On expressing yourself

Let me start this blog posting by saying I am extremely grumpy today. I don't know why I just am. I had trouble sleeping which probably has everything to do with it. It might also explain my crazy line of thinking...."follow me kids. I know the way." On the surface today would sound like most peoples idea of a great day off. One of those days where you can stay in your PJ's as long as you want. You could eat chocolate for breakfast because after all it's Christmas time and isn't that what you do? I took a hot shower until all the warm water ran out just because I could. It had all the makings of a fantastic day.


Yah but is it ever that simple? Of course not. If it was I wouldn't be writing about it. Wouldn't that be an interesting installment. "Hi everyone I did nothing today and it was great and we had fun and it was so super we are doing it again tomorrow". Yawn. Well break out the glass shards for me to eat if I have to "enjoy" this day again. I woke up grumpy and stayed grumpy. Nothing went right but then nothing really went really wrong either. I won't bore you with the details. For the sake of getting to a more interesting topic let's just agree that today sucked. Good. It's nice to be right. At least that went the way it was supposed to. Yeesh!!

So here I am at 11:00 pm pondering about waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Then it occurred to me. What the hell does that expression even mean? Most expressions make sense if you think about them. A bird in the hand is definitely worth two in the bush. Hell it's probably worth 20 in the bush....unless you are scared of birds then it would be more like that old Alfred Hitchcock movie where people are getting their eyes pecked out. Thanks for the nightmares Mr. Hitchcock. Let's see you put your finger out for a sweet little chickadee now.

What about "the writing is on the wall". Which loosely translates to you are being stupid for not knowing this so I took the liberty of putting Jiffy marker to the wall board. Read it dummy!! Or having to "pay through the nose" which means you might as well pass a watermelon dude because this is going to really hurt. And I think we'd all agree that it's obvious what would happen if we put a bull in a china shop. Hope you brought your platinum Visa card with you.

Then there are a few expressions that seem somewhat intuitive but maybe require a little bit more thought such as "painting the town red". I'm going to sound smart now but I will confess that I had to look it up. Here it comes, get ready for it......While most of us may not know that there was a drunk guy and his friends who back in 1837 actually went around and painted parts of their town.....did you catch it? I sounded like I actually knew something cool. Trust me that doesn't happen often. I like to revel in those moments where I can. Anyway even without me telling you what it was based on you could probably imagine that to paint a town could be an exuberant and gutsy thing to do. It could be for example a great way to get back at your neighbors who say actually painted their fence bright orange. Yes, orange. I probably don't need to give you the address. Just drive to my house and you'll know the place. Don't get it confused with the orange house down the street. Apparently orange is the new white in my neighborhood. To get back to the point you could probably figure out that painting the town any color is kind of a rowdy thing to do even without knowing that it actually happened many years ago.

Another good example would be to hear something "on the grapevine". I don't think I need to explain that this is a bit of a stretch in thinking. Grapes really have nothing to do with information sharing....well unless it's in the form of too much wine but that's another blog entirely. The term is believed to have come from comments made by soldiers back in the mid 1800's to describe the twisted path ....not unlike a grapevine....that information was passed from one person to another often ending up incorrect at it's final destination. Wow, twice in one blog. She's on a roll people. Yah....I looked that up too. Sorry to disappoint you.

So all this thinking...which at best is a dangerous thing to do when you are this grouchy anyway....led me back to the expression "waking up on the wrong side of the bed". How did this expression come about? My brain started getting squirrely as it often does when these ridiculous topics jump into my head. I imagined a well groomed, snooty looking man standing around drinking brandy with some buddies regaling tales of his horrible day and pinning all the blame on rolling left instead of right to get out of his over sided bed with 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and saying "har har har" as they all sympathized with his poor fortune. Hence the term was born.

Okay, I'll be honest. I did the research on this too. You'd think I was back in university for goodness sake. For those of you with enquiring minds several hundred years ago it was deemed unlucky to do anything on the left side first. That included getting out of the left side of your bed, putting on your left shoe first, or otherwise anything on that side.

So for those of you who eat left-overs, are left-handed, or who have left-wing political views watch out. The world is crumbling around you. You are best to just stay in bed and for goodness sake don't get out on the left side already. And for those of you whose partners sleep on the right hand side of the bed you now know just how selfish and spiteful they are for dooming you to a life of unrest, hardship, and misfortune. I suggest that tomorrow morning you crawl right over their pitiful sleeping selves as you ensure that your day starts the right way. Make sure to knee them in the ribs as you go. After all, isn't that what they deserve for stealing the lucky side of the bed anyway and not even telling you about it? I'm just saying it's a good that you have a true friend like me to tell you these things. After you finish climbing over them, watch as they roll out the left side. Look how grouchy they are. I told you. It's that damn left side of the bed that puts people in that mood. Now you know.

Tis the season

So last weekend I took the kids to the mall to see Santa. It was a bit of a crazy day so I should have known that things would not run as smoothly as I had expected. I'm not sure why I haven't figured out this eternal truth but things rarely go as expected....hence this blog was born.

We arrived at the mall and walked up to the reasonable looking line to see Santa. Two young ladies dressed as elves approach me and politely informed me that getting in line now was fine but that we might be waiting only to be turned away before Santa gets to us. Ask me how impressed I was at that moment. A sudden flash back to the hour we spent madly running around the house. Finding clothes that the children hadn't suddenly outgrown in the week since I bought them, wiping who knows what from their faces, curling hair, wetting down cowlicks, one last trip to the washroom, where did their mitts go, "Seriously you lost them again?", and then out the door. With my flashback done I realize the two ladies are still waiting for me to respond. In my head I hear "Oh we will be seeing Santa today my little elfy friends. We will see him even if I have to tackle a security guard to do it." I smile pleasantly and join the line.

We shuffle along with all the other overheated cranky families that decide to partake in the joyfulness of this activity. All of us with big smiles for our kids because after all this is what childhood wonder is about. Seeing this magical person who brings you your hearts desire. At any other time of year we would warn our children to stay away from this guy but now like teenagers waiting for Justin Bieber autographs we stand there in anticipation of our 2 minutes and a box of stale cookies with creepy woodland creatures painted on it. Okay, I can't honestly say if Justin Bieber also gives out such cookies with his autographs but you know what I mean.

After an hour we are at the front of the line. The lady with the clipboard smiles at me and asks that I commit to the photos I want even before they are taken. What kind of backwards set-up is this? Would you agree to buying glasses before your eyes were checked? But this is the way it's done apparently so I commit to 3 sheets. I am told this will equal almost $60.....Twenty per sheet and 2 hours of my life that I'll never get back. But we get cookies. Super.

So the kids climb up on Santa's lap and we get our 1 minute and 32 seconds.....give or take a few for the kids to share all their dreams, take the shot, pick a pose, take previously mentioned creepy cookies, get all of our stuff, and "NEXT!!". "Oh, and don't let the door hit you on the way out". They print the pictures only for me to discover in my 6 seconds to approve the shot that I failed to notice Santa’s eyes are closed, he has what looks like blood in his beard, and the color is all wonky. Awesome.

We leave but return a week later to get free re-takes that were pre-arranged when I advised the mall of our situation. Seems like the thing to do right? Oh....so wrong. Sometimes you are just better off not testing fate my friends. Another hour of running around the house but at least this time we will get to walk right up to the front of the line. We get to the mall for Santa the sequel. Dirty looks from moms with preschoolers who have been waiting for an hour. A few of them assuming I'm an idiot for going to the wrong end of the line-up. I see them give that nasty little smirk we all know so well. The one that says "You're so dumb and the line is filling up fast but I'm not going to help you because I'm too busy gloating". I'd like to take a moment to welcome Karma into my little story. Buckle up smirky moms.

We are first to see Santa and he looks well rested and chipper. They call us up. Now this is the way every year should go. But wait. Andrew grabs my hand and says "I don't feel well". "Slow deep breaths Hun, you'll be okay". He sits on Santa’s lap and they get the first picture. He wasn't smiling at all so they do a second shot. As I glance at the computer screen to see how this image turned out he jumps up, runs about 8 steps from Santa, and covers his mouth. I swear I heard Chariots of Fire playing in the background as I dashed around the counter. Just as I arrive with bag in hand he pukes. I believe it to be a Christmas miracle that he neither lost it on Santa's lap and that I also got the bag there just in time. However it maybe not so fortunate that the only bags available happened to be clear plastic sheaths for placing the photos in.

Everyone waits and watches as Andrew continues to be sick because I haven't approved this photo yet. Glorious moments to remember. Because we complained the first time they are scared to bump us and move to the next kid and so they stand there watching. Everyone is waiting for us and I feel the piercing hatred from all the line-up moms. I hope their kids pick their noses for their photos....that's all I'm saying.

I should apologize to all children in line who will never think of seeing Santa in quite the same way again. And then all the people in the Bay who climbed off the escalator and had no choice but to have a front row seat for round two. Holiday memories are so special. It's about spending time with your family....even if that family is making you hold a clear plastic bag of their vomit with dozens of witnesses.

Everybody sing "Fa la la la la".