"Back away from the shoes lady"

Today I decided to teach the kids to tie shoe laces. Okay well truthfully Camryn's grade 3 teacher has been sending notes home to do it. I think all the parents are getting nagged and it's not just me. I would like to start by saying Camryn has slip on running shoes at school so I'm not sure what the urgency is but by about the 36th day in a row it was getting old....really old. I had a uniform that included lace up dress shoes when I went to school so I knew how to tie them in grade 1. Not that it wasn't torture for my mom to have to teach me at that age....'cause it sounds like it was. Sorry Mom. To be honest Camryn has been ready for a few years but it wasn't just laziness on my part. I considered teaching her. However Andrew hasn't been ready because of his motor delays. I'm not sure if he's even ready now but with Camryn's teacher insisting on it I don't know if I can put it off any longer. It really seems to bother him when she surpasses him in anything. So far I've been able to stall Cam on a few things. One of them was learning to ride a bike until she expressed a real interest last summer. Before that she didn't ask and I didn't encourage it either. Luckily Drew was finally ready when she was and he was also motivated to do it if his sister could. So in a few tear filled sessions he learned along with Camryn. Then about two weeks into summer he fell off his bike and got some serious road rash. I was pretty sure that would end his willingness to ride a bike but he pushed through. I was so impressed.

We've also had to "accidentally" register Camryn in lower levels of swimming just so that Andrew wouldn't get passed by his little sister. So far she hasn't noticed which is a miracle because remembering numbers such as the swimming level she's in seems to be a talent of hers. Thank you AD/HD. She's now only one level below him so not sure what I'll do if she passes and he doesn't. As is my usual strategy I will wait to cross that bridge when I come to it. So far this has worked out for me. However I'm not so sure if my lucky streak will continue with the shoe laces.

So today was the day that I broke down and bought both kids cool new shoes with laces. Yes I am crazy for attempting new things when we have so many stressors but I never claimed to be sane or smart. Okay well I probably have claimed to be both of those but for the purpose of this blog let's say I haven't. I show up at a large store here called the Shoe Warehouse that often has the brands other kids would want....although neither of my kids has a clue about that sort of thing anyway. I'm looking at shoes when one of the staff walks by and asks if I'm finding everything okay. "Well actually I'm having trouble finding the correct size" I say. No response. I look up to find the lady who asked just walking right on by. (You may want to remember her. She'll become important later in my story.) Wow I think that's awesome customer service. Kind of a don't give a rats butt about you kind of attitude. Did I mention how much I love shopping to begin with? So I pick out two pairs by myself and head to the cash register. The lady behind the counter is on the phone and remained so for the duration of my purchase. I must say I'm sooo impressed by this especially because I want to ask about returns and exchanges but of course can't because that would be rude to interrupt her conversation. Then a male employee walks up. He asks if these shoes are for my kids. I guess I should have just been impressed that I was getting some personal service. However with my already stellar mood from my previous 20 minutes here it was everything I had not to reply with "no the bedazzled Sketchers with rainbows and flashing lights are totally for me. I might wear them to work". I was proud of myself that I actually held my tongue. Then he continues with "it's nice to see a parent who buys lace up shoes for a change". Go on I think to myself. He says "I can't believe how many parents leave it until grade 3 or 4 to teach their kids to tie laces". I figure at this point I'm just going to sit back and let this guy continue to put his foot in his mouth since Andrew doesn't yet have this skill at 11. It's sort of my favourite past time to watch people do stupid things. Just as I'm finished my purchase with the apathetic woman on the phone I say "I guess it's good that I'm finally getting around to teaching my son in grade 6 then. Have a great day". As I'm walking out I think to myself "Hope you aren't choking on your foot for too long". With that I took MY awesome new Sketchers and left.

Of course given my luck Camryn's shoes were too big....I mean.....my new Sketchers were too big for Camryn and she was totally jealous that I got some for myself and stuff so I headed back to the store today to buy a pair the next size down. Fully expecting to see Mr. Shoe Lace guy again when I went inside. I guess he took the day off. Hope it wasn't anything I said. Now I'm feeling really bad. Truthfully it was probably just his day off because he's so lucky to have to work weekends that they give him every second Thursday off as a perk. Woohoo. Livin' the life!! So I'm in the store and find the shoes I want. They are in a shoe box up on the shelf. Now I've worked in retail and I know that stores kind of hate when you reach for things. All they can see is my mangled corpse laying under 4 boxes of kid's shoes.....after all 4 boxes is actually 8 runners in total. That's seriously dangerous stuff ya'll. Especially Sketchers. Deadly!!

So I try to be a good customer by looking for a clerk to retrieve this box of shoes that is totally within my reach. Not a soul in the store. Apparently the previous happy crowd who worked here now doesn't even want to be seen so they have found a way to blend into the racks of shoes. It's shoe stealth mode. I was in a bit of a hurry so I lifted my arm up towards the box. Now that I have apparently committed the ultimate sin against the store my good friend "walking right past yah" lady springs into action. Just as my hand brushes the side of the box I hear "Ma'am.......NO!!" It was said in a tone that I would probably use if I had come home to find my couch ripped to shreds and my dog sitting there with foam hanging out of his mouth. You could easily imagine that instead of "Ma'am....NO" this lady was saying "Augie! NO! Bad dog....very bad dog". Of course I didn't eat the couch I just reached for some shoes. I look up to where this stern voice is coming from and see a noticeably pregnant store clerk walking towards me. And what is she doing? She's got her hand on her hip and is wagging her finger at me". As she does she says "No. No. No. You do NOT touch the shoes". Now you might assume that I had pooped on the floor for fun and done a naked dance around it the way she was talking to me. For the record I didn't.....but now that I have the chance to think about it I kind of wish I had just for the shock value. Okay, I'm not that type of person but I can dream about it can't I? So I just looked in horror and disgust at her. I told her that she could take her finger out of my face immediately. Now I will say there are at least 100 things I could have.....and probably should have said to her that she would totally have deserved. While I was now grouchy with her I refrained from slapping her....one of my first thoughts.....and maybe still my favourite. I didn't swear at her or raise my voice. I didn't insult her or even storm out. However apparently telling her to stop finger wagging at me was crossing the line in her books. She abruptly told me that I did not have to be rude to her and that abuse of employees will not be tolerated. Are you kidding me lady? Am I on Candid Camera? Me abusing her? In what universe am I being abusive? I just want to buy some shoes.

I tell her that if they want to make the sale then she would be well advised to get the shoes off the shelf or I'm walking out. So she hauls out the ladder in all her pregnant wonder and steps up to the first rung which is only about 6 inches off the ground and pulls the box out of the pile. The top box of shoes goes tumbling to the ground. I guess her fancy method of safely removing shoes from the pile is so amazing after all. Good thing none of the shoes fell over and put anyone at risk. Oh wait......yah super safe. Great work!! I refrain from kicking the ladder out from under her....but only for that poor baby she's cooking in her "oven" of rage. It's going to have a hard enough life with a mother like her. Can you imagine when that baby reaches for a toy she'll probably smack it and tell it to stop abusing her. I make my purchase and walk out NEVER to return to that location of the Shoe Warehouse again. I know I shouldn't be too hard on them. After all they have to deal with people trying to buy shoes ALL day long. I mean.....how can they be expected to put up with that crap? That's just not fair. In fact it's downright cruel.

So let's say it together. "We do NOT touch the shoes".