Oh Air Miles.....

So I just got an email from Air Miles. For those of you not familiar with this company Air Miles is a way to earn points towards travel and other merchandise simply by shopping at participating stores. In the email they are announcing that after 20 years of being in business they are launching a brand new way to use your points. It's called Air Miles Cash. Hmmm....I like cash. They go on to say that you earn points as always. Okay...I'm with yah so far. Then you can redeem them directly at the retailer (presumably the ones where you can earn the points). The points will count as cash and you get that money off your bill instantly. Great!!

The email says that for every 95 points you redeem you get....wait for it ....$10 off. What??? Ten lousy bucks! It takes me at least a year to earn 95 Air Miles. Most of the places I shop give you one Mile for every $20 spent.....that equals $1900 I have to spend to get $10. Really? That's just over half a percent off? I get a mere 0.52% off for all that loyalty? Not to mention I have to spend more money in order to redeem this lovely prize. Awesome!

Um....Epic fail Air Miles. Epic fail.

Holidays

It has been a very hectic week and a half since I last wrote. And when I say hectic I mean lose your mind busy with bursts of insanity to upset the cart even more. I did manage to scratch off one blog post during that time but just didn't get around to editing it. Oops. Then it didn't seem appropriate to post it on Christmas eve since it has nothing to do with the holidays at all. If does have to do with me embarrassing myself again.....look forward to seeing it in the future. So needing to post something before you all thought I had given up my blog I pulled together this little gem.....it's all I got....

It has been about a year since I seriously started blogging. Really it was my post Tis the season that got me started. If you haven't read it then take a peak. Heck even if you have join the fun. You can see how I get revenge on a bunch of moms that really deserve it. Of course you may think I got the short end of the stick but that's entirely beside the point.

In the year since I started posting I've had almost 4200 page views, been read in 31 countries, and had many adventures. Thank you for sharing part (or all) of this journey with me. I look forward to the upcoming year with you.

While some of my readers may not celebrate Christmas I would still like to extend you seasons greetings. We do not have to share the same traditions or beliefs for me to wish you all peace and joyfulness this upcoming year and for many more to come. Happy holidays from our little family to you.

Dude, I'd like a divorce.....

Many, many years ago when I was still a kid our family sold our house and we moved. Stay with me....it gets better. I have to give you the background or you'd be lost. So we sold our home with a real estate agent. Years later when I was married.....yes, many years later my then husband and I used this same realtor. He was an okay guy albeit a little bit of a feathered hair, creepy mustache kind of guy but passable. We found a place. Great. He later helped us sell that place. There were a few hiccups but in the end all worked out. Super. Okay, so we've established that he used to be a decent real estate agent.

Later when it was time to buy again we called him up. Sure, no problem he says. Then he proceeds to show us a few questionable homes. One was out in a small town near the city. We arrived before he did and found the place locked up and deserted. So we walked around the outside and noticed melted siding on the back. Turns out this house had caught fire at some point and was being restored......but still was in the "needs to be restored" stage. Like what the hell? Why would you show a home that smelled like fire, had severe water damage, and melted siding? This should have been the point that I walked away from this guy but so typical of me to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I mean after all we had known him for years.

Then when it came time to purchase my current home about 7 years ago I put in a call. He seemed happy to help. He showed me a few places that were within my budget. None of them were amazing but at the time I was just coming out of a brutal divorce, had two small children, and a mediocre job. In other words my options weren't great to begin with. I found a place I was willing to bid on. I had seen it in the morning and a few hours later I tried to reach the agent. I say tried to but he didn't return my call until well into the evening. And guess what? By the time he did the place was sold. Okay.....a few days later almost the exact same scenario. Saw a place, a few hours go by and I wanted to bid, left him a message, and it sold before he ever got back to me.....hmmm, missed that one too.

Then by chance there was another condo a few doors down from the one I had just missed out on went on the market. My mom went to scout it out for me and while she was doing that a woman a few doors down from that saw her and mentioned she was about to place her unit on the market. We decided to skip the real estate agent and buy this yet unlisted property. "Bingo. We have a winner!!"

Now this would be a good time to mention that it was likely the crazy family that I now live next door to that prompted so many neighbors to list all at once. Yah, they are spectacularly bad neighbors. Lets just say that for awhile there I was calling 9-1-1 so often I started to recognize the emergency operators by voice. Do I get frequent flyer miles for that? Cause I really think I should.

Anyway, it's been more than 7 years since I moved into this place and I'm still getting phone calls and mail from this real estate agent who completely failed to help me the last time. I would never use him again because I think he sucks donkey butt however I'm just to big of a wuss to tell him to take a hike. It's not like I'm even in the market to sell my place but I really don't want to hear from him again. How does one divorce their real estate agent? Do I lie and say I'm seeing other people? Man, I'm such a big baby....

An upper cut for Christmas

Okay, so I just finished my last post about the awesome swelling from dental surgery last week. If you haven't read it you probably should. This posting will make more sense. The dentist's office told me that I might have a little bit of puffiness afterwords. They didn't tell me I'd look like Frankenstein. For a recap this was how I looked 3 days ago.....

  

And now this is how I look today.....

It's a beaut!! And of course I had to take Andrew to the doctors office today because he is now sick with strep throat. We arrived at the walk in clinic early so that we wouldn't have to wait too long. We were fourth in the line up outside. When they unlocked the doors an elderly man who had been ahead of us took one look at me and insisted that we were seen first. I tried to explain that as bad as I looked we were there for Andrew and not me. He would not let us wait. So even with that there were two other people ahead of us. Two exam rooms were being used. You can do the math. Now being third I assumed we would have a few minutes in the waiting room. The nurse took a look at my face and boom we jumped the cue again. Right into the exam room.

My mouth still hurts like heck and I can't eat or smile properly but damn if this isn't a blessing in disguise. Of course I have to deal with weird looks everywhere I go and I'm sure everyone assumes I was beaten up but I guess if there has to be a silver lining.....

Colleen and the Chipmunks?

A few days ago I had dental surgery. This was a continuation of the process I went through way back in April of this year. You can read about how my dentist also does leg waxing in my post Smile. Yes, I was shocked too. In that post I detail about cracking my tooth some time ago and having to have it removed. Sounds really funny right? Yes a barrel of laughs. So fast forward to now and I went for a dental implant to replace my missing tooth. 

I was in the same surgical suite with the same dentist. Things went a little better this time around and it was a textbook surgery according to the dentist. As I was laying on the table I was informed that he was also doing a bone graft and a sinus lift at the same time. Man, can't I opt for another kind of lift....say an eyebrow lift, tummy tuck, or whatever? Sigh. Oh and guess where they get the bone for the bone graft......cadavers. Yes kids that is dead people....and it's in my mouth. Yummy!! No kisses for me.

Okay, everyone together....  "Ewwww"!!

I'm sure I will learn to live with part of a dead body in my mouth but in the mean time my cheek has been somewhat unhappy. Here is the evolution of my face:

In the car outside the dentist's office. Face still frozen. I look like Jean Chretien.

Still unable to smile properly due to the freezing. The cheek is rebelling...

A little less happy than last time. No there is no acorn in my mouth.

What I looked like this morning. Yes I know I look tired. I dreamt of frantically searching for the acorns I hid in the fall and it kept me from having a good sleep okay?

I'm looking for an agent. I figure I can be in the next Chipmunk movie. I will also need a vocal coach. And a stylist. And a plane ticket to California. Oh, never mind......

4 out of 5 doctors agree

I was kicked out of a doctor's office today. I really was. I mean I wasn't literally kicked out but I was told in no uncertain terms to leave his office immediately and he even pursed his lips and harshly pointed to the door while giving me stink eye. Awesome right? I know you are saying to yourself "That chick Colleen.....it was only a matter of time". Yes, I know I'm notorious for being foul mouthed and nasty aren't I? I mean that whole volunteering at the Children's Hospital thing is just a rouse to throw people off. Working with, as well as raising children with special needs....that's just so that I can trick everyone. Ha ha. My evil plan is working.....okay, well not on this doctor but the rest of you seem to think I'm okay. So out of this doctor's office I went.

Now I will start out by saying that I saw 5 doctors....yes I said 5 doctors in a 20 hour window. I will explain why in a moment. But if you keep in mind that I did sleep and eat during these 20 hours and would also need time to drive between all these offices you'd probably be very impressed. I'll give you a moment to digest your admiration and awe.........okay, let's continue. Four of those doctors were actually for Camryn. You see she had a "flu-like illness".....which is really just the flu unconfirmed. We could just say she had the pukes and be done with it. I just made that term up. Maybe it will go viral. Did you catch my pun? Yah, it was dumb I know. See I'm just too lame to piss doctors off. I even tell bad jokes.

This is how we spent our Wednesday last week......

That white powder on her lips is from sucking Children's Gravol. Yummy!!

Drew trying to entertain his sister while she was sick.

These photos were taken once she on the mend.....or so we thought. She had had one really rough night and then seemed to be improving. Later she started complaining that her stomach hurt and then she started crying about it. Camryn is usually a pretty tough kid. She didn't cry when her ear drum ruptured way back when she was 3. In fact we didn't even know she had an ear infection because she didn't complain about it. So for her to cry about stomach pain made me wonder if something more was going on. I say that but really in the back of my mind I assumed we'd go to the doctor, get told that it was just normal after having the flu, and then be sent on our way.

So off we go to see the physician we will call Doctor #1. Doctor #1 thought she could be dealing with something far more serious.......appendicitis and wanted us to take her to our local Children's Hospital right away for more tests. So off we rush to the Emergency Room. The doctor even called to let them know we were on our way. That makes you freak out a little as a parent. Nothing says bad news like the doctor calling the ER to say you're coming in. Blah.

Cammie was in an ER bed within about an hour but it would be another 4 hours before a doctor even laid eyes on her. In their defence it was very busy. I heard several ambulances and even the helicopter come in but you'd think that we would be a priority over all the 4 and 5 year olds running and giggling up and down the halls. Yah, not really. We saw doctors #2 and then later #3 in the ER because they wanted to be sure she wasn't going to crash before they released us 5 and a half hours later. Here is Andrew saying goodbye to his sister before he went home with Grandpa. He was so worried.

So what about doctor's #4 and 5 you ask....hold your horses people. I'm getting there. Doctor #5 was our family doctor who did a follow up with us the next day. Camryn was improving from the night before so that was nice. But what about #4? Well......

Despite being at the hospital until quite late at night I had to get up bright and early and drag a sick little girl with me to see Doctor #4. This is the most interesting doctor......the one who didn't like me very much. This doctor is not part of our regular health care system. He is part of the wonderful world of insurance doctors. One year ago I was in a car accident. I was just sitting at a red light when I was hit from behind. I have had quite the medical adventure since. Apparently my insurance company is getting tired of paying for all the physio. I guess they think I'm trying to pretend I'm more injured than I am because who the heck wouldn't want to spend 90 minutes two or three times a week laying on a bed alone starring at the little holes in the ceiling or the same damn picture on the wall that is intended to be motivational but stopped being so about 8 months ago.

This is that poster. Sure it's nice enough.....but really I want to tear it off the wall and snap it in half by now.

Since I was loving physio too much my insurance agent suggested that I go see a paid physician who is hired by said insurance company to do an independent medical evaluation. Now does anyone else wonder just how independent this doctor can be when he's on the damn pay roll? Me too. Seems to me that they wouldn't keep him around if he found for the client too often. Hmm. A quick consult with my lawyer and it was off to see this fantastic independent medical evaluation physician bright and early with my very sick child. You see I had been warned that I couldn't miss this appointment or my insurance could drop me on the spot like a hot potato.

A not so hot potato

I know what you're thinking....you are sooo jealous of me and all the fun I get to have. It's okay, I forgive you. I'd be jealous of me too. Really.

The one thing my lawyer advised me was that I was not to sign a consent form for anything other than an actual medical evaluation. Okay, sounds straight forward. But then when the paper is slid across the desk it says all kinds of other things that I'm expected to consent to. In a nut shell it's things like: We want to be able to steal your first born child unless you can come up with the name of a small troll named Rumpelstiltskin all on your own, we want to be able to deny your coverage for the accident if you ever skinned your knee as a child claiming it was a preexisting condition, or (my personal favourite) we can decline your coverage if you refuse to sign away these things, etc. So to recap if I sign and they do the medical evaluation this not-so independent doctor who is kind of motivated to find nothing wrong with me so that he can keep making money off the insurance company will probably lead to me losing coverage. If I don't sign the papers then it's considered a refusal to participate in the evaluation and my coverage is denied. Great choices right? And remember kids....this is my own insurance company....not the insurance company for the guy who hit me. Sadly they've been way nicer to me.

So as advised by my lawyer I politely declined to sign the paperwork. I think my politeness was what sent the man over the top. He tried to pursued me to sign the forms then when I didn't he went into a mini tantrum about how I had wasted his time.....yah, like I wanted to be there myself. At least he was getting a pay cheque out of it. You could almost see the steam coming out of the doctor's ears. He made it clear that I was too leave the office immediately and that my insurance would be hearing from him....of that I had no doubt. He wants to get paid right?....duh!!


Anyway, poor Camryn was such a trooper on this little adventure. I felt bad about having to haul her out for this but I had to at least attend the appointment so that I could say I was willing to be examined. I mean I'd probably have guessed "Rumpelstiltskin" but just not worth the risk of having to hand Drew over to the trolls right?

So to sum up 4 out of 5 doctors agree that I don't completely suck. Woo hoo!! I'm a statistic.


All physicians giving Colleen a thumbs up were paid a generous bonus for their input...not really but fun to say they were. Physicians giving Colleen a thumbs down were mocked in a real life blog entry which is read all over the world (That part is real....see above). Suck on that Doctor!! I think somebody hasn't read my post Wild and Wacky Flooring Problems. Best not to cross someone with a blog. The pen really is mightier than the sword. En guarde!!

"Isn't she lovely"

Just how did I get this stunning? Let me tell you how we threw ourselves into the deep end of the pool. It all happened last weekend.

So what did our little family decide to do last Sunday?.....a day that just happened to have some of the worst weather our city has seen.....a day that racked up property damage and insurance claims by the millions? Oh, we decided to go for a lovely outing to our local historical village, Heritage Park. Brilliant!!

In fairness we didn't really know just how bad the weather was going to get. We knew there were wind warnings for later in the morning so we decided to head out early. There was a bit of a breeze when we arrived at 10:00am. No problem. We made our way around the park enjoying the sites.

Kid sized maze before the winds came.

The kids in front of an amazing miniature train display that went all the way to the back of the room.

The first hour was uneventful. I mean, we had fun but the winds were reasonable. Little did we know that by afternoon the winds would be so bad that the entire downtown core would be shut down because of windows blowing out of high rises, semi-trailer trucks blowing over on the highways, trees ripped out of the ground, and the rooftops of many buildings being peeled back like tin foil.

By the time we got to the reindeer the winds had really picked up. This clip is of us waiting our turn to pet the crazy sleigh pullers. You may recognize Drew in the green and Camryn in the pink. Guess how much fun we were having by this point.

Our 20 second reward for braving the elements.....we touched a real reindeer. Oh joy!!

By the time we got back to the car we had dodged falling tree branches, flying debris, gusts that knock us to and fro, and enough dirt up our noses to build our own old time sod house. Now that is how our family lives the history folks!!

Even vultures can have self doubt

This just might be the weirdest title for my blog yet. I will explain how I got to it. Let me start with a little bit of background. Camryn is tremendously in love with all things animal. She would rather watch a documentary about the life of sea turtles than to watch cartoons. She has a million stuffed animals. She loves animals so much that she wishes she could be one. We've had more than one tear-filled conversation about how badly she wants to be one someday. Most kids want to grow up and be a teacher, a doctor, or a fire fighter. Camryn wants to be a dragon. I kid you not.

So it's probably no surprise that our wall calendar each year consists of some animal theme. This year it was one from the Twisted Whisker's collection. For those of you not familiar with it just imagine drawings of cute kittens and puppies that are altered so that they all have bugged out eyes. Tada!! Pure genius. This year I decided to buy a calendar from the Planet Earth series. I believe they created a series of nature documentaries. I should know this as the parent of an animal fanatic but please forgive me. I've seen so many documentaries about animals in the last few years that they all start to blend together. I mean how many stunning images can one person file in their brain?

So I brought home the calendar which features beautiful photos of various animals. I figured Camryn would enjoy it. Let me state for the record that she did ask my permission to write on the calendar. At first she wanted to know when her soccer practices were so I told her. She marked them down. Then she wanted to know when Valentines day was. She marked that down too. Little did I know just how much liberty she would take with the "Sure honey, you can write on the new calendar" phrase that spilled out of my mouth. Let's just say I should have known better. Here is what I found earlier tonight....presented in a sort of photo essay. I have made the photos bigger so that you can see some of the fabulous details added by Camryn.

The front cover....so far so good.

Cute little critters added to the vast landscape. Who knew that seals lived in shallow tropical waters just feet away from elephants and house cats?

This big guy is thinking "It's your birthday". The little one can clearly read minds and responds back with "Ya duu" which I assume is "Yah duh". So nice to have a snarky primate isn't it? Oh wait....I'm being a snarky primate right now. Never mind.

A creature with no mouth or brain says "Blub, blub, blub, blub" and thinks "Hey wait up for me". Pretty spectacular jelly fish don't you agree? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he has a lucky horse shoe, his own pet tadpole, and eyebrows.

Simultauously all three lions say the exact same thing at the exact same time. I think someone needs to scream out "Jinx".

This caption says "Sing, I wish I had a g.f." I'm not sure about you but when I'm lonely all I want to do is sing too. Maybe if this poor lonely bear didn't have a teeny, tiny mutant footprint on his nose or snout rot he would have better luck with the ladies on bear-Harmony.

A whole lot of telepathy going on. I guess the creatures who actually have mouths just chose not to use them. It's only those blabbermouthed jelly fish that won't shut up.

For those of you unfamiliar with reading calendar art let me translate. This says "I know how I look, yet I just got a makeover today". And I say in response "Girlfriend you should get your money back!! What they did to you is not right".

Gee, look at who's to good to pee in the ocean. Snob.

Well at least you remembered your manners you crazy little bear.

The bird on the top who I will call Marvin for the purposes of this story says "I can do it". His friend who is apparently named Jelf says "That's the spirit". But deep down Marvin has some self doubt....but at least it's not Jelf doubt....oh I crack me up.

Birthdays

Today is my 37th birthday. A day that I've been dreading for weeks now. I'm not really sure why though. It's not like 37 is a milestone birthday or anything. It's not a particularly special number or anything. It's just 37. I guess though that it kind of feels like the slide towards 40. I can't really pretend that I'm in my mid 30's anymore because I'm now looking ahead to the next milestone rather than just enjoying being here now.

The day started out with waking up before I really wanted to out of guilt that my children had been up for half an hour and despite being 12 and 9 still don't know how to get themselves cereal or even a snack yet. So I dragged myself downstairs in order that they didn't starve to death. Hero cookie for me!! We did sit around in our PJ's for a bit and then off to get the flu vaccine for Drew. We opted for the nasal mist rather than going for a needle. This option only seems to be available at a local grocery store chain rather than the heath region so off we went for groceries and a live flu virus....yeah!! There was only one dose of the mist left in this quadrant of the city so Drew got it and I'll take Camryn back in a few days when they get more. It's probably just as well because Cammie has a soccer game in the morning and then goalie training in the afternoon. I figured she wouldn't have had much fun if her body was also fighting off a weakened virus. I know....another hero cookie right?

We went for a fun lunch with my parents and then tonight I headed out with a great friend for some wine tasting. I guess I should clarify. I thought it would just be wines but they had samples of pretty much every type of alcohol you can imagine. Plus free food. Good laughs, good wine, good food, and fantastic company. It was such a wonderful way to ring in a birthday that I was dreading. So far 37 has been okay. Here's hoping that the other 364 days until 38 will be just as great.

One smart cookie....

It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas these days. Okay, well we've have some unseasonably warm weather here but take a look in every store and you are probably seeing chocolates, ornaments, and toys crowding the shelves. I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise that my daughter Camryn was starting to think about her list for Santa.

Several years ago Camryn asked for a toy horse that she could ride that walked and bucked. If you are wondering why you have never heard of this toy....well that's because it just doesn't exist. Oh sure her grandparents and I have tried passing off other toy horses that neigh, make a crunching noise when you place a toy carrot in it's mouth, and you can sit on it. Yup. Not at all what she had in mind. I thought I'd get smart and that year Santa wrote Camryn a lovely letter talking about how they had tried to build her a toy horse that walked and bucked but that it kept breaking down. Santa said he was sorry but that that he and the elves didn't want to give her a broken toy for Christmas. He had one of his very best elves Zippy Twinkletoes on the job to make her something else very special that year. I thought it was genius. I also thought that that was the end of it. Not so much....

Again the following year she asked for a toy horse that walked and had a "buck mode". Yah...still doesn't exist so this time Zippy himself writes the letter to Camryn saying that he and the other elves had been working very hard to build this toy horse. This time though Zippy's sister Dazzle was testing the horse's buck mode and it flung her across the workshop. Thankfully she landed in a pile of stuffed elephants and wasn't seriously hurt. Phew. Hello lawsuit!!

Probably not the real Zippy

So I was feeling rather smug and thinking that this year she would forget about this toy horse or at least that she would know that Santa wasn't going to risk anymore elf lives by trying to make such a seriously dangerous toy. Yah, think again sister. She still wants this stupid horse. She even wrote her letter this year and stated that it was okay if it didn't have a buck mode. She didn't want any of the elves to get hurt. She'll just settle for a brown horse that walks and she can ride on it. Yup....even that doesn't exist. I've googled it. There are a few products that are close but she doesn't want the one that bobs up and down. It has to walk.

I've officially been outsmarted by my 9 year old. At least she doesn't know that yet. And for those of you in the crowd that think that I should get her horse back riding lessons instead....um, done that. Santa gave that to her last year when he crushed her little heart and didn't bring this toy. She enjoyed the lessons but she still wants this horse very badly. I'm worried that she'll stop believing in Santa after this year if he can't produce the goods. She told me that he is magic and he can do anything. Sigh. I'm trying honey.....I'm trying.

Oatmeal freckles

Let me start this blog by saying that I am a little bit weird about food. I like my milk to be fresh. If it's not fresh and I have to worry about smelling it I am just as likely to toss it as take the whiff and end up gagging. I also used to have trouble touching raw meat. Imagine cooking for a family and not being able to touch raw meat. I am over it but it took a lot of aversion therapy.....self inflicted.....to move past it. And to this day I'm not really good about trying new things. I like what I like. However I do eat quite a few things that other people won't such as brussel sprouts, beets, and asparagus. So I'm not beyond help.

Camryn on the other hand is extremely weird about her food. They should not touch on a dinner plate. There will be no eating of any mixed up foods such as stew. Forget all sauces because she probably won't touch whatever it's covering. Yogurt must not have even the smallest bit of fruit chunk in it.

And then there is Oatmeal. Please give me the strength to watch that child eat oatmeal just one more morning. Do you know how oats will sometimes have a slightly dark spot in on the tip of the grain? Yah, to Camryn that is disgusting and vile and should not be in her bowl....of oatmeal. Yes, servant....remove the oats from my oatmeal!! But when asked what do you want for breakfast guess what she always wants. Ding, ding, ding. You win the grand prize if you said "Oatmeal". Let's get past the fact that it also can't be too thick or too runny. If you get the consistency just right then you need to watch her pick at the bowl for 20 minutes as she tries to avoid getting one of these grains on her spoon.

"Dino-egg" oatmeal with said dark spots

I tried to tell her that the dark spots were just like the freckles on her face. She looked at me thoughtfully and said "like oatmeal freckles?". Yes, honey you've got it. It's just a spot that doesn't change the person...or oat inside. Then she went back to carefully picking through the oatmeal with her spoon for the next 10 minutes.

Is 7:30 am too early to start drinking red wine? Who's with me?

The pitfalls of being average

Tonight we are having our bi-weekly Family Night. During the winter months....which is basically anything that isn't camping season the kids and I try to have a Saturday date night with my parents. We often do board games which almost always ends up being Clue the Paris Edition because the kids seem to love it so much. They love it despite someone always getting knocked out of the game half way through. I don't think this is why they love it but maybe there is a little bit of glee in that to date it has always been me or their grandpa who are sidelined by the draw of a single card. Sigh. Okay, it's probably the time spent together and all that. I know, I know. It just seems disproportionally rigged somehow.

Darn you Hasbro Games!!

Tonight however we are going to go see the movie Puss in Boots as our family adventure. The adults are looking forward to this because it looks pretty funny, Drew is looking forward to it because he loves all cats, and I think that Camryn just loves the idea of it because Puss is an animal that can talk. Voila....Family Night!! As I was thinking about the five of us heading out to the theatre it occurred to me just how amazing it is to be able to take my kids and go to a movie just like everybody else. I know that for many of you out there it might not seem like such a big deal but for us this is a huge evolution.

You see there was once a day not so long ago when the fear of leaving the house with both children at the same time was enough to make me just pop in a Wiggles VHS tape and crack open a bottle of wine.....for you young ones out there this was the pre-Blu-Ray, pre-DVD era......and no it wasn't in the black and white days as my children seem to believe. Amazingly this was just a half dozen years ago. Back then stopping at the local grocery store for one or two items was like playing Russian roulette. The gun in this case was my sweet little Camryn. I never knew when she would "go off". It could be after ten items or maybe just one. And I don't mean the slightly whiny snargy nosed 2 year olds whose mothers have a cart full of groceries and they are standing there oblivious. I mean a child who was so completely done with shopping that she would freak out, pulling things off the shelves, ripping her hair out, tantruming on the floor, and screaming like I was beating the life out of her.....Ah....good memories. Just for the record you could just as likely expect the same in a restaurant....even McDonald's. No way would we risk taking her to a first string movie. And then there was poor little Drew who had noise sensitivity issues. I'm sure his screaming sister helped make this so much more pleasant for him.

So for us to now plan to head out to a major movie like this on the second day after opening is actually pretty monumental. No more having to wait until the cheap theatres last ditched effort to squeeze a buck out of a film for us to show up. All the while desperately hoping that the theatre is mostly empty and thankful we only paid $2 each when I once again had to walk out of there half way through, Camryn firmly in the football hold, Drew toddling behind while we walk across the lobby pretending not to notice all the people starring at us. Nope, we can go on the second day of release at the real theatres....3-D in fact.

Yeah us!! Waiting in long lines, eating expensive crappy theatre popcorn, paying full price for the movie, getting our seats kicked by some little puke behind us, and walking on super sticky floors......just like everybody else!! Um, has being "average" always sucked this much?  

The other "F" word

Imagine me walking around the local drug store tonight laughing hysterically. I was by myself and just when I'd get myself under control I'd start laughing again. Why you ask? Because......wait for it.....I was farted on by an old lady. Now I'm sure that you can appreciate that this in and of itself is not particularly hilarious. However immediately when it happened all I could think of was "only me". Seriously who does this sort of thing happen too? Probably just me. I mean I'm guessing that everyone has been farted on by someone in their lifetime. But usually it's someone who they know and love. A spouse sleeping beside you, your children, maybe even your rotten older brother. But by a complete stranger?

It really was my own fault for being impatient I guess. She had been one of those old ladies that walks so slowly that even time is zooming past her. And might I add that she had a wide waddling walk that perfectly blocked me from passing her on either side of a generous sized aisle. So after watching the paint slowly fade on the walls for about 30 feet she suddenly stops right in front of me. I was so close behind her that I almost knocked her over. As I try to regain my balance she gets a wide stance and all I hear is what could best be described as the quack a dying duck might make. A whiny "waaaaaaaa" noise. Right on my leg. What the hell? I mean she knew it was coming and she squeezed it out. On my leg. Not even an apology for this violation of my previously poop free zone.

So then I spend the next 10 minutes wandering the aisles laughing so hard my face hurts, tears running down my cheeks, and I'll confess it....I actually snorted. I know....I'm so classy!! 

Coming full Cirque-le

Dear Cirque du Soleil,

I feel an overwhelming need to write this letter to you. I will admit that I've had a bad attitude about you without really any just reason to hold one. All these years and I assumed you were some sort of travelling freak show that didn't deserve the light of day.

Well today the kids and I came to the Grande Chapiteau with our tickets in hand. They were more excited than I was. I'll admit it. I pumped up your show to them all the while expecting it to suck butt. You see....I have a thing against contortionists and I really don't like circuses anyway. After seeing your show I have determined that you are indeed part freak show....I mean seriously....the human body isn't meant to do that. Yuck!! But at the same time you are also mesmerizing. My AD/HD children with ants in their pants, Tourette Syndrome, anxiety, and a touch of Autism on the side sat open mouthed eyes glued for the entire performance. Camryn wildly shrieking "This is inconceivable"....which I assume means she's been watching The Princess Bride at her dad's house again.

I am sorry for ever doubting you and talking smack about you all these years. I hope you can find it within your heart to forgive me. We will see you next show.

Colleen

P.S. Kill the porta-potties next time. Not cool dude!!

Gratitude

Today I am reflecting on what I am grateful for because it is Thanksgiving here in Canada. I decided to do a top 10 list of the weird things I'm grateful for.

10. That my crazy neighbor announced she's planning on moving away in November. I know, I know. I'll miss the drumming circles (in a condo). Oh and the physical altercations with her 26 year old daughter that end with "Go ahead, hit me again" and me calling the police. I love those police. I'll miss the stoner friends showing up at all hours to "chill".....which I've learned means to get high. Can I pay half the realtor fees for you to list now?

9. That my dog didn't pee on anything inside my house for the last 4 months. Of course I have him gated on the main floor exclusively but he's really good at not peeing on the main floor. Now if I let him upstairs....well.

8. Diet Pepsi and chocolate pudding. Not together silly. That would be gross. I might be a little crazy but I'm not a freak. Well, okay maybe on Monday mornings I'm a little bit freakish like but...um....back to the list.

7. That I now know how to get poop out of almost any fabric. Don't ask.

6. Aluminum foil. Strange I know but we go through a lot of it. For cooking....saves me dishes on those crazy nights. Keeps our upstairs cool....I have foiled the bedroom window......like a hillbilly cause I'm too cheap and lazy to get a heavy drape instead. It's great for crafts (including tin foil hats). Heck, even the dog eats it......alright I wasn't too grateful for that one. But I think the vet appreciated the added income. I could start a telethon. Foil for Vets. What? You don't think that would fly? 

5. That the gas company has stopped ringing my doorbell instead choosing to just leave the "Sorry we missed you today" card in my mailbox. The usually show up at dinner time. It's awesome. I'll just wait for the "It's been 6 months since we read your meter now let us in" card. Then maybe I'll answer the door. And no I don't care if you can see me inside Gas Guy. I think I've crushed his soul but hey...he's not bugging me anymore.

4. For Lulu Lemon pants made from Lycra-Spandex.....just in time for Thanksgiving Dinner. Pants I was probably never meant to wear. Suck it all you yoga people with flat tummys and perky bums. I'm soiling you're trendy image. Ha ha.

3. Push-up bras. I'm turning 37 in a few weeks. Need I say more? And while we're at it I'm grateful for Spanx too.

2. That Andrew hasn't discovered that lady bugs are beetles. Every spring and summer we start finding them inside our house. He is petrified of beetles. I'll never tell him.....

1. All of you out in the blogosphere. I am amazed that my little blog has grown so much in the last year. Okay, you aren't weird....or at least if you are that's none of my business. I'm just grateful for all of you. Group hug!! Too much? Sorry