On being judged

My name is Colleen and I admit that I have a problem. An addiction of sorts.....to diet Pepsi. I'm not sneaking into dark alleys in seedy neighborhoods to buy my stuff. I can get it just about anywhere at any time of day and that's alright with me. Probably half the reason that I drink so much of it. There really is nothing better on a hot day. Okay, a few of you will argue beer and I won't take that away from you.....but think about how much you love cold beer.....that's how much I love an icy Pepsi. It's true. Okay, I know it's not that exciting. I didn't promise you fireworks. You'll be alright though. So imagine my surprise today when I was judged by a complete stranger because of my love of the second most popular cola drink on the market today.

I went to the bottle depot which I admit is not my favourite activity. Actually I've been putting it off for sometime so today I finally broke down and went. Of course I'm happy to get my deposit back and to help save the planet in a small way but the sticky floors and pungent odor are not so rewarding for do-gooders. Why is it that we accept that the bottle depot will be a train wreck when we freak out if there is a water spot on our glass at a restaurant?....it's proof they washed the damn glass yet we send it back and talk amongst ourselves about the crappy job they are doing. It would seem that bottle depots are one of the few exceptions to our standards. We don't expect clean floors and we don't expect customer service either. It's nice if the person sorting your stuff says hi but if they don't it's not like we'll storm out and vow to never return. Right? We all accept that the bottle depot is in it's own category.

So I take my number and push my cart with my 3 bags of empties up to the next open spot. Inside my bag are a few milk jugs and the odd diet Coke bottle when I couldn't get my first choice but 99 % of my contribution is diet Pepsi cans. So there I am struggling with the knot on the garbage bag as I get used to the smell of the place. Okay, that was a lie....can we ever really get used to it? I knew I wasn't the only one. Finally win the battle with the bag....smell...still there. I open the bag and pour it onto the table. The guy in the next spot looks over and says "Wow, somebody really likes diet Pepsi." Are we supposed to talk? I never know. The bottle depot is one of those places where the regular social rules are somehow altered just a little. What do I say back? "Wow, somebody really likes rum....a lot" or "Holy crap dude you must have had a huge party and I bet you got completely smashed". So I nervously smiled and said "Yes, someone does like Pepsi". Did I just say "someone does"? That someone is me!! I think, Colleen, own that and be proud....loud and proud. Woo!! But somehow I think I'll be viewed as the bottle depot freak for admitting that it was indeed me who drank all that pop. I suddenly feel ashamed. First because maybe I have a problem that is so noticeable that even the guy slurring his words next to me who I might add had to actually make a second trip out to his car to get the rest of his empties is so gob smacked that he breaks the cardinal rule of the bottle depot and comments on someone elses returns. Secondly because I somehow implied that maybe I'm just the poor fool who has to bring these empties back. Like I'm some sort of Pepsi enabler. That if I didn't support someone habit maybe they could live a better life free of their demons. I realized today that I'm more willing to let a stranger think I'm ruining another persons life rather than admit that it was indeed me who drank the Pepsi. Every single one of them. Yes, $66.95 worth of empties.....at 5cents a can I'll let you do the math if you wish....just don't tell me how many that is. I'm capable of figuring it out myself but I'm unwilling to face the gravity of my problem. I can quit you know. I just don't want to......."My precious."