Cinderella, Cinderella

Recently I've really been thinking about just how much I do around the house. As a single parent there isn't any other grown-up to help lighten the load. I know many couples face the question of how to split the chores up but I don't have that privilege. I'm it!!

And for those of you who think I should just put my children to work....trust me I've already thought of that. However my oldest has Autism. I know most kids can help out much earlier than Drew. It's not as simple as just telling him to take out the garbage for me. Not so long ago he even asked me where we keep the plates. We've lived here for 7 and a half years and the plates are in the same place on the shelf that they have been since day one. Camryn has been assessed for Autism twice. The first time I didn't have confidence that the person who assessed her had enough experience to determine if she did or not. The second one sat on the fence about diagnosing her until an old preschool teacher said things like "oh sure she played pretend with dolls all the time".....which for the record she never did. That kid could care less about dolls. Anyway so as of now she doesn't have Autism but nobody can quite decide what she has. "Is it Autism and we missed it?", "Is it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?", "Is it Anxiety plus a hidden learning disability?". The list goes on and on. The fact is that she's not entirely typical either.

So for some time now I struggled with knowing which chores and at what age will they be able to start really helping. And by really helping I mean not the chores where I have to go back afterwards to redo it kind. Rather the ones where it will legitimately lighten my share of the work.

There are no manuals that I can consult. Other parents of typically developing children have a puke load of books....yes a puke load.....that they can go to for an opinion. There is no manual for Autism. The reason for this is because no two children with Autism are impacted exactly the same way. They may share common characteristics but one might be like Bill Gates and the next like Rain Man. So for parents like me who are raising a child on the Spectrum we are often guessing at just how much our child can do or help out with these kinds of things.

And it's not as easy as finding a chore you think they can do. Oh no, it's not as simple as that....it never is. To assign chores is actually a lot of work for me. There is a considerable period of time I spend teaching Drew the chore. For those of you who might be thinking oh sure I had to spend one or two sessions teaching my child a chore before they could do it try four, five, or six sessions some times. It's not that Andrew isn't bright because he is. He's scored at the 96th percentile for IQ. It's the common sense stuff he struggles with.

Don't get me wrong the kids do help out. They are expected to take their dishes to the kitchen counter, throw their dirty clothes in the hamper.....and our newest project is putting away the clean clothes. I do a ton of laundry and so we have lots of chance to practice this one. Camryn is quite speedy and even has time to reorganize her closet in the process (a favourite past time of hers). Whereas Drew takes forever to do it. The other day I had given them each a small load of clothes to put away. After 10 minutes I came upstairs and found Camryn playing but Drew still working away. He was getting frustrated because the hangers kept falling out of the closet. I couldn't quite understand how this was happening so I asked him to show me what he was doing. I stood there dumb-founded because he was not taking the hanger off the bar but instead was trying to hang the shirt up by placing it on the hanger (while it was still on the bar).

I guess our next lesson will be taking a hanger out from the closet and hanging up the shirt before placing it back in the closet. Is this more of a man thing or an Autism thing? Maybe it's "Mautism"?

It's a miracle

I get asked from time to time why I chose to medicate my son Drew for his AD/HD. Well first because it keeps me sane. I know that sounds selfish but I would be a far worse mother and be drunk in a house dress most of the day if my kids were not on meds for their attention issues. Secondly the research shows that a child with AD/HD is far more likely to have an accident, get in trouble with the law, take illegal drugs, and die (from unnatural causes) without medication to help them focus (and make safe choices). If you've ever seen my children unbridled you would understand. Ultimately I would like them to survive their childhoods.

In fact their second cousin on their dad's side was killed when a car he was working on rolled back and pinned him against another vehicle. He not only had failed to put the car in park but then when it started rolling he tried to hold it rather than getting out of the way. His family was completely against medication. Nobody will know for sure if his attention issues played a roll but I can't help but wonder if they did. It was a terrible loss of a promising young man who was only 17 year old. He had only seconds to decide what to do and he picked the wrong choice. And accidents seem to run in the family. Drew and Camryn's dad rode his bike out into the road and was hit by a car as a child. His brother ran into a car with his bike. His sister's have been in multiple car accidents. All five children in their family have had at least one major run in with the law as teenagers. All of them unmedicated. Frankly I want to avoid that kind of thing altogether for my two children.

Also very important to us is that on top of his attention problems Andrew is diagnosed with Autism, three learning disabilities, and Tourette Syndrome. He also has motor delays. With all of that going on life is hard enough for him. If I can take one of those things away and help make it a little easier why wouldn't I? Giving him one pill in the morning means that he then only has to deal with Autism, Tourette Syndrome, and his learning disabilities each day. I happen to think that is enough. If you think differently that's okay. I won't blast your choice so don't blast mine.

So with all of those obstacles poor Drew has never been able to learn his address or phone number. I started trying when he was about 5 when we moved in here. That was 7 years ago. I either suck at teaching kids their address or he just couldn't learn it. It's my blog so I can pass the buck. He he. We tried and tried but he just couldn't get more that the house number. This presents a major safety issue because if he gets lost he wouldn't be able to find his way home very easily.

So a few months ago I finally broke down and got him a Medic-Alert wrist band so that if he did ever become lost whoever found him would have a place to start and someone would be able to reach me. His Aide was working with him on learning his address before Christmas and he was sometimes getting parts of it but not very reliably. Then tonight Camryn started talking about if she ever had to call 9-1-1 and we talked about what to do and say. Out of the blue Drew adds that she should give them her address and then he says it out loud to both of us.....and it was right. I couldn't believe it. My kid who is 12 and a half has finally learned his address. I almost fell over. That might not seem like a big thing but in our world it's huge.

So now it's settled. We can never move. Ever!!

Shoot me now!!

I keep joking with my physiotherapist Lisa that maybe she just needs to put a pillow over my face and hold it there for a few minutes. Of course this is really just a joke because my spirits have been remarkably good despite my current ordeal. It all stems from my ongoing recovery from my car accident which has been less than smooth or easy. What seemed like a straight forward minor fender bender 13 months ago has led to quite the adventure through the medical system. That adventure is far from over and now I seem to have developed a new problem.

A few weeks ago I thought maybe I was allergic to my fake Christmas tree but as it turns out I am allergic to everything. Okay well maybe not really allergic to everything but something is making my body go insane right now.

Well at least part of my skin isn't red and inflamed. Hooray!!

My wonderful back fat picture. The kids took way worse ones of me but I wasn't posting those on the Internet. You should thank me for that. The white blotchy parts are my actually pasty skin color. Sexy I know.

These photos were taken today, a week after receiving a cortisone shot in my bum.....awesome right? It's supposed to be at full effect by now and last for 6 months. Um....I don't think it's working. If you've never had welts like this then you can't appreciate how horrible they are. If you have then you have my undying sympathy. And if you think Benadryl helps at all think again. I just want to run around the room screaming and slapping myself.

Oh and as a word of warning do not under any circumstances do a Google Image search for welts. Trust me on that one. You think mine are yuck?.....Ewww.

It's good to love your ginch!!

Tonight I made Drew cry about underwear. I didn't mean to. I had noticed that he had been kind of grumbling about the pair he had on all day. So tonight when he took them off I carefully....very carefully.....checked the size on the tag. No wonder. It was a size smaller than all his other stuff. In hindsight I might have kept my evil plan to myself. After all Drew got a little stressed the last time that I tried to throw out one of his socks that had a big hole in it so I should have known it was coming. Really I could have just waited until he went to bed but silly me I tossed the underwear out right in front of him. I mean what kind of monster does that?

Now I will say that kids with Autism can sometimes be very object focused and they can sometimes have unusual attachments to things. But why small underwear and old socks? It's not like Drew would notice any of his old clothes disappearing. He has a love of long sleeved shirts but anyone of them could vanish and he'd never know it.

In the end Drew and I agreed that for tonight I would hang on to his underwear.....not literally mind you....and that I would throw them out at another time and not tell him about it. Oh great now we have to pretend like Underwear-gate never even happened. I don't know if I can go on pretending to have a secret hoard of old underwear stashed somewhere. I mean that's even creepier than actually having a secret stash of old underwear somewhere. Am I right?

 A (not so) Scary Monster. I don't get anything from the sale of these but they are darn cute!!

Allergic to Christmas?....say it isn't so

Several years ago I had an allergic reaction to a (real) Christmas tree. Not the kind of reaction that lands you in the hospital mind you.....just had hives all over my arms from decorating the darn thing. So I got smart and bought a fake tree the next year and that's what we've used ever since. Besides the many benefits of owning a faux Christmas tree is the fact that I won't ever have to worry about having another reaction to tree decorating.


Screech......wait, hold the phone.

This was from putting the tree away today. Isn't plastic supposed to be hypoallergenic? As a kid I was allergic to chocolate, Jello, any kind of pop whose name ended with "cola". Not to mention I was lactose intolerant so that leaves out ice cream and pudding. I've already had my fair share of being allergic to fun. 

So as retribution I chopped that damn tree down and I'm going to leave it on the floor as an example to the other plastic objects in our house. You can't mess with this girl and get away with it!!

Now where the hell is my Benadryl?

Oh Air Miles.....

So I just got an email from Air Miles. For those of you not familiar with this company Air Miles is a way to earn points towards travel and other merchandise simply by shopping at participating stores. In the email they are announcing that after 20 years of being in business they are launching a brand new way to use your points. It's called Air Miles Cash. Hmmm....I like cash. They go on to say that you earn points as always. Okay...I'm with yah so far. Then you can redeem them directly at the retailer (presumably the ones where you can earn the points). The points will count as cash and you get that money off your bill instantly. Great!!

The email says that for every 95 points you redeem you get....wait for it ....$10 off. What??? Ten lousy bucks! It takes me at least a year to earn 95 Air Miles. Most of the places I shop give you one Mile for every $20 spent.....that equals $1900 I have to spend to get $10. Really? That's just over half a percent off? I get a mere 0.52% off for all that loyalty? Not to mention I have to spend more money in order to redeem this lovely prize. Awesome!

Um....Epic fail Air Miles. Epic fail.

Holidays

It has been a very hectic week and a half since I last wrote. And when I say hectic I mean lose your mind busy with bursts of insanity to upset the cart even more. I did manage to scratch off one blog post during that time but just didn't get around to editing it. Oops. Then it didn't seem appropriate to post it on Christmas eve since it has nothing to do with the holidays at all. If does have to do with me embarrassing myself again.....look forward to seeing it in the future. So needing to post something before you all thought I had given up my blog I pulled together this little gem.....it's all I got....

It has been about a year since I seriously started blogging. Really it was my post Tis the season that got me started. If you haven't read it then take a peak. Heck even if you have join the fun. You can see how I get revenge on a bunch of moms that really deserve it. Of course you may think I got the short end of the stick but that's entirely beside the point.

In the year since I started posting I've had almost 4200 page views, been read in 31 countries, and had many adventures. Thank you for sharing part (or all) of this journey with me. I look forward to the upcoming year with you.

While some of my readers may not celebrate Christmas I would still like to extend you seasons greetings. We do not have to share the same traditions or beliefs for me to wish you all peace and joyfulness this upcoming year and for many more to come. Happy holidays from our little family to you.

Dude, I'd like a divorce.....

Many, many years ago when I was still a kid our family sold our house and we moved. Stay with me....it gets better. I have to give you the background or you'd be lost. So we sold our home with a real estate agent. Years later when I was married.....yes, many years later my then husband and I used this same realtor. He was an okay guy albeit a little bit of a feathered hair, creepy mustache kind of guy but passable. We found a place. Great. He later helped us sell that place. There were a few hiccups but in the end all worked out. Super. Okay, so we've established that he used to be a decent real estate agent.

Later when it was time to buy again we called him up. Sure, no problem he says. Then he proceeds to show us a few questionable homes. One was out in a small town near the city. We arrived before he did and found the place locked up and deserted. So we walked around the outside and noticed melted siding on the back. Turns out this house had caught fire at some point and was being restored......but still was in the "needs to be restored" stage. Like what the hell? Why would you show a home that smelled like fire, had severe water damage, and melted siding? This should have been the point that I walked away from this guy but so typical of me to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I mean after all we had known him for years.

Then when it came time to purchase my current home about 7 years ago I put in a call. He seemed happy to help. He showed me a few places that were within my budget. None of them were amazing but at the time I was just coming out of a brutal divorce, had two small children, and a mediocre job. In other words my options weren't great to begin with. I found a place I was willing to bid on. I had seen it in the morning and a few hours later I tried to reach the agent. I say tried to but he didn't return my call until well into the evening. And guess what? By the time he did the place was sold. Okay.....a few days later almost the exact same scenario. Saw a place, a few hours go by and I wanted to bid, left him a message, and it sold before he ever got back to me.....hmmm, missed that one too.

Then by chance there was another condo a few doors down from the one I had just missed out on went on the market. My mom went to scout it out for me and while she was doing that a woman a few doors down from that saw her and mentioned she was about to place her unit on the market. We decided to skip the real estate agent and buy this yet unlisted property. "Bingo. We have a winner!!"

Now this would be a good time to mention that it was likely the crazy family that I now live next door to that prompted so many neighbors to list all at once. Yah, they are spectacularly bad neighbors. Lets just say that for awhile there I was calling 9-1-1 so often I started to recognize the emergency operators by voice. Do I get frequent flyer miles for that? Cause I really think I should.

Anyway, it's been more than 7 years since I moved into this place and I'm still getting phone calls and mail from this real estate agent who completely failed to help me the last time. I would never use him again because I think he sucks donkey butt however I'm just to big of a wuss to tell him to take a hike. It's not like I'm even in the market to sell my place but I really don't want to hear from him again. How does one divorce their real estate agent? Do I lie and say I'm seeing other people? Man, I'm such a big baby....

An upper cut for Christmas

Okay, so I just finished my last post about the awesome swelling from dental surgery last week. If you haven't read it you probably should. This posting will make more sense. The dentist's office told me that I might have a little bit of puffiness afterwords. They didn't tell me I'd look like Frankenstein. For a recap this was how I looked 3 days ago.....

  

And now this is how I look today.....

It's a beaut!! And of course I had to take Andrew to the doctors office today because he is now sick with strep throat. We arrived at the walk in clinic early so that we wouldn't have to wait too long. We were fourth in the line up outside. When they unlocked the doors an elderly man who had been ahead of us took one look at me and insisted that we were seen first. I tried to explain that as bad as I looked we were there for Andrew and not me. He would not let us wait. So even with that there were two other people ahead of us. Two exam rooms were being used. You can do the math. Now being third I assumed we would have a few minutes in the waiting room. The nurse took a look at my face and boom we jumped the cue again. Right into the exam room.

My mouth still hurts like heck and I can't eat or smile properly but damn if this isn't a blessing in disguise. Of course I have to deal with weird looks everywhere I go and I'm sure everyone assumes I was beaten up but I guess if there has to be a silver lining.....

Colleen and the Chipmunks?

A few days ago I had dental surgery. This was a continuation of the process I went through way back in April of this year. You can read about how my dentist also does leg waxing in my post Smile. Yes, I was shocked too. In that post I detail about cracking my tooth some time ago and having to have it removed. Sounds really funny right? Yes a barrel of laughs. So fast forward to now and I went for a dental implant to replace my missing tooth. 

I was in the same surgical suite with the same dentist. Things went a little better this time around and it was a textbook surgery according to the dentist. As I was laying on the table I was informed that he was also doing a bone graft and a sinus lift at the same time. Man, can't I opt for another kind of lift....say an eyebrow lift, tummy tuck, or whatever? Sigh. Oh and guess where they get the bone for the bone graft......cadavers. Yes kids that is dead people....and it's in my mouth. Yummy!! No kisses for me.

Okay, everyone together....  "Ewwww"!!

I'm sure I will learn to live with part of a dead body in my mouth but in the mean time my cheek has been somewhat unhappy. Here is the evolution of my face:

In the car outside the dentist's office. Face still frozen. I look like Jean Chretien.

Still unable to smile properly due to the freezing. The cheek is rebelling...

A little less happy than last time. No there is no acorn in my mouth.

What I looked like this morning. Yes I know I look tired. I dreamt of frantically searching for the acorns I hid in the fall and it kept me from having a good sleep okay?

I'm looking for an agent. I figure I can be in the next Chipmunk movie. I will also need a vocal coach. And a stylist. And a plane ticket to California. Oh, never mind......

4 out of 5 doctors agree

I was kicked out of a doctor's office today. I really was. I mean I wasn't literally kicked out but I was told in no uncertain terms to leave his office immediately and he even pursed his lips and harshly pointed to the door while giving me stink eye. Awesome right? I know you are saying to yourself "That chick Colleen.....it was only a matter of time". Yes, I know I'm notorious for being foul mouthed and nasty aren't I? I mean that whole volunteering at the Children's Hospital thing is just a rouse to throw people off. Working with, as well as raising children with special needs....that's just so that I can trick everyone. Ha ha. My evil plan is working.....okay, well not on this doctor but the rest of you seem to think I'm okay. So out of this doctor's office I went.

Now I will start out by saying that I saw 5 doctors....yes I said 5 doctors in a 20 hour window. I will explain why in a moment. But if you keep in mind that I did sleep and eat during these 20 hours and would also need time to drive between all these offices you'd probably be very impressed. I'll give you a moment to digest your admiration and awe.........okay, let's continue. Four of those doctors were actually for Camryn. You see she had a "flu-like illness".....which is really just the flu unconfirmed. We could just say she had the pukes and be done with it. I just made that term up. Maybe it will go viral. Did you catch my pun? Yah, it was dumb I know. See I'm just too lame to piss doctors off. I even tell bad jokes.

This is how we spent our Wednesday last week......

That white powder on her lips is from sucking Children's Gravol. Yummy!!

Drew trying to entertain his sister while she was sick.

These photos were taken once she on the mend.....or so we thought. She had had one really rough night and then seemed to be improving. Later she started complaining that her stomach hurt and then she started crying about it. Camryn is usually a pretty tough kid. She didn't cry when her ear drum ruptured way back when she was 3. In fact we didn't even know she had an ear infection because she didn't complain about it. So for her to cry about stomach pain made me wonder if something more was going on. I say that but really in the back of my mind I assumed we'd go to the doctor, get told that it was just normal after having the flu, and then be sent on our way.

So off we go to see the physician we will call Doctor #1. Doctor #1 thought she could be dealing with something far more serious.......appendicitis and wanted us to take her to our local Children's Hospital right away for more tests. So off we rush to the Emergency Room. The doctor even called to let them know we were on our way. That makes you freak out a little as a parent. Nothing says bad news like the doctor calling the ER to say you're coming in. Blah.

Cammie was in an ER bed within about an hour but it would be another 4 hours before a doctor even laid eyes on her. In their defence it was very busy. I heard several ambulances and even the helicopter come in but you'd think that we would be a priority over all the 4 and 5 year olds running and giggling up and down the halls. Yah, not really. We saw doctors #2 and then later #3 in the ER because they wanted to be sure she wasn't going to crash before they released us 5 and a half hours later. Here is Andrew saying goodbye to his sister before he went home with Grandpa. He was so worried.

So what about doctor's #4 and 5 you ask....hold your horses people. I'm getting there. Doctor #5 was our family doctor who did a follow up with us the next day. Camryn was improving from the night before so that was nice. But what about #4? Well......

Despite being at the hospital until quite late at night I had to get up bright and early and drag a sick little girl with me to see Doctor #4. This is the most interesting doctor......the one who didn't like me very much. This doctor is not part of our regular health care system. He is part of the wonderful world of insurance doctors. One year ago I was in a car accident. I was just sitting at a red light when I was hit from behind. I have had quite the medical adventure since. Apparently my insurance company is getting tired of paying for all the physio. I guess they think I'm trying to pretend I'm more injured than I am because who the heck wouldn't want to spend 90 minutes two or three times a week laying on a bed alone starring at the little holes in the ceiling or the same damn picture on the wall that is intended to be motivational but stopped being so about 8 months ago.

This is that poster. Sure it's nice enough.....but really I want to tear it off the wall and snap it in half by now.

Since I was loving physio too much my insurance agent suggested that I go see a paid physician who is hired by said insurance company to do an independent medical evaluation. Now does anyone else wonder just how independent this doctor can be when he's on the damn pay roll? Me too. Seems to me that they wouldn't keep him around if he found for the client too often. Hmm. A quick consult with my lawyer and it was off to see this fantastic independent medical evaluation physician bright and early with my very sick child. You see I had been warned that I couldn't miss this appointment or my insurance could drop me on the spot like a hot potato.

A not so hot potato

I know what you're thinking....you are sooo jealous of me and all the fun I get to have. It's okay, I forgive you. I'd be jealous of me too. Really.

The one thing my lawyer advised me was that I was not to sign a consent form for anything other than an actual medical evaluation. Okay, sounds straight forward. But then when the paper is slid across the desk it says all kinds of other things that I'm expected to consent to. In a nut shell it's things like: We want to be able to steal your first born child unless you can come up with the name of a small troll named Rumpelstiltskin all on your own, we want to be able to deny your coverage for the accident if you ever skinned your knee as a child claiming it was a preexisting condition, or (my personal favourite) we can decline your coverage if you refuse to sign away these things, etc. So to recap if I sign and they do the medical evaluation this not-so independent doctor who is kind of motivated to find nothing wrong with me so that he can keep making money off the insurance company will probably lead to me losing coverage. If I don't sign the papers then it's considered a refusal to participate in the evaluation and my coverage is denied. Great choices right? And remember kids....this is my own insurance company....not the insurance company for the guy who hit me. Sadly they've been way nicer to me.

So as advised by my lawyer I politely declined to sign the paperwork. I think my politeness was what sent the man over the top. He tried to pursued me to sign the forms then when I didn't he went into a mini tantrum about how I had wasted his time.....yah, like I wanted to be there myself. At least he was getting a pay cheque out of it. You could almost see the steam coming out of the doctor's ears. He made it clear that I was too leave the office immediately and that my insurance would be hearing from him....of that I had no doubt. He wants to get paid right?....duh!!


Anyway, poor Camryn was such a trooper on this little adventure. I felt bad about having to haul her out for this but I had to at least attend the appointment so that I could say I was willing to be examined. I mean I'd probably have guessed "Rumpelstiltskin" but just not worth the risk of having to hand Drew over to the trolls right?

So to sum up 4 out of 5 doctors agree that I don't completely suck. Woo hoo!! I'm a statistic.


All physicians giving Colleen a thumbs up were paid a generous bonus for their input...not really but fun to say they were. Physicians giving Colleen a thumbs down were mocked in a real life blog entry which is read all over the world (That part is real....see above). Suck on that Doctor!! I think somebody hasn't read my post Wild and Wacky Flooring Problems. Best not to cross someone with a blog. The pen really is mightier than the sword. En guarde!!

"Isn't she lovely"

Just how did I get this stunning? Let me tell you how we threw ourselves into the deep end of the pool. It all happened last weekend.

So what did our little family decide to do last Sunday?.....a day that just happened to have some of the worst weather our city has seen.....a day that racked up property damage and insurance claims by the millions? Oh, we decided to go for a lovely outing to our local historical village, Heritage Park. Brilliant!!

In fairness we didn't really know just how bad the weather was going to get. We knew there were wind warnings for later in the morning so we decided to head out early. There was a bit of a breeze when we arrived at 10:00am. No problem. We made our way around the park enjoying the sites.

Kid sized maze before the winds came.

The kids in front of an amazing miniature train display that went all the way to the back of the room.

The first hour was uneventful. I mean, we had fun but the winds were reasonable. Little did we know that by afternoon the winds would be so bad that the entire downtown core would be shut down because of windows blowing out of high rises, semi-trailer trucks blowing over on the highways, trees ripped out of the ground, and the rooftops of many buildings being peeled back like tin foil.

By the time we got to the reindeer the winds had really picked up. This clip is of us waiting our turn to pet the crazy sleigh pullers. You may recognize Drew in the green and Camryn in the pink. Guess how much fun we were having by this point.

Our 20 second reward for braving the elements.....we touched a real reindeer. Oh joy!!

By the time we got back to the car we had dodged falling tree branches, flying debris, gusts that knock us to and fro, and enough dirt up our noses to build our own old time sod house. Now that is how our family lives the history folks!!

Even vultures can have self doubt

This just might be the weirdest title for my blog yet. I will explain how I got to it. Let me start with a little bit of background. Camryn is tremendously in love with all things animal. She would rather watch a documentary about the life of sea turtles than to watch cartoons. She has a million stuffed animals. She loves animals so much that she wishes she could be one. We've had more than one tear-filled conversation about how badly she wants to be one someday. Most kids want to grow up and be a teacher, a doctor, or a fire fighter. Camryn wants to be a dragon. I kid you not.

So it's probably no surprise that our wall calendar each year consists of some animal theme. This year it was one from the Twisted Whisker's collection. For those of you not familiar with it just imagine drawings of cute kittens and puppies that are altered so that they all have bugged out eyes. Tada!! Pure genius. This year I decided to buy a calendar from the Planet Earth series. I believe they created a series of nature documentaries. I should know this as the parent of an animal fanatic but please forgive me. I've seen so many documentaries about animals in the last few years that they all start to blend together. I mean how many stunning images can one person file in their brain?

So I brought home the calendar which features beautiful photos of various animals. I figured Camryn would enjoy it. Let me state for the record that she did ask my permission to write on the calendar. At first she wanted to know when her soccer practices were so I told her. She marked them down. Then she wanted to know when Valentines day was. She marked that down too. Little did I know just how much liberty she would take with the "Sure honey, you can write on the new calendar" phrase that spilled out of my mouth. Let's just say I should have known better. Here is what I found earlier tonight....presented in a sort of photo essay. I have made the photos bigger so that you can see some of the fabulous details added by Camryn.

The front cover....so far so good.

Cute little critters added to the vast landscape. Who knew that seals lived in shallow tropical waters just feet away from elephants and house cats?

This big guy is thinking "It's your birthday". The little one can clearly read minds and responds back with "Ya duu" which I assume is "Yah duh". So nice to have a snarky primate isn't it? Oh wait....I'm being a snarky primate right now. Never mind.

A creature with no mouth or brain says "Blub, blub, blub, blub" and thinks "Hey wait up for me". Pretty spectacular jelly fish don't you agree? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he has a lucky horse shoe, his own pet tadpole, and eyebrows.

Simultauously all three lions say the exact same thing at the exact same time. I think someone needs to scream out "Jinx".

This caption says "Sing, I wish I had a g.f." I'm not sure about you but when I'm lonely all I want to do is sing too. Maybe if this poor lonely bear didn't have a teeny, tiny mutant footprint on his nose or snout rot he would have better luck with the ladies on bear-Harmony.

A whole lot of telepathy going on. I guess the creatures who actually have mouths just chose not to use them. It's only those blabbermouthed jelly fish that won't shut up.

For those of you unfamiliar with reading calendar art let me translate. This says "I know how I look, yet I just got a makeover today". And I say in response "Girlfriend you should get your money back!! What they did to you is not right".

Gee, look at who's to good to pee in the ocean. Snob.

Well at least you remembered your manners you crazy little bear.

The bird on the top who I will call Marvin for the purposes of this story says "I can do it". His friend who is apparently named Jelf says "That's the spirit". But deep down Marvin has some self doubt....but at least it's not Jelf doubt....oh I crack me up.