And then there were two...



Born wild....nature girl at heart



Andrew was such an easy baby and toddler in so many ways. I could put him down with a pile of board books while I ran to the kitchen to stir whatever was in the pot for dinner, go tuck some clean laundry into dresser drawers in the bedroom, or brush my teeth knowing that he would probably still be in the exact same spot when I came back. It wasn't that he didn't like to explore but he was just so easy going that I could leave him somewhere baby proofed and know he'd be fine. Sure he might pull a few of his books off the shelf but he was happy. He was so easy in fact that I was lulled into thinking we were somehow super parents who could handle a second child no problem. I mean how much harder could a second baby be? Famous last words right?

Camryn was an alert and feisty baby right from the start. Looking back I'd have to say that she was probably happiest in her swing, swaddled up with her hands touching her face. We learned very quickly not to wrap her with her arms down. Oh no. If you did she'd let you know how very unhappy it made her. She was very fair when she was born so the screaming turned her to a shade of red that was almost unreal. There was no doubt how she was feeling at any given moment and she wasn't afraid to express herself.

She was the baby that was harder to sooth, harder to amuse, and harder to get to sleep. I knew it wasn't anything like colic but she was just more prickly. Her dad even developed a special walk to get her to sleep which we later named "the Raptor" because we had to walk in a bobbing motion while up on our toes as if you were looking for prey. If you saw the movie Jurassic Park with the small raptors that hunted the kids in the kitchen....yah, that was just like what we had to do. Sounds soothing right? But it worked. Despite this everything else in those first few months was wonderful. It wasn't until around the age of four months that I noticed anything out of the ordinary with her. Sure she had fire in her belly but she was fitting into the family perfectly. Then one day while out for a walk with my Mom, Camryn didn't react to a dog suddenly going crazy on the other side of the fence only a few feet away. It was enough to startle the others in the group but Camryn didn't even flinch. Maybe she has trouble hearing we thought. Of course I wasn't convinced. I was sure that she had responded to my voice before. So I waited until later in the day when she was playing and I came up behind her and called her name. She didn't notice. I called again, this time a little bit louder. There she sat playing. I got about a foot behind her still thinking this time she'll turn. I suddenly clapped my hands as loudly as I could but she just sat there facing the other way completely unaware of me slapping my hands together as if everything depended upon getting a reaction. Could it be true....was she deaf? I called the pediatrician and took the first appointment they would give me.

"I'm sure it's nothing" I was told. Oh, years later if only I had trade marked that phrase. I will say those have to be my favourite words ever. Kind of a nice way of saying "I think you're crazy so I'm pretending you aren't really there". The pediatrician did book us for a hearing assessment but as I was leaving the office he said  "Give it some time she'll be fine". When we got in two agonizing months later sure enough her hearing was just fine. It didn't make any sense. Maybe I was just an over anxious mother after all. Then within a few months I realized that the babbling Camryn had started recently was now almost gone. Back to the pediatrician and once again I was told "Don't worry Mom. Give it time". So that's what I did. For several months I watched as my baby stopped making all sounds except for the odd laugh, a weird growling noise, and crying. For those of you following along you can probably guess what happened next. Pediatrician. Check. "Don't worry". Check. Go home and wait. Um....nope. Not this time. I hired a private speech pathologist to see Camryn. Sure enough even at 11 months she had a severe speech delay because she wasn't babbling or cooing at all. Took that report to the pediatrician and finally I was taken seriously. Apparently I needed a professional to say she's not babbling because I'm pretty sure I said those exact same words and was told it wasn't a problem. Look at me being so smart. I could be in child development....oh wait....I am. Hmmm. Super.

A few more months after that two major things started. First Camryn began speech therapy. She also started have tantrums. Now you may be thinking "so what's the big deal, all kids have tantrums". While that is true even the word tantrum doesn't fully describe these outbursts. These were all out screaming fests where Camryn couldn't be touched, you couldn't really look at her or she'd scream more and if you moved she'd start hurting herself. All I could do was sit by and ride the wave with her. "Now what could possibly set an 18 month old off like this?" you ask. The answer.....anything....everything....and sometimes even nothing!! At about that time we went on a family vacation to Disneyland. Worst week of my life!! The crying, biting, pulling her own hair out, and oh so much screaming. I vowed then and there to never go on vacation with her ever again. Yah, never believe what I say in the heat of the moment....we've gone to Disney two more times since then. Apparently I kept forgetting how much fun travelling with her could be. Despite these massive tantrums I could tell in my heart that she wasn't just a spoiled brat. There was really something terrifying for her. Call it mothers instinct but I could see the fear in her eyes when she got like this. It was as if she was a tornado spinning out of control and nobody was more afraid about that then she was. It didn't make her any easier to deal with but I could sense that she wasn't just doing it to get her own way. I learned patience as I sat with her hour after hour. It's not like I could do anything but sit and watch her when she got this upset. As always the pediatrician assured me that the tantrums couldn't really be as bad as I described and she'd grow out of them as all children do. Of course she usually behaved beautifully in the doctor's office. That was awesome. Now I look crazy.

When she finally had one of these epic tantrums during a speech therapy appointment the therapist politely asked if she could be referred to their psychologist for a consult. I think it was the hiding under the table unable to be touched or looked at that kind of freaked the speech pathologist out. "Does she do this often?" she asked. "Everyday" I replied. Finally it felt like someone was going to help. But then in just one appointment with the psychologist I got those familiar words once again. "Give it time she's fine" was all the support I got for that. Fantastic. So for the next year and a half we endured tantrums that lasted as long as an hour sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. You couldn't leave her because she might harm herself if you did. I didn't get the sense that she intended to hurt herself but just that she was so out of control and didn't know how to stay safe. And there we sat day after day as she screamed herself completely out. Tantrums usually ended only because she would collapse into a couple hour nap from being totally exhausted. It wore me out just watching her. You'd think we'd get some help at that point right? Wrong. "She's just strong willed" one expert would say. "You need to be tougher and not give in" the next would tell me. I even had a parenting coach come in because by this point I was convinced that I was screwing this up totally. I mean, Andrew had been such an easy child. I couldn't understand how I could mess this up so bad when my other kid was happy. After all I had been told time and again there was nothing wrong with her.....it must be something I was doing or not doing.

The truth of it was I was sad for Camryn. She seemed to be so unhappy at times. Then there was the exhaustion. When she was screaming I couldn't get anything else done which meant I had to do everything after she fell asleep. Now that was another challenge. It sometimes took 2 or 3 hours to get her to bed at night. I had been a single parent for some time by this point and to be honest most of those years are a bit of a blur. Nobody in the house slept much and it felt like my world was in shambles. When she was about 4 and a half I brought in a second parenting expert to help coach me and she told me that from what she could see I was doing everything right. Of course she saw us at home and Camryn stayed calm during every one of her first 6 visits. The little turkey. So I suggested that we try an outing with our parenting coach. I had had an awesome visit to IKEA with Camryn 2 weeks previous....and by awesome I mean in the way that jabbing toothpicks into you eyes would be awesome. So the next week this poor lady met us at IKEA for what would become an memorable adventure. I had Andrew in tow as well. Things started out okay. We got past the kids play area without too much of an issue. Through most of the top floor and then came the children's section with all it's whimsical furniture and bins full of toys.....including the stuffed animals. I knew this could be our big moment. After all this had been our break down spot 3 weeks earlier so I held my breath as we approached. Camryn was immediately attracted to pile of large brown dogs. For the record I will state that she had lots of stuffed animals at home that she had gotten as gifts and I also am not the kind of parent that buys their kid something at the checkout just to stop the whining. Being in child development I know that giving into the tantrum is the best way to keep it going so I just wasn't the type to cave when Camryn asked to buy a toy which is exactly what she wanted to do with this dog. Most kids might whine or even cry but accept that this was what would happen. Not Cam. I had gone over the rules before we even got to the toys that we wouldn't be buying anything today. So she had even been forewarned. Child development technique #42. Check.

Almost immediately upon being told we couldn't buy the dog she went into a full out scream right there in the middle of the busy walk way. It was so primal I'm sure dogs for miles perked up their ears to hear this strange new sound. This spot just happened to be perfectly situated in front of the elevator and was also the pass through to the restaurant and one of the quick passageways between store sections. She probably couldn't have picked a more awkward or inconvenient spot if she had had time to plan it out. By this point the screaming was now blood curdling akin to something you might hear in a horror movie. Before I knew it Camryn was down on the ground kicking and scratching at anyone who came within 2 feet of her.....which was um....everybody. The parenting coach rushed over and was telling me all the stuff to try. "Don't give in. Restate the rules. Tell her what you'd like her to do now. Let her chose what to do". A frustrated lady with perfectly behaved children sneers and says "just buy her the toy already". Sadly I had learned over the years that there was no way to sooth Camryn once she got this upset. What this lady didn't understand is that even if I did buy the dog it wouldn't change anything. Camryn was already beyond comfort and we were only a minute in. Getting the thing she initially wanted could no longer fix what was going wrong for her. Unlike most kids who will actually stop their tantrum when they get the item they were screaming for this was never the case with Camryn. It was like Pandora's box was open and there was no way to close it now. In many ways this made me have a soft spot for Camryn because in my heart I knew that there was something completely out of control for her. She wasn't misbehaving to manipulate me. She was simply so totally out of control she couldn't contain it. After about 10 minutes of the parenting coach trying to employ strategies with Camryn she finally said "I think we're going to have to carry her out". This certainly wasn't a news flash for me. I couldn't help but remember having to carry Camryn out of Disneyland 3 years earlier...in a football hold....all the way back to the hotel. To say that I felt both vindicated and frustrated by the lack of any new ideas from a so called expert would be an understatement. I mean it felt good that I had been doing what I should have been doing all along but that didn't solve anything either. So there is me with a 4 and a half year old again in a football hold. She is screeching bloody murder with Andrew and a parenting coach trailing behind me. Don't think there weren't hundreds of nasty people glaring at me as if I was Mother of the Year just to make sure that I truly enjoyed my IKEA visit that day. For the record that doesn't help people. If you don't think I'm acutely aware of how annoying the screaming is or that she really IS too old to be doing this then you must be drunk. I know already!! Thanks for helping me feel so much better with your snotty looks. That's great. Love you too.

By the time I got back to my car and was able to wrestle Camryn into her car seat I was frazzled and sweaty. She continued to scream inside the car. I just sat down on the pavement and cried. I'm sure it was the ugly cry too. There was no holding back at that moment. I realized that my life was not normal. It wasn't the white picket fence life I had dreamed of. I was a single parent, my kid was miserable, I felt totally unequipped to help her, and now I'd never be able to show my face at IKEA ever again. So I just sobbed. I'm not sure if it was more out of relief that this was over or out of sheer anger at the stupid people who have no idea what it's like to be in that situation. Sure most parents have had their 2 year old behave badly at the grocery store but I'll say you need balls of steel to live through an IKEA public shaming.

It would be worth noting that our parenting coach quit her position the very next week. I don't mean just with us but with the agency. I'd like to think maybe she had a better offer at some prestigious firm or that she would have quit anyway but somehow in my heart I suspect that we were the straw that broke her will to live. Sorry about that Tanya.



Fast forward a few years. Camryn is still struggling. I wish I could report that things were going super but that wouldn't be entirely true. Don't get me wrong I love that kid to bits and I even love how deeply she feels things. There is something very raw about how she experiences the world. Camryn brings a joy to my life that I can't express in words. She is one of the most genuine and real people I know. When she is sad it's because whatever upset her truly mattered in her world. When she is happy she beams. There has been some improvement. She now does really well out in public most of the time. We've even been back to IKEA with modest success. Thank goodness because now at age 9 I couldn't carry her out if I needed to. People would probably think I was kidnapping her....as if someone would want to steal the screaming kid. We still have some crying at home but it's at least better than it was. There are no more hour long events thank goodness. However Camryn's most recent report card included a note from the teacher that she is crying frequently in class and often it's out of proportion to the event that upsets her. Yah, no kidding!! Is this news to anyone? Keeping in mind that her brother has now been diagnosed with a form of Autism I will also reveal that several medical professionals have flagged Camryn as possibly being on the spectrum too. Of course I found this out years after people first suspected it and only by chance. Apparently someone had referred her to be assessed when she was 3 and a half but never bothered to tell me. Then again at 5 I found out by accident that the most recent doctor we had seen also was thinking Autism. Maybe I look dangerous or something. Nobody seems to want to tell me that my kid isn't typical....doesn't the fact that I look crazy, sleep deprived, and completely frazzled indicate that I probably already know?....or at least have a clue. Anyway once I found this out I was all over it. I've been all over it since she was 4 months old. She was finally assessed at age 6. For reasons that I won't completely get into they felt that Camryn didn't have Autism and surprise, surprise that I should give it some time and that she'd grow out of whatever difficulties she was having. Wow, never heard that before. Pure genius I say!! Do you detect the sarcasm? So exactly when the hell is she going to just grow out of this? It better be before she's 85 that's all I'm saying.

Now that she is 9 and we are still dealing with all of it I have decided to have someone else take a fresh look at this. The same psychologist that diagnosed Andrew last summer has agreed to see Camryn. So in 4 weeks we will be going through this process again. I am having major apprehension over this. Not only am I still waiting for the results of Andrews genetic testing for Muscular Dystrophy but I'm also struggling with after effects from my car accident. Three years ago when the first assessments took place for Camryn things just didn't go very well. There were lots of reasons for that but ultimately the teacher reported that Camryn was doing just fine. It didn't matter that she was struggling in all the other areas of her life....and not just with me.....but that if she was doing well at school it couldn't be as bad as I made it out to be. Yah, awesome...again not new info. If it didn't mean that Camryn had to suffer in the process I'd be tempted to say to the teacher and the school staff that since there was nothing wrong according to the school they could figure it out on their own. I felt that they kind of threw Camryn and I under the bus 3 years ago so now they could find a way to deal with her daily crying and hiding under tables. However, it breaks my heart that Cam is so sad in class.

Of course I know Autism isn't just about crying. It's more than that. She is quite a different presentation from Andrew. She has terrible eye contact, she really really loves flying animals....a lot....did I mention I hate bats and birds....and then there is the history of speech delay and appearing deaf as a baby even when she wasn't. All of that and a family history means it's worth the time and effort to answer this question once and for all. There are days when I don't see it but there are lots of days when I do. I think I'm finally ready to find out.

So as if my plate weren't full enough I've ordered another serving of chaos and drama. However if it leads to some clarity and understanding for Camryn it's worth it. And if I hear one more person tell me she's fine and will grow out of it I just might flop down on the floor in the middle of IKEA and scratch someones eyes out. You've been warned.