The fun never ends



Here I am 4 months and 5 days after my so called "minor" car accident and I'm still learning just how screwed up I am. The other day I had the pleasure of going for a vestibular assessment. I bet most of you are like "vest-i-bule" what? In a nut shell the vestibular system is what helps you keep your balance and lets you know where you are in space. I have had ongoing issues when I turn my head, roll over in bed, and bend over to pick stuff up. Heck I even get dizzy just sitting there. I can't tell you how many walls I've walked into or how many times I've tipped sideways crashing into things. It's like being drunk without the fun part. Okay, I will admit sometimes it is kind of funny. Seriously how can you not laugh at yourself for walking into a wall?.....I mean after the swearing part.

So I started a list of things that make me look foolish and walking into walls is number one on the list. Of course there have been a few others too. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't done lots of things in the last few months to look really stupid. If you are sitting there saying "I'm sure that's not true Colleen" then clearly you haven't been reading my blog. So my list has become rather extensive. And apparently after the assessment I can add standing on one foot with my arms at my sides and having my eyes closed as I tip sideways into the wall to this list of stuff. I can't say I would have discovered this activitiy on my own. They tested me doing all kinds of really common things. You know how late at night when you just feel like standing in a dark room on one foot and stuff. Well I'm no longer good at that. Who knew? Not sure what I will do the next time that comes up in real life. I'll have a bunch of friends over and be like "Hey guys, wanna stand on one foot in the dark? Oh wait I can't. Never mind!" Sigh.

I will say that this assessment was far nicer than the eye exams and head scans I've already gone through in the last few months....mostly because nobody was doing crap to my eyeballs or giving me brain cancer. There is a lot to be said for assessments that avoid those things. I give them two thumbs up!! With this one I pretty much got to be in a room where the only people under the age of 87 were the therapist and I. Apparently the only people in worse shape than me are those who are completely surprised to wake up each morning. Great!!

The assessment consisted of there therapist laying me down, sitting me up, turning my head, having me stand on this foot and then that foot, having me walk across the room and then again 14 more times, and looking at a playing card while I shook my head back and forth. Phew. Even I can pass that test. I'm pretty sure I aced it. Then there were these bizarre goggles that she had me put on. They block out all light and have a camera to watch your eye movement in complete darkness. So there I am looking like Darth Vader's love child unable to see anything and she tells me to look straight ahead. "I am looking straight ahead" I say. "No you're looking down" she responds. I'm thinking how the heck am I supposed to know where I'm looking? It's pitch black and there's nothing to look at. At this point I imagine that I'm probably the most entertaining thing all my new geriatric friends have seen all week. I swear I hear them snicker because my hearing has now become more accute with losing my vision and all. "I'll get you Maybelle if it's the last thing I do". Maybe this is like the movie Dinner for Schmucks. They've invited me here in some sort of loser contest for their own perverted amusement. Awesome. I'm a schmuck. At least I don't dress up dead rodents.....yet!!

Finally I take the super cool goggles off and feel such disappointment that I don't get to keep them. Sigh. The therapist advises me that I do indeed have inner ear dysfunction. She goes on to explain that during my accident my brain would have gone forward and then back causing my concussion. However because my head was turned to the side at the time my brain likely would have come back and squashed my inner ear giving it a concussion of sorts too. Wonderful I think to myself. Now I'm a freak of nature with an ear concussion. I'm such a weirdo. I'm so glad that there is now proof of this. I bet all of you really want to hang out with me now. Sigh. If anybody needs me I'll be in my room standing on one foot in the dark and stuff.