Sibling Rivalry?.....Where?

As an only child I felt a little bit overwhelmed at the prospect of having two children of my own. After all how the heck would I manage the inevitable sibling rivalry issues that come up. I try to conjure up how I would do this in an ideal situation. Now add the fact that I am a single parent and neither of my kids are "typical"....whatever that is....and toss all that into the mix. Yah, hmmm. Now what? Do they make a "So you're a single parent (who happened to be an only child) of two kids with statistically unique combinations of disorders who sometimes fight with each other." handbook? Cause if they do let me know where to buy it. I'd be all over that. Until then I feel a little bit like I'm finding my way through the dark.

My only real experience as part of a sibling pairing would be having 5 older boy cousins to "include" me during family holidays. I know what it's like to have one of them bite the bum of my Cabbage Patch Kid and hand it back to me. Thanks cousin Wayne-o. Just saying I didn't really want her back...and yes I still remember 28 years later.....and you better believe I'm still holding a grudge. I also know what it's like to be told "You're too little to do that" by the guys. Finally I was also taught how to sneak extra cookies for my cousins at the family dinners. Let's just say that while I was an only child I did get a flavour for what being part of the sibling pair was all about.

With this limited amount of exposure how do I then use that to navigate raising my own kids in a way that doesn't land one or the other in some sort of therapy? Or better yet doesn't land me in some sort of therapy. I'll admit that at times I feel like I'm getting it all wrong. I know I jump in way too fast. It makes me cringe whenever the kids start fighting about anything. I am completely aware that I do this and that I need to stop so that they learn to work it out themselves. Even though I know this and admit to it I must be doing something right because they actually really like each other for the most part. Maybe that's just luck but I'll take credit for it. I'm all over that. It's totally me!!

Sure Andrew sat on Camryn's head when she was only 2 weeks old. Don't worry she had a nice round head and was fine....see photo below. It's not like they never disagree or threaten to never be the others friend ever, ever again but I'd say they've been best friends pretty much their whole lives.

There is an innocence to their relationship. Maybe it's just the Autism or a combination of personalities but they are not sneaky or manipulative with each other. At least not at a level that other kids their same ages are. I can't remember a single time that they have ever willfully broken the others toy or walked over and push the other or even tried to sneak something out of the other kids room. I assume that by this age most kids are getting kind of savvy and may take something they want from their sibling and hope they don't get caught. My kids will come and ask permission of the other. If the first kid says "no" then there might be some tears and hurt feelings but never retaliation.

The way my kids interact with each other is just different from other siblings that I know. In some ways I'm grateful for this since I don't think I would know what to do if they were being mean to each other and manipulative but on the other hand I am sad that I don't see that at the same time. By these ages you'd expect to see some sophistication in their interactions but we are still dealing with very basic and raw emotions. Grudges in our house rarely last longer than an episode of Sponge Bob. It goes a little something like this: mistake, refused apology, hurt feelings, 23 minutes, and friends again. I've never heard one of them say something to the effect of "Well last time I lent you my toy you didn't take care of it so I don't want to lend it to you again". It's usually long since forgotten about by the next time the issue comes up.

But then there is this internal dilemma I'm having. Do you hope that your kids will fight more? Do you hope that they'll be tricky and nasty to each other? Do you hope they do hold a grudge sometimes? Well yah....I kind of do. You might think that is crazy but you miss it when it's not there. I guess it would be better to say that while I don't really want to see them fight more or in increasingly complex ways it would be nice to see the progression. Andrew and Camryn are kind of stuck at a point where things are very concrete. There is very little room for taking anything into consideration. If one of them had a really bad day and they are tired and sick it's not taken into account by their sibling. It's still a "Well he won't play with me and I want to play with him" followed by tears and hurt feelings. Then 23 minutes later....Voila!! I see glimmers of this starting to appear in Andrew but it is still very hard for either kid to consider the bigger picture. They often allow me to map it out so to speak but I'm not sure that either of them really gets the concept of contributing factors or that certain things need to be kept in mind when they chose how to respond to the situation. Right and wrong are clearly defined. There are very few shades of grey in our house.  

That being said there is still a real sweetness to their relationship. The other day I came upstairs to see them watching a television show that was a bit frightening. It was on a kids channel but had a creepy vampire in it. Camryn was a little scared by it. So this is how I found the two of them.

Okay I'll stop my whining now.