Legal disclaimer:
*** Let me say right up front that this blog is only a composite of events that may or may not have occurred and any likeness to a real individual is coincidental.....mostly......but maybe kind of real.....so please don't sue me if you are this person. Now that we have my disclaimer out of the way let the "totally hypothetical" story begin.
I bet even before you read this blog entry you'll assume from the title that I had some sort of home renovation disaster. That would make a really good subject for a blog since renovation disasters are rarely boring. However I have a different sort of flooring problem.
Namely I have a problem with a flooring store. It started out with my Oh my Murphy!! posting from February 17th. Things began okay. People read it and I got a comment and then shortly there after I got a second one. Sounds dreadfully exciting so far doesn't it? Okay but that's not really the whole story. The second comment was obviously not from one of my usual readers. It was an advertisement for a local flooring store posted in my comment section without my knowledge. I was not impressed so I tried to contact the store. This in theory should be easy since they posted their website address. Here's a hint: If you post your web address it also helps me (the blog author) find out who did it. It's kind of like when little kids play hide and seek and they put their hands over their eyes and say "I'm hiding come find me" or when someone spray paints their own name on the side of a building. My lawyer advises me that I can say "In my opinion it may be unwise to be so obvious". I wanted to say that I thought this was a completely stupid thing to do but I'll stick with the legal team.....wouldn't want to offend anyone by calling them stupid which is why I wouldn't say that this was a really stupid thing to do. I'm way to nice (and well advised by a legal team) to say that.
So I used my incredible detective skills and went to the website. I know....I even impressed myself. I'm so sneaky. I advised this store that I was not in the least bit impressed with them and that I would be reporting them to the Better Business Bureau (BBB) for their questionable advertising techniques. It is my stance that any legitimate business should not be randomly posting advertisements on unrelated blogs. It's called spam and I think we'd all agree that it is unwelcome. Probably why people named it spam after the delicious meat-like product sharing the same name. Although as a side note if you are poor enough to have to eat Spam try brushing it with mustard, coating it in bread crumbs, and then frying it. Trust me it's the only way this becomes a "food-ish" product in my books. So I did exactly what I said I was going to do and filed a report. A few weeks later I heard back from the BBB.
In the stores response the owner defended himself and proclaimed that I was unprofessional and malicious. My first response was something akin to "yah, so what's your point?". I was not aware that I was expected to be professional while being spammed by random businesses. I guess that is my oversight. Let it be a lesson to you all. When someone spams you the correct thing to do is that you are to like it and thank them repeatedly....apparently. My lawyer advises me that calling this individual a dumb ass would be inappropriate as it would only prove his point that I was unprofessional and malicious. So I won't say that. The lawyer didn't say I couldn't think it though. Everyone take a moment while I do that.......there. Thanks. I know I feel much better now. Since I had not been a customer or in anyway asked to be involved with this business I'm not sure I feel like I need to be professional. I didn't call him names or act abusively in my email I just said that I hoped he enjoyed his spoiled BBB report....and I still do. I make no apologies for my awesome attitude either. That might be sour grapes but it's the truth as I know it. He went on to say that he was almost totally sure that he didn't post any comments on MY page but that if he did he would need the web address of my blog so that he could review it. Hmmm. Interesting. I read that to mean that he doesn't think he spammed me in particular but can't really be certain because he's posted his ads on so many blogs without permission and that he doesn't really remember mine specifically. Great now I'm forgettable. Isn't that fantastic? Why don't you just pour lemon juice on my paper cut friend!! My lawyer advises against calling him a friend as this implies that we somehow know each other and that he would have felt a certain degree of entitlement to post on my blog. Just to be clear he and aren't really friends. I totally “unfriend” him.
So to be clear if I provide this highly professional business person with my blog address again he'll sit down and actually read it to see if it rings a bell to him because we are all quite sure that he took the time to read it before spamming it in the first place right? He then stated in his response that the only reason his business ever posts comments on blogs is to use them as (and I quote) "a learning resource" for himself, his family, and his customers. I guess that makes me a Learning Resource Specialist. Awesome. I'll add that to my resume right now.
Now you all know the secret to a successful business. No need to take a marketing class, or read a book, or even hire a firm. The secret to success is read random blogs that are totally unrelated to your business. I just saved you 4 years of your life and the cost of a university education. Yes, I know I'm amazing. Helping you is just what I do. But the real hero is the flooring store owner. It was so thoughtful of him to share this amazing business plan with us....his potential new customers. And here you thought you were just reading my blog. Now you know how to run a business. Look at how productive you all are. Such great multi-taskers. As your Learning Resource Specialist I'm so very proud of you.
So all this business advice got me thinking. Not only have I helped you but apparently I am also helping out this flooring store. That makes me so immensely happy I could punch someone in the face. My lawyer would like to advise that this is merely a metaphor for how unhappy I am and that I would never actually strike someone. While this is entirely true it doesn't change the fact that I still kind of want to. The owner of my new most favourite flooring store clearly stated that he only posts on blogs that he is using as learning resources. I wondered to myself just how could my blog help his customers? I'll admit this took quite awhile to figure out as I felt the link between flooring and my postings was not easily seen. You may also be sitting there thinking Colleens blog and a flooring store is like comparing apples with airplanes. Then it came to me. I wondered if he was losing sleep at night worried that his customers will find themselves on a first date from hell and try to steer them clear of the danger by sharing my entry The girls guide to avoiding an axe murderer (one of my personal favourites). After all I'm certain that would be what every flooring customer wants when they enter the store. See I just knew there must be some legitimate connection to my blog and not just a random series of events or a Google search that went sideways. He's trying to provide his customers with all their needs in one location. It's brilliant. Kind of like shopping at Wal-Mart. "Need lipstick, kitty litter, advice on letting your kid walk to the park by herself for the first time, and a new push-up bra....come to my flooring store!!" Hey don't blame me if that sounds stupid. It wasn't my business idea. I'm just sharing the knowledge.
I imagine that for years flooring customers would walk into his store and say that they are looking for hardwood flooring and information about Autism or they may say something like "I need to replace the tile on my kitchen floor....oh and I would like information about Colleen's dating life too. My friend recommended you". I'm so tempted to go into his store and ask for those things. Can you imagine the look on the staffs faces? I bet it wouldn't be very professional and would be similar to the look they'd give if I walked in and peed on the floor. I might even be escorted out. But wouldn't it be fun anyway?
My lawyer advises me that I need to say that nobody should go to a flooring store and pee on the floor because it wouldn't be very nice. But it would be funny!!
So as I wrap up this entry I will give my top Learning Resource Specialists tips:
1. It is probably unwise to chose the platform of a sarcastic, malicious, and completely unprofessional blog author to post your spam ads on. That is just asking for trouble. Yes I was the kid who could write opinion papers in school, get 100% and not even know anything about the topic. I'm just that opinionated. Be thankful I didn't name your store in my entry.
2. Openly admitting that you are using someone else’s intellectual property and ideas to further your business without even knowing the source that you got it from and presenting it as your own for profit might not be a smart thing to admit to the Better Business Bureau. Hello!?!
3. Making up a completely implausible lie about using my blog as a learning resource when it has absolutely nothing to do with your business rather than just saying sorry makes you look like an idiot. My lawyer advises me to state that this is only my own personal opinion and not necessarily fact.
4. Remember kids that lawyers will cover your rear end for you but they can't make the owners of flooring stores any smarter or less jerky. Of course that's just my opinion.
So in closing I'd like to thank this individual. Should he chose to post on my blog again everyone will know who this amazing business person is. And if he actually takes the time to read my blog....and I really hope he does....especially today.......I hope he enjoys this and all my postings. It's the least I can do to help him, his family, and his customers. No charge!!
*** This has been an almost completely unprofessional and malicious blog entry which is almost completely true (but maybe not entirely). Reporting of events was for dramatic purposes only. Any likeness to an owner of an actual flooring store is completely coincidental.....sort of. Thanks for posting your ad. Have a great day!!
-Colleen
(Executive Learning Resource Specialist extraordinaire)
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