Smile

I have been dreading today for months. To explain why I'll go back almost a year and a half. It wasn't a particularly memorable day way back then since I couldn't tell you anything about what happened before I went to bed. That night though I had a dream that I was eating rocks. Now before you go and spend anytime analyzing my dream I should tell you that when I woke up the next morning I realized I had cracked a filling in one of my molars. The rock that I thought I ate probably was my dentists hard work being used as a midnight snack. Fantastic right? Okay, so I put off getting it checked out forever. I'm not particularly fearful of the dentist but I wasn't having any problems so I just didn't make the time to get it checked out. I know I should have gone....I don't need your lecture. The stink eye from my dentist when I finally did go was lesson enough. Alright, well he didn't really give me the stink eye and I really didn't learn my lesson. What fun would it be for any of us if I did everything I was supposed to? We all know half of you reading this blog are only here to get a sick pleasure out of my stupidity. I'm just giving you what you came for. So let's just agree that there was a lesson here that I COULD have learned. Yah, maybe next time. Sigh. By the time I decided to finally plop my butt back in the chair last fall to have this darn thing checked out my tooth was just starting to hurt. The dentist took one look and told me that it wasn't my filling that broke but in fact was my entire tooth....cracked down the middle. Awesome!! I just don't do anything half way do I? Go big or go home I guess.

The dentist went on to explain what all my options were but the first step would be getting the tooth removed. So today was that lovely day. I woke up this morning and despite having plenty of time I found myself running a little bit behind schedule. If you have been itching to analyze me since I told you that I dreamed about eating rocks and were disappointed that there was a fairly literal translation this might be your chance. I took a shower until the water started cooling down. Then ran out of time and warmth to shave my legs. No big deal though right? It's not like I'm going to the beach....just a dentist. My whole morning was spent being one step behind where I should have been but I finally got to the dentists office...on time I might add only to find out they were running behind. Well at least I wasn't late. I sat down and waited. Eventually they lead me to the surgery suite. At that moment I couldn't help think that it was probably overkill to need a surgery suite to pull a broken tooth. The oral surgeon comes in and asks me to open up. He takes a look at this tooth that he hasn't seen for about 4 months and says "Wow, now that's broken". So you'd think that this sucker was ready to come out right. Yah, not so much. After quite the ordeal which involved more drills and pliers then you'd find on a construction site they finally manage to wrench this thing out. Thankfully I had so much freezing that my eye ball would still be numb 11 hours later.  

This is the point in the story where running behind all morning catches up with me in a hurry. The nurse who is assisting starts to get the cauterizer ready. Now while I'm not afraid of the dentist or needles I will say that I do have an extremely significant aversion to strong smells. I also have a bit of a fear of cotton batting in my mouth....go ahead and make fun. I know that's stupid. Maybe not as stupid as waiting for well over a year to get a broken tooth checked out but still pretty dumb. So while I'm laying there with a wad of cotton batting pushed deep into my mouth to keep my tooth from falling down my throat I'm going to get to smell them cooking me. Dreams really do come true kids. Now this procedure would be unpleasant for most people anyway but I also had a sudden flash back to 5 years ago at a tanning salon where the 12 year old at the front desk put me in a new super tanning bed for way longer than any pasty white person should ever be in there for and the result was not pretty. This is where the smell of my own flesh cooking takes me to my not so happy place. The salon was really awesome about it. The manager offered me 100 free tanning minutes as compensation for the second degree burns to about 50% of my body.....just what every future skin cancer patient wants right? They've since gone out of business. Quelle suprise!! I want my free minutes damn it!! I won't use them, but it's the principle of it. Long story short I probably started crying just a little bit when they brought out the cauterizer. Of course with my mouth shoved full of cotton batting it's not like I could say anything. Let the gagging begin. This is probably the starting point for the post traumatic stress disorder. My therapist can start reading from this point on....

So in preparation for this procedure the nurse has to apparently ground me. That makes me feel so much less upset and stressed out. Thankfully in doing so she provides me with a needed distraction. She walks to the end of the bed and hikes up my pant leg. This is just awesome since you may recall I didn't have time to shave my legs today....well I had time but wasted it. Even though I just shaved my legs a few days ago it is absolutely mortifying to have them exposed in the bright glare of operating room lights. Not to mention the pasty white skin underneath. Bet that's the prettiest thing they've seen today. Ugh. Okay, I know it's not like I was laying there completely naked or something but still. Nobody told me to shave my legs today. I wanted to just crawl under a rock for daring to show up in such a state. And as an added dagger in the side once the procedure is over they have to rip the pad off your leg. When the hell did I sign up for leg waxing? Is the crap they are doing in my mouth not enough but now they have to rip a layer of skin off too....and in only one 6 x 6 inch patch? At least do the whole bloody leg if your down there anyway.

So the next time you have to go to the dentist's office ladies and you're running out of time to shave both your arm pits and your legs I will offer a bit of advice. Legs is the right answer. Who knew?