On being judged

My name is Colleen and I admit that I have a problem. An addiction of sorts.....to diet Pepsi. I'm not sneaking into dark alleys in seedy neighborhoods to buy my stuff. I can get it just about anywhere at any time of day and that's alright with me. Probably half the reason that I drink so much of it. There really is nothing better on a hot day. Okay, a few of you will argue beer and I won't take that away from you.....but think about how much you love cold beer.....that's how much I love an icy Pepsi. It's true. Okay, I know it's not that exciting. I didn't promise you fireworks. You'll be alright though. So imagine my surprise today when I was judged by a complete stranger because of my love of the second most popular cola drink on the market today.

I went to the bottle depot which I admit is not my favourite activity. Actually I've been putting it off for sometime so today I finally broke down and went. Of course I'm happy to get my deposit back and to help save the planet in a small way but the sticky floors and pungent odor are not so rewarding for do-gooders. Why is it that we accept that the bottle depot will be a train wreck when we freak out if there is a water spot on our glass at a restaurant?....it's proof they washed the damn glass yet we send it back and talk amongst ourselves about the crappy job they are doing. It would seem that bottle depots are one of the few exceptions to our standards. We don't expect clean floors and we don't expect customer service either. It's nice if the person sorting your stuff says hi but if they don't it's not like we'll storm out and vow to never return. Right? We all accept that the bottle depot is in it's own category.

So I take my number and push my cart with my 3 bags of empties up to the next open spot. Inside my bag are a few milk jugs and the odd diet Coke bottle when I couldn't get my first choice but 99 % of my contribution is diet Pepsi cans. So there I am struggling with the knot on the garbage bag as I get used to the smell of the place. Okay, that was a lie....can we ever really get used to it? I knew I wasn't the only one. Finally win the battle with the bag....smell...still there. I open the bag and pour it onto the table. The guy in the next spot looks over and says "Wow, somebody really likes diet Pepsi." Are we supposed to talk? I never know. The bottle depot is one of those places where the regular social rules are somehow altered just a little. What do I say back? "Wow, somebody really likes rum....a lot" or "Holy crap dude you must have had a huge party and I bet you got completely smashed". So I nervously smiled and said "Yes, someone does like Pepsi". Did I just say "someone does"? That someone is me!! I think, Colleen, own that and be proud....loud and proud. Woo!! But somehow I think I'll be viewed as the bottle depot freak for admitting that it was indeed me who drank all that pop. I suddenly feel ashamed. First because maybe I have a problem that is so noticeable that even the guy slurring his words next to me who I might add had to actually make a second trip out to his car to get the rest of his empties is so gob smacked that he breaks the cardinal rule of the bottle depot and comments on someone elses returns. Secondly because I somehow implied that maybe I'm just the poor fool who has to bring these empties back. Like I'm some sort of Pepsi enabler. That if I didn't support someone habit maybe they could live a better life free of their demons. I realized today that I'm more willing to let a stranger think I'm ruining another persons life rather than admit that it was indeed me who drank the Pepsi. Every single one of them. Yes, $66.95 worth of empties.....at 5cents a can I'll let you do the math if you wish....just don't tell me how many that is. I'm capable of figuring it out myself but I'm unwilling to face the gravity of my problem. I can quit you know. I just don't want to......."My precious."

The girls guide to avoiding an axe murderer

This blog entry could have just as easily been called "I should have known". I just got back from another interesting first date. I would like to say that I think I have more than my fair share of these. Apparently my perfect match is a man who should be in an orange jump suit with numbers on it....you can decide if it's from a jail or an locked hospital ward. Oh what fun we will have....

As always I am sharing my experience with you so that you will know the telltale signs of Mr. Crazypants early in the evening and can start planning your escape route and a back-up plan if he figures out what you are doing. Colleens special hint: A pen and paper to write a note to the waitress to call for help is always a good idea too.

The signs as I have seen them:

1. He calls to postpone your date by over 3 hours because he had something "really important that suddenly popped up"......this might be something like a World Cup soccer game for instance that has been scheduled for......oh I don't know......like the last 4 years. Those can really creep up on yah when you least expect it. Of course I didn't know that was the reason for delay until I had already arrived....apparently he failed to pick up on the exasperated look on my face as he was informing me of this......yah. Of course your date may have another emergency like having to buy groceries, balance a cheque book, or clean the fish tank....my example is just to give you a very general idea of what sorts of things fall into the category of true emergencies.

Where all great relationships start....apparently

2. He asks you to meet him at a Canadian Tire for your first date. When you insist on meeting him at the restaurant he may seem a little annoyed because he's not done his shopping. This is another great clue that he might not be the One. However you may have driven for an hour to meet him and be hungry. Trust me ladies....don't be fooled. It's not going to get any better once you get there.

3. He's never even heard of Lactose Intolerance and may look overly puzzled by the term. He's even more fascinated by the fact that the restaurant offers selections that are lactose free. "Why on earth would they do that?" he might say to the waitress. This is the Universe tapping you on the shoulder now. Pay attention....the 2x4 is coming if you miss it....followed by the Mac truck.

Danger, Danger

4. He may say that his only allergy is to the sun....because.....wait for it.....wait for it.....he sometimes gets a sun burn if he forgets sunscreen. Believe it!! You read that right my friends. Proud to say that I was able to refrain from suggesting he gets an Epi-pen for his severe allergy. I know....you thought it too didn't you?

5. When asked if he was a good student when he was a kid he replied "What consistutes a "good" student?" using his hands to do quotations in the air? It's small talk buddy......just answer the damn question.

6. He tells you he used to wear a mini-dress before every one of his hockey games because it was good luck. I know I should have left it alone.....but seriously how could I not ask? I just had to know how he discovered it was lucky. He went on to explain that he saw it.....and bought it.....yes....bought it for this purpose. It wasn't just laying around he actually shopped for it. Then after he wore it the first time his team won so he just knew that now he had "a good excuse to wear a mini-dress that nobody could argue with". I kid you not!! Keep in mind this is a first date and I hardly know him. The fun is just beginning.....read on. Beep beep. Mac truck approaching.

7. Moving onto other topics he mentions that he once had a guy break into his house and steal $11, 548 worth of stuff.......I almost asked...."$11, 548 and how much change?" Turns out it was probably good I didn't ask that because he went on to say that he "could have just murdered the guy who did it". While this sounds like a common statement try to imagine it said with a 3 second pause just before the word "murdered" and a sudden change to what could best be described as his crazy-eyed look. But wait.....don't run.....he'll chase you. You need to find a way to back away slowly and seem as unthreatening as possible. This is where the pen and paper comes in handy. Don't get caught writing the note though. It might make him mad enough to..........murder you.

My favourite little monkey and his visit to a hospital. Hopefully one very far away.

8. He works at a hospital even though he "just hates sick people". Again add the 3 second pause before "hates". He goes on to explain that he really likes helping people. Hmmmm.....by putting a pillow over their faces so they stop being sick? Oh, and by the way he knows how many people died at his hospital this month. Okay....running is now warranted. At least there is a chance you might get away.

9. He offers to pay the bill for dinner but says to you "if you want that waitress to get a tip you should probably leave some money for her". Classy!!

Amazingly it wasn't as scary at the time as it sounds....but I think I was in shock. I've dated enough crazy people to confidently say that this one is just reclusive crazy. Besides, if all else fails I can always run outside into the sunshine being that I'm only a little bit allergic to it.