscular Dystrophy Association of Canada was one of the sources of info that stated only some boys with BMD will have a known genetic marker identified. Before I started into this process I innocently assumed that genetics was completely clear cut. In theory shouldn't they be able to tell you with certainty that you either have this condition or if you are really lucky you don't? Becker's Muscular Dystrophy is considered to be 100% due to genetics so I just assumed that we'd have a clear answer at the end of all of this. Maybe in 10 years science will be at the point that they can detect it in all patients but for now even the lack of critical serum levels or a failure to find wacky gene defects doesn't mean we have much more information than we did before. If anything the picture may have become less clear now.

And what if we find out that Drew does not fit into the BMD picture but they never really figure out what is going on with him? I imagine that sometimes not knowing would be worse than having an answer you don't really like. For now I have a bit of information to hold me over until we meet with our wonderful doctor in about 6 weeks. There is a potential end to this emotional marathon in sight.....but it may also be the first steps in a very long journey too. "One foot in front of the other Colleen".......

Puddle Jumpers

This weekend the kids and I headed on over to a popular natural area near our house. Specifically we went to the giant playground nestled into this space. It includes a water park but as we are just starting to emerge from a long cold winter the water park is far from ready to open. In fact most of the area was still covered in puddles from the freshly melted snow. Let's just say rubber boots were a better choice than bathing suits on this day. Still it was one of those days when we could shed our winter layers and just enjoy the sound of returning birds and the breeze through our hair.

When we pulled up there were plenty of other families already at the park but we managed to steal one of the 6 picnic benches in the area around the playground. I'm just saying that whoever designed a play space in a natural area with only 6 tables is an idiot. During the summer months you can't even find a place on the grass to spread open your blanket let alone a table because it's so busy. The hope of getting to sit anywhere but the burning hot pavement is squashed by the squad of "summer mothers". These women feel they are more entitled to a bench for their designer clothing clad children who won't sit down anyway and they'll claw your eyes out before they'd let you get the free table....even if you were there first. If you don't immediately recognize these women upon arriving at the park you just need to look for them hovering like vultures and sneering at anyone who dares join them in the hovering technique. It's usually not worth the fight. So you can imagine that I was surprised to find a table that I didn't need to risk my life to claim. I guess our favourite mommy friends are still in their pods waiting to hatch. I plopped down at the table and the kids took off towards the nearby equipment.

I cracked open my book and started to read. About 5 minutes in I looked up just to keep track of the kids. After searching through the crowd of about 40 or 50 other kids running and screaming as if they had been locked in cages all winter I noticed Andrew and Camryn just outside the fray. They were tromping happily through huge puddles and snow drifts left behind from Winter's clash with Spring so I went back to reading.


As the minutes turned into half an hour and then into an hour Drew and Cam continued to explore the puddles outside the main play space. Some of the time they were together in a kind of silent understanding of each others role in whatever game they were playing. Other times they were off completely alone starring at the water as it rippled in the breeze or when the tip of a twig pierced the surface. I sat there and observed them totally engaged in this activity. As I watched I realized that they were totally in their own worlds oblivious to the wild screams of the other children running around madly just 20 feet away. What they were doing was far more enticing to them than anything this playground equipment could offer. In fact I would even say that if every single child had picked up and gone home at that moment they would have continued their activities completely unaware the world outside their own little spaces.

A part of me revelled in watching them find so much entertainment in the simple act of starring at puddles. I'd be lying though if I didn't tell you that it also made me kind of sad. Here we were at this amazing playground and they could absolutely care less. The swings, slide, and dozens of other children were merely a backdrop to them. I've known for some time now that social interaction is difficult for them. Clearly with Andrew being diagnosed as having Autism and being pretty sure that we are heading that way with Camryn I don't know why this hit me harder than normal on that particular day. It was just a realization that we could indeed be completely alone in a crowd. All these other parents so blissfully unaware at what a miracle it is that their children love to be at the park and that they want to be with the other kids. I felt a bit angry at those other parents who don't have a clue how amazingly easy their kids have it. To just know what to do when you get to a busy park full of new friends. I sat and watched dozens of moms and dads follow their little ones around the playground helping them navigate the social world. Two little 4 year olds playing together as if there was no reason not to despite never having met each other before. Their parents standing watching as if this is so totally ordinary that they would never consider that it could ever be any different. Do they even appreciate what they are seeing? What their preschoolers do so automatically is very difficult for my 11 and 9 year olds.

It's not that Andrew and Camryn aren't amazing in their own right. Of course they are. And it wasn't that they were unhappy being completely removed from the social world of the playground because they weren't. In fact if they had been forced to be in the group we probably would have ended our two hour trip much sooner and inevitably someone would have been in tears at being totally overwhelmed. I do love and appreciate my kids for all their quirkiness. I wouldn't change them one bit. I was just a little bit sad at how lonely I felt at that moment.

Eventually Drew and Camryn walked over and asked to go home. I was happy to be free from this reminder at how very different our path is. It's not that it's a bad one, it's just different. To judge it compared to the so called typical path only makes it seem less than perfect when in fact it has it's own beautiful moments hidden in the journey. The trick now is to regroup and open myself up to all that it can become because in the end that is all it will ever need to be. There is beauty and wonder in being able to stare at a puddle for 2 hours and be completely content doing that. All you need is some rubber boots and a good attitude.

Autism: An old boys club?

I have always had an interest in child development. In fact I studied it at school. Okay well I studied psychology and in order to get my degree I had to learn about people in all age groups, every gender....and yes there are more than two.....wrap your head around that.....people from different cultures, and all kinds of mental health and medical conditions. In general I find the field fascinating to begin with. I love knowing what makes people who they are. I have an especially strong interest in children. I took every course on this subject that the University offered in my field and even a few that were in other fields.

So it might be fair to say that I've read quite a bit about child development in general and now that I am a parent and professional working with kids on the Autism spectrum I have also read a lot on this topic as well. For those of you that are new to this field or generally don't have a lot of background in Autism I will say that far more boys get diagnosed with Autism than girls. Current statistics usually state that it's a 4:1 ratio although I've also seen 5:1 and 6:1 listed in the literature. That's a pretty big difference when you think about it. There are a few schools of thought on the reasons for this. Some believe that boys just have it more often pure and simple. Others argue that the girls are out there but they're getting missed. The new thought is that they often present differently than boys and while it may be clear that there is something going on with their development that many are not properly diagnosed. Basically only girls that present closely enough with the "boy" criteria are getting picked up. This is interesting just by itself because Autism is a spectrum disorder. Everyone already accepts that there is a range of presentations yet when it comes to taking gender into account people have had their heads in the sand.

I certainly can see both sides. My clinic has far more boys referred for Autism assessments so I could argue that of course boys have it more often. However it is very possible that the girls never make it to us in the first place. Maybe they are getting screened out earlier in the process and never get considered for a diagnosis like their male counterparts. Unlike most parents of a child on the spectrum I also have the added experience of seeing literally hundreds of kids over the years as part of my professional practice. Interestingly I was in this field before I ever had Andrew and Camryn. Thankfully when I heard the word Autism I already had my feet on the ground in this ring. It still hit me like a ton of bricks but at least when I stood back up I kind of knew where I was and which direction to head. Part of my professional practice now is helping other parents find their way through those first few weeks. I will say that this is a highly rewarding career and is even more so now that I've made tracks on this path myself.

So sometime ago I started noticing that almost every book I read about Autism was about boys. Intellectually this makes sense. If the majority of your diagnosed subjects are male then why wouldn't you write about them. However there is that nagging little problem of this theory that the girls are actually out there in greater numbers than first thought. These girls are not yet diagnosed and in many places this can mean a delay in treatment too. Parents and professionals reading these books that only talk about how most boys present and say nothing about the differences you might see in girls may get the wrong impression that these little girls aren't on the spectrum after all. I mean stop for a second and think of the implications of this. How many little girls don't get any treatment at all? They may spend their whole lives not understanding why they struggle with friendships and in other social settings. They may have a hard time in relationships, in the workplace, and what about self esteem? Their parents may wonder what is going on and how can they even begin to help their daughters if they don't know what is wrong. The girls deserve just as much chance to reach their potential as the boys.

One of the things I've learned recently is that girls on the spectrum sometimes appear more socially motivated than their male counterparts. If you just stop and think about it doesn't this make sense? I mean just in terms of your average sample of girls versus boys does this not usually occur? I don't think this is an Autism thing....I think it's just a girl/boy thing. It's kind of like one of those light bulb moments that years from now will seem so clearly obvious we won't believe that people ever were so ignorant to think it was ever any different. Of course many of these girls want to be in the social group. Duh? The difference that comes with the Autism is how hard it can be for them to reach that goal. I look at Camryn who desperately wants to be part of the group of little girls in her class. I will point out that she has not been diagnosed yet although I am pretty sure we are going down that road. We start assessments next month and so pretty soon I'll be able to stop putting these disclaimers in my blog postings. She'll either have it or she won't. It doesn't change the fact though that Camryn desperately wants friends. She wants someone to play with and tell secrets to. Up until now she's had a fairly stable group of girls that she hangs out with. However she is in that dreaded grade 3 year where the social world changes. I have noticed this with both my kids. About halfway through the grade 3 year friendships move from being general to being more specific. Children are starting to chose best friends. Sure some of them have been best friends for a year or two but those friendships are often looser and more open to triads or even bigger groups. As we finish up the month of April I am seeing that the other kids are starting to pull away from Camryn a little. It's not that the girls are being mean. They really aren't. But Camryn still wants to play animals and they are into other things. I know they would let her come along and join in but she is also choosing to be left behind because she can't let her interest in animals and monsters go. So she often ends up alone. As her parent I see this happening but there isn't much I can do about it. It's not fair to ask the other girls to play animals just because Camryn wants to. The truth of the matter is that these girls have been wonderfully accepting of Cam's animal play for 2 years now. When they played house in grade 1 they let her be the family dog. In grade 2 when they were playing Bratz and fairies they let her be a variety of animal friends. Really they have been more than tolerant of her interest area. But in the world of Justin Bieber and Kesha there just aren't any animal roles to fill. Reality is sneaking up to Camryn and it's about to slap her silly. My heart aches for her.

Then there is her crying at school. Camryn cries several times a day about things that most kids wouldn't even notice or care about. The other little girls often rush over to her to try to comfort her and help but that is the last thing Camryn wants. There is an element of being completely overwhelmed by the sensory world and so when she cries at school she is just done and needs to be left alone. With all the little girls rushing over asking her what's wrong she only gets more chaotic. They are trying to be loving and sweet which warms my heart. I really can't blame them for caring so much. Her refusal to be comforted is actually pushing the other girls away. I mean how good does it feel to try to help someone who won't look at you, who won't talk to you, and who doesn't feel any better for having had you there? So slowly but surely Camryn is getting herself moved out of the social world she wants to be a part of. These are issues that the little boys aren't usually dealing with in grade 3. It's just different. Autism or not.

I know some kids don't fit neatly into this "girl/boy" package but I think as a general rule girls on the spectrum have been lost in the literature for years. Luckily this corner of the Autism world is just starting to be explored. I think this is a very good thing. Hopefully more girls will be identified and treated early so that they aren't left behind in a cloud of dust that is the grade 3 social world. Watch out boys....here they come!!