Tis the season

So last weekend I took the kids to the mall to see Santa. It was a bit of a crazy day so I should have known that things would not run as smoothly as I had expected. I'm not sure why I haven't figured out this eternal truth but things rarely go as expected....hence this blog was born.

We arrived at the mall and walked up to the reasonable looking line to see Santa. Two young ladies dressed as elves approach me and politely informed me that getting in line now was fine but that we might be waiting only to be turned away before Santa gets to us. Ask me how impressed I was at that moment. A sudden flash back to the hour we spent madly running around the house. Finding clothes that the children hadn't suddenly outgrown in the week since I bought them, wiping who knows what from their faces, curling hair, wetting down cowlicks, one last trip to the washroom, where did their mitts go, "Seriously you lost them again?", and then out the door. With my flashback done I realize the two ladies are still waiting for me to respond. In my head I hear "Oh we will be seeing Santa today my little elfy friends. We will see him even if I have to tackle a security guard to do it." I smile pleasantly and join the line.

We shuffle along with all the other overheated cranky families that decide to partake in the joyfulness of this activity. All of us with big smiles for our kids because after all this is what childhood wonder is about. Seeing this magical person who brings you your hearts desire. At any other time of year we would warn our children to stay away from this guy but now like teenagers waiting for Justin Bieber autographs we stand there in anticipation of our 2 minutes and a box of stale cookies with creepy woodland creatures painted on it. Okay, I can't honestly say if Justin Bieber also gives out such cookies with his autographs but you know what I mean.

After an hour we are at the front of the line. The lady with the clipboard smiles at me and asks that I commit to the photos I want even before they are taken. What kind of backwards set-up is this? Would you agree to buying glasses before your eyes were checked? But this is the way it's done apparently so I commit to 3 sheets. I am told this will equal almost $60.....Twenty per sheet and 2 hours of my life that I'll never get back. But we get cookies. Super.

So the kids climb up on Santa's lap and we get our 1 minute and 32 seconds.....give or take a few for the kids to share all their dreams, take the shot, pick a pose, take previously mentioned creepy cookies, get all of our stuff, and "NEXT!!". "Oh, and don't let the door hit you on the way out". They print the pictures only for me to discover in my 6 seconds to approve the shot that I failed to notice Santa’s eyes are closed, he has what looks like blood in his beard, and the color is all wonky. Awesome.

We leave but return a week later to get free re-takes that were pre-arranged when I advised the mall of our situation. Seems like the thing to do right? Oh....so wrong. Sometimes you are just better off not testing fate my friends. Another hour of running around the house but at least this time we will get to walk right up to the front of the line. We get to the mall for Santa the sequel. Dirty looks from moms with preschoolers who have been waiting for an hour. A few of them assuming I'm an idiot for going to the wrong end of the line-up. I see them give that nasty little smirk we all know so well. The one that says "You're so dumb and the line is filling up fast but I'm not going to help you because I'm too busy gloating". I'd like to take a moment to welcome Karma into my little story. Buckle up smirky moms.

We are first to see Santa and he looks well rested and chipper. They call us up. Now this is the way every year should go. But wait. Andrew grabs my hand and says "I don't feel well". "Slow deep breaths Hun, you'll be okay". He sits on Santa’s lap and they get the first picture. He wasn't smiling at all so they do a second shot. As I glance at the computer screen to see how this image turned out he jumps up, runs about 8 steps from Santa, and covers his mouth. I swear I heard Chariots of Fire playing in the background as I dashed around the counter. Just as I arrive with bag in hand he pukes. I believe it to be a Christmas miracle that he neither lost it on Santa's lap and that I also got the bag there just in time. However it maybe not so fortunate that the only bags available happened to be clear plastic sheaths for placing the photos in.

Everyone waits and watches as Andrew continues to be sick because I haven't approved this photo yet. Glorious moments to remember. Because we complained the first time they are scared to bump us and move to the next kid and so they stand there watching. Everyone is waiting for us and I feel the piercing hatred from all the line-up moms. I hope their kids pick their noses for their photos....that's all I'm saying.

I should apologize to all children in line who will never think of seeing Santa in quite the same way again. And then all the people in the Bay who climbed off the escalator and had no choice but to have a front row seat for round two. Holiday memories are so special. It's about spending time with your family....even if that family is making you hold a clear plastic bag of their vomit with dozens of witnesses.

Everybody sing "Fa la la la la".