Look who's sleeping now

I've posted before about Camryn's sleepwalking. Andrew sleepwalks as well but he tends to just get up and come to the side of my bed and either stand there starring at me or he will say something I can't understand and go back to bed. Camryn is far more creative. I've discovered her all over the house doing some interesting things. Last night I found her downstairs twice.

The first time she was in the living room. She was crying with socks on her hands. Now sometimes we do put socks on her hands when her skin is really dry. After the cream is on we slip her hands inside to keep the cream from rubbing off. She must have put them on last night in her sleep thinking she needed them. At least I hope so. I can't even imagine any other reason for it. I just take her back to bed and we usually don't see another episode of sleepwalking for weeks.....usually.

The second time she was back down in the living room. I could smell our grape scented detangler on her. She must have stopped at the washroom to spray her hair before coming downstairs again. Not sure why but a girl has to look her best I guess.

Then before bed I checked in on her and she was flopped on the bed as if she had been clubbed from behind falling face first onto the mattress. 

Camryn half on and half off the mattress...with socks still on her hands

A big surprise....she was exhausted this morning. But she smelled like a delicious grape soda. Yum!!

Having a phone is a privilege and not a right

Alright by the end of this blog you will have to decide if I'm an idiot or a genius.

My home was built back in the '70's and so as you can imagine there are some features that aren't really up to code or even practical for that matter. The telephone jack on the main floor is in the wall. There is no phone plate or screws to mount a phone. Just a jack coming out of the wall. So I have a small table below the jack to place my charger for my cordless phone.

So far so good right? Well the only plug in within 10 feet and that doesn't require a cord to go across a doorway or hall is in the stove just around the corner. You know those plug-ins that are right beside the burners? In the 8 years that I have lived here I have avoided any problems with having a phone charger plugged in here. Well not anymore friends.

This is what happens when you aren't paying attention and you turn on the back burner that you haven't used in 8 years.

In my defence I was smart enough to unplug it as soon as it cooled down enough to touch.....which may have led to some of the unusual shaping that occurred. It was pretty soft and gooey. I'm not sure if my cousin Thom who is a fire fighter will be proud that I unplugged it before I started a fire or just shake his head and walk away. If it were me I'd walk away. How ever have I managed to survive this long? Sigh

An alternate universe

I do believe that I must have slipped into another dimension or universe without realizing. My daughter would walk over broken glass for a carb loaded food. But yet for dinner tonight Camryn ate every last bite of her meat....that had a creamy asparagus gravy on it to boot. Like who would have seen that one coming?

And what is even stranger than that.....she took two bites of her mashed potatoes and wouldn't eat the rest. (Insert creepy music here). What the heck is going on?

Exhibit A in the disappearance of my real children. We will refer to this as `Camryn`s plate` your honor.

And for the record my carnivore Drew ate every last bite of his mashed potatoes. Huh?

Noodles: Camryn`s bedtime snack. She`s been returned to me. Phew!!

The Yuck-out factor

I used to work in the restaurant industry. Luckily the places I worked had clean kitchens and dedicated staff. In other words I would have eaten there knowing what it was like. That being said I have seen this kind of sign (below) popping up all over the place lately....

On the paper towel dispenser in the public washroom.

I saw this when I went to a local Starbucks for coffee yesterday. Yes I am the weirdo taking pictures in the bathroom. I have to find my inspiration somewhere.

I would like to start off by saying that I would hope employees didn't need a sign to be compelled to wash their hands. The sign also implies that it is optional for the rest of us. Now let's also assume that there may be some employees who didn't usually wash their hands. Will seeing a sign convince them to change their ways? Sadly, I don't think so. That means that it only serves as a reminder to the customers that Mr. Grubby hands might be serving you a $5 coffee today. Super!! I'm not trying to only pick on Starbucks mind you. I've seen this type of sign at dozens of different franchises.

You also have to love the step by step pictures that help guide you just in case you suddenly forget the steps. It's like you say to yourself "oh soap before washing....and then rinse....who knew?" Really?  I don't even want to think about it. Makes you think twice before being willing to eat or drink at a place doesn't it? Ewwww!!

Love is in the air

So tell me if I'm wrong about this...

The night before Valentine's Day is the one time of your life that you wished your kid wasn't so damn popular. You curse yourself for not starting these impossibly tiny cards a week ago as your child cries that their hand is getting so tired. You just glare at them knowing they've done 3 cards and you've done 30.

Happy post "Hand-cramp day" everybody

What the........?

Both of my kids are taking French in school at the moment. I thought that it might be a good idea to try to expose them to more conversational French in order for them to learn and get better marks. So tonight we watched our DVD of How to Tame Your Dragon set to French instead of the usual English setting.

While the movie was playing I decided to also search the web for fun games for children that would teach French. The very first site I found was this one below. I apologize that some of the images aren't great. I tried to capture the screen but my limited computer skills are shining through.

This one looked intriguing. Kiddies Games? That sounds......Hmmm......no comment.

One of these things is not like the others. Notice what's on the third line? That's right "breastfeeding games". Sounds interesting right? I just had to click it....you know you would have too.

What the hell is this? "Dress the breastfeeding baby"? Have they actually ever tried to nurse a baby? It takes practice and patience. Nobody in their right mind would then try to dress a baby while it was nursing. Those little suckers can bite. And for the record if you did try I promise you it wouldn't be a fun game. More like a whole lot of crying going on. From the mother and the baby. And what is "French dress the breastfeeding baby"? Or "French breastfeeding"? Is that different than other kinds? Those darn French mothers can't just do it the way the rest of us do? Are they too good for us?

For the record I have French in my background. And everybody knows you can make fun of your own people. Vive la France!! Okay....well whatever.

At this point I was very curious to see what these "games" are all about. So of course I click the next link.....

I recognize that this baby may be adopted or this is the wet nurse....but really? I think somebody went and stole themselves a baby. Hmmm. To prove my theory I also found this:

This baby looks a little scared. It's probably saying "Help me, I've been stolen by this Asian lady with the help of that Ginger kid over there". 

I'm all for being inclusive and I absolutely support mother's who want to breastfeed so please don't send me hate mail. I just find this entire site a little bit unusual. Is it just me?

This one time at band camp.....

Today started about as awesome as most of our Mondays. The kids were awake until all hours last night unable to sleep and so this morning was both chaotic and turtle-ish at the same time. I could have lit a fire cracker under my children and I don't think it would have helped. They were just in purposeless morning mode. You know the one where nothing actually gets accomplished even though they are in constant motion.

So by the time I accidentally dumped Andrew's band sheets from his music bag all over the floor I was already a little bit exasperated. That's when one of those lovely notices from the teacher finally surfaced. At the top was "Grade 7 Band Camp". The notice I've been dreading all year. You see last year when Drew was in grade 6 the class went to outdoor school for 3 days. It was a sleep away camp and Drew had never been away from home except for sleeping at his grandparents house. He did okay the first night and then when his best friend Ethan fell apart at dinner on day 2 I got a call from a sobbing Drew. It broke my heart not to drive out and rescue him but I didn't. A huge step for me too. He survived but when he got off the bus he ran and jumped into my arms in the most uncool way for a grade 6-er. He didn't care. That is when he announced that he would never sleep away from home ever again.

That was until he decided to do grade 7 band. I explained to him that all band students would be expected to attend camp. In all honesty I was trying to pursued him not to take band. You see the band teacher and I are hardly friends. I'm not sure when I crapped on her shoe but she has never been nice to me. At band meetings all the other parents rave about her. Umm....hmm. Yah, not getting that. Despite my best efforts to scare Drew away from taking band this year by using his fear of sleep away camp he still wanted to chose it as one of his options. Dammit.

Drew's flute......the bringer of evil

So there I was standing with this band camp notice in my hand and two blurry-eyed children milling about the room. I do a quick scan to see if it can wait. Crap....guess when the mandatory parents meeting for Band Camp was? Last Thursday. Awesome, now I have to reach out and grovel to this women who hates me and probably hates my kid too. Super duper.

So after I dropped Drew off in the front foyer of the school I made my way to the band room. Sure enough she was standing there. She turned and smiled as I came in. I fully expected to see the happy fall off her face....the way it has the last few run-ins...um....I mean meetings we've had. Nope, there she was still smiling. Okay, what the hell? Is the band room booby trapped? Is this an ambush?

So I carefully told her what happened and she was nice, accommodating, and helpful. We chatted about Drew and then it came.....the reason for her sweetness. She asked me to come to Band Camp to help support Drew.

Now I love my kid. I love him a lot. But is there a worse torture than having to attend someone else's band camp? I mean I never took band. And let me take a moment to thank my mother for forbidding me to join band in junior high. At the time I thought maybe she was a bit crazy but now I see the ultimate love of a parent. Such a gift. But never fear. It looks like I'm not missing out after all. So in 4 more weeks I ship out.

You win this one Band teacher.

Well at least he knew to use the bathroom....

This morning I woke up a little early and had to pee. I took a quick peek at the clock and it was 5:00am. I figured if I could just try to get there and back without waking up to much I would likely be able to go back to sleep for another 90 minutes when the alarm was set.

I managed to get down the hall without walking into anything. Perfect. So far so good. I enter the bathroom which is still dark but there is light streaming in through the window from the insanely bright security lights outside so I can see well enough. I noticed something on the floor which my brain in all its groggy glory interprets as fallen leaves. For my long term readers you may recall my adventures in gardening with our spider pant "Charlotte". These "leaves" on the floor are short and a fatter shape than the long thin ones she has. Before too long I realize these can't possibly be Charlotte's leaves fallen on the ground. So what are they?

This is Charlotte

I spend a moment debating whether to turn on the light and wake myself up completely. Of course having a debate about it doesn't help the situation either. So eventually I just flick the light on. Well what do you know? It's poop. Nothing bitch slaps you out of dreamland faster than turds on the floor.

I suspect it was the dog because just two nights ago when I was reading stories to the kids he went into the bathroom and peed against the toilet....must think he's human. Then he proceeded to dig in the cat's liter box and bring one piece of liter coated cat poop into Camryn's room and deposits it on her bed.

Of course I didn't see the dog poop on the bathroom floor last night and he is about the same size as the cats (meaning he'd produce the same size excrement) so unless you can DNA turds then I'll just have to name him my prime suspect.

Looks so innocent....but is he?

Drain Bramage

I got a letter on Friday saying that my doctor had referred me to the Brain Injury Clinic. That's an awesome piece of mail to open up don't yah think? The appointment will take place exactly 16 months to the day of my accident. It's actually scheduled 25 minutes prior to the exact moment......but who's counting?

It's hard to think of yourself as having a brain injury. I guess the idea of your brain as the core of who you really are makes it seem more traumatic say than having a heart problem or a broken leg. I am being sent there because of my ongoing "post concussive" issues. Still dealing with dizziness and headaches. Feeling dazed and tired some days. The good news is while I've continued to trip over objects I couldn't locate in time and space I am thrilled to announce I haven't walked into a wall in months. Woo hoo. I guess this is me getting better! Yay Colleen!!

I'm still hopeful for a full recovery. In my pre-accident days I was fairly active. I played soccer, went skating and swimming with the kids, and generally could get along in the world. I'm getting there. I'm too stubborn not to. Brain Injury Clinic here I come!!

Classroom Superstar

Let me start by saying that I've seen both sides of this fence and so I feel like I can comment on it a little. I mean why not? That's why I have a blog so that I can be opinionated. And here you are stuck reading my drivel. Lucky you!!

Have you ever noticed that there are certain kids who are always chosen for things at school? It's the same select group all the time isn't it? My sweet daughter Camryn basically taught herself to read at the age of about 4. She tends to be a driven child and her older brother Andrew was already in school learning letters and words. She used to beg for me to give her homework too. Learning to read came effortlessly for Cammie and was nothing but fun. Drew had a learning disability and so it was slow going and terribly hard for him.

By the time Camryn entered Kindergarten she was ahead of most of the other children in this area. This made her a natural candidate to read short blurbs at various assemblies and volunteer teas that the school puts on throughout the year. I mean what is more adorable than a 5 year old with ringlets in her hair reading big words while the rest of her classmates pick their noses and lift their dresses up over their heads?

Camryn reading at the volunteer tea in grade 1. She just looks like a star doesn't she?

She also was one of the only kids in her school choir who could belt out a tune and stay on key so she's also gotten to be a bit of a superstar there as well. I have no idea what recessive gene gave her that gift but her dad and I can't sing so don't blame us. All around Camryn has been in the spotlight numerous times at school. Then there is Drew. Not once has he ever been chosen to be the star. He too could sing and keep in key but he doesn't have that so called "X factor" I guess. He's sort of one of those kids that never got to have his moment.

Sure everyone seems to love Drew. His homeroom teacher this year said "If I could have a room full of Drew's that would be the best thing ever". One of his aides says "I love that kid" every time she sees me. A psychologist once told me "He's a once in a career kind of child". It's not for a lack of love that people don't give Drew a chance. It's just that he's not the star.

Camryn also got to present a gift to the school Principal. You can tell how thrilled she is to be touched. Can you say sensory issues?

It may surprise you that I would say it drives me absolutely crazy that Camryn always gets to be the star in her class and in her school. It's not that I don't love to see her shine so brightly because I do. It's just that I know that for every assembly or volunteer tea that there is a Camryn radiating her brilliance that there are also the Drew's of this world that will never get their moment even though they deserve it too. It's the Drew's who need to be celebrated. The Drew's who work 4 times as hard at learning how to read even half as well as the Camryn's ever will have too. It's like praising a lottery winner for being rich and not the guy who worked his butt off to buy a modest little house.

Maybe we need to widen that spotlight a little and focus our attention on the kids left in the shadows. It just might be the only time in their lives that they get to glow a little too.

Cinderella, Cinderella

Recently I've really been thinking about just how much I do around the house. As a single parent there isn't any other grown-up to help lighten the load. I know many couples face the question of how to split the chores up but I don't have that privilege. I'm it!!

And for those of you who think I should just put my children to work....trust me I've already thought of that. However my oldest has Autism. I know most kids can help out much earlier than Drew. It's not as simple as just telling him to take out the garbage for me. Not so long ago he even asked me where we keep the plates. We've lived here for 7 and a half years and the plates are in the same place on the shelf that they have been since day one. Camryn has been assessed for Autism twice. The first time I didn't have confidence that the person who assessed her had enough experience to determine if she did or not. The second one sat on the fence about diagnosing her until an old preschool teacher said things like "oh sure she played pretend with dolls all the time".....which for the record she never did. That kid could care less about dolls. Anyway so as of now she doesn't have Autism but nobody can quite decide what she has. "Is it Autism and we missed it?", "Is it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?", "Is it Anxiety plus a hidden learning disability?". The list goes on and on. The fact is that she's not entirely typical either.

So for some time now I struggled with knowing which chores and at what age will they be able to start really helping. And by really helping I mean not the chores where I have to go back afterwards to redo it kind. Rather the ones where it will legitimately lighten my share of the work.

There are no manuals that I can consult. Other parents of typically developing children have a puke load of books....yes a puke load.....that they can go to for an opinion. There is no manual for Autism. The reason for this is because no two children with Autism are impacted exactly the same way. They may share common characteristics but one might be like Bill Gates and the next like Rain Man. So for parents like me who are raising a child on the Spectrum we are often guessing at just how much our child can do or help out with these kinds of things.

And it's not as easy as finding a chore you think they can do. Oh no, it's not as simple as that....it never is. To assign chores is actually a lot of work for me. There is a considerable period of time I spend teaching Drew the chore. For those of you who might be thinking oh sure I had to spend one or two sessions teaching my child a chore before they could do it try four, five, or six sessions some times. It's not that Andrew isn't bright because he is. He's scored at the 96th percentile for IQ. It's the common sense stuff he struggles with.

Don't get me wrong the kids do help out. They are expected to take their dishes to the kitchen counter, throw their dirty clothes in the hamper.....and our newest project is putting away the clean clothes. I do a ton of laundry and so we have lots of chance to practice this one. Camryn is quite speedy and even has time to reorganize her closet in the process (a favourite past time of hers). Whereas Drew takes forever to do it. The other day I had given them each a small load of clothes to put away. After 10 minutes I came upstairs and found Camryn playing but Drew still working away. He was getting frustrated because the hangers kept falling out of the closet. I couldn't quite understand how this was happening so I asked him to show me what he was doing. I stood there dumb-founded because he was not taking the hanger off the bar but instead was trying to hang the shirt up by placing it on the hanger (while it was still on the bar).

I guess our next lesson will be taking a hanger out from the closet and hanging up the shirt before placing it back in the closet. Is this more of a man thing or an Autism thing? Maybe it's "Mautism"?

It's a miracle

I get asked from time to time why I chose to medicate my son Drew for his AD/HD. Well first because it keeps me sane. I know that sounds selfish but I would be a far worse mother and be drunk in a house dress most of the day if my kids were not on meds for their attention issues. Secondly the research shows that a child with AD/HD is far more likely to have an accident, get in trouble with the law, take illegal drugs, and die (from unnatural causes) without medication to help them focus (and make safe choices). If you've ever seen my children unbridled you would understand. Ultimately I would like them to survive their childhoods.

In fact their second cousin on their dad's side was killed when a car he was working on rolled back and pinned him against another vehicle. He not only had failed to put the car in park but then when it started rolling he tried to hold it rather than getting out of the way. His family was completely against medication. Nobody will know for sure if his attention issues played a roll but I can't help but wonder if they did. It was a terrible loss of a promising young man who was only 17 year old. He had only seconds to decide what to do and he picked the wrong choice. And accidents seem to run in the family. Drew and Camryn's dad rode his bike out into the road and was hit by a car as a child. His brother ran into a car with his bike. His sister's have been in multiple car accidents. All five children in their family have had at least one major run in with the law as teenagers. All of them unmedicated. Frankly I want to avoid that kind of thing altogether for my two children.

Also very important to us is that on top of his attention problems Andrew is diagnosed with Autism, three learning disabilities, and Tourette Syndrome. He also has motor delays. With all of that going on life is hard enough for him. If I can take one of those things away and help make it a little easier why wouldn't I? Giving him one pill in the morning means that he then only has to deal with Autism, Tourette Syndrome, and his learning disabilities each day. I happen to think that is enough. If you think differently that's okay. I won't blast your choice so don't blast mine.

So with all of those obstacles poor Drew has never been able to learn his address or phone number. I started trying when he was about 5 when we moved in here. That was 7 years ago. I either suck at teaching kids their address or he just couldn't learn it. It's my blog so I can pass the buck. He he. We tried and tried but he just couldn't get more that the house number. This presents a major safety issue because if he gets lost he wouldn't be able to find his way home very easily.

So a few months ago I finally broke down and got him a Medic-Alert wrist band so that if he did ever become lost whoever found him would have a place to start and someone would be able to reach me. His Aide was working with him on learning his address before Christmas and he was sometimes getting parts of it but not very reliably. Then tonight Camryn started talking about if she ever had to call 9-1-1 and we talked about what to do and say. Out of the blue Drew adds that she should give them her address and then he says it out loud to both of us.....and it was right. I couldn't believe it. My kid who is 12 and a half has finally learned his address. I almost fell over. That might not seem like a big thing but in our world it's huge.

So now it's settled. We can never move. Ever!!

Shoot me now!!

I keep joking with my physiotherapist Lisa that maybe she just needs to put a pillow over my face and hold it there for a few minutes. Of course this is really just a joke because my spirits have been remarkably good despite my current ordeal. It all stems from my ongoing recovery from my car accident which has been less than smooth or easy. What seemed like a straight forward minor fender bender 13 months ago has led to quite the adventure through the medical system. That adventure is far from over and now I seem to have developed a new problem.

A few weeks ago I thought maybe I was allergic to my fake Christmas tree but as it turns out I am allergic to everything. Okay well maybe not really allergic to everything but something is making my body go insane right now.

Well at least part of my skin isn't red and inflamed. Hooray!!

My wonderful back fat picture. The kids took way worse ones of me but I wasn't posting those on the Internet. You should thank me for that. The white blotchy parts are my actually pasty skin color. Sexy I know.

These photos were taken today, a week after receiving a cortisone shot in my bum.....awesome right? It's supposed to be at full effect by now and last for 6 months. Um....I don't think it's working. If you've never had welts like this then you can't appreciate how horrible they are. If you have then you have my undying sympathy. And if you think Benadryl helps at all think again. I just want to run around the room screaming and slapping myself.

Oh and as a word of warning do not under any circumstances do a Google Image search for welts. Trust me on that one. You think mine are yuck?.....Ewww.

It's good to love your ginch!!

Tonight I made Drew cry about underwear. I didn't mean to. I had noticed that he had been kind of grumbling about the pair he had on all day. So tonight when he took them off I carefully....very carefully.....checked the size on the tag. No wonder. It was a size smaller than all his other stuff. In hindsight I might have kept my evil plan to myself. After all Drew got a little stressed the last time that I tried to throw out one of his socks that had a big hole in it so I should have known it was coming. Really I could have just waited until he went to bed but silly me I tossed the underwear out right in front of him. I mean what kind of monster does that?

Now I will say that kids with Autism can sometimes be very object focused and they can sometimes have unusual attachments to things. But why small underwear and old socks? It's not like Drew would notice any of his old clothes disappearing. He has a love of long sleeved shirts but anyone of them could vanish and he'd never know it.

In the end Drew and I agreed that for tonight I would hang on to his underwear.....not literally mind you....and that I would throw them out at another time and not tell him about it. Oh great now we have to pretend like Underwear-gate never even happened. I don't know if I can go on pretending to have a secret hoard of old underwear stashed somewhere. I mean that's even creepier than actually having a secret stash of old underwear somewhere. Am I right?

 A (not so) Scary Monster. I don't get anything from the sale of these but they are darn cute!!

Allergic to Christmas?....say it isn't so

Several years ago I had an allergic reaction to a (real) Christmas tree. Not the kind of reaction that lands you in the hospital mind you.....just had hives all over my arms from decorating the darn thing. So I got smart and bought a fake tree the next year and that's what we've used ever since. Besides the many benefits of owning a faux Christmas tree is the fact that I won't ever have to worry about having another reaction to tree decorating.


Screech......wait, hold the phone.

This was from putting the tree away today. Isn't plastic supposed to be hypoallergenic? As a kid I was allergic to chocolate, Jello, any kind of pop whose name ended with "cola". Not to mention I was lactose intolerant so that leaves out ice cream and pudding. I've already had my fair share of being allergic to fun. 

So as retribution I chopped that damn tree down and I'm going to leave it on the floor as an example to the other plastic objects in our house. You can't mess with this girl and get away with it!!

Now where the hell is my Benadryl?

Oh Air Miles.....

So I just got an email from Air Miles. For those of you not familiar with this company Air Miles is a way to earn points towards travel and other merchandise simply by shopping at participating stores. In the email they are announcing that after 20 years of being in business they are launching a brand new way to use your points. It's called Air Miles Cash. Hmmm....I like cash. They go on to say that you earn points as always. Okay...I'm with yah so far. Then you can redeem them directly at the retailer (presumably the ones where you can earn the points). The points will count as cash and you get that money off your bill instantly. Great!!

The email says that for every 95 points you redeem you get....wait for it ....$10 off. What??? Ten lousy bucks! It takes me at least a year to earn 95 Air Miles. Most of the places I shop give you one Mile for every $20 spent.....that equals $1900 I have to spend to get $10. Really? That's just over half a percent off? I get a mere 0.52% off for all that loyalty? Not to mention I have to spend more money in order to redeem this lovely prize. Awesome!

Um....Epic fail Air Miles. Epic fail.

Holidays

It has been a very hectic week and a half since I last wrote. And when I say hectic I mean lose your mind busy with bursts of insanity to upset the cart even more. I did manage to scratch off one blog post during that time but just didn't get around to editing it. Oops. Then it didn't seem appropriate to post it on Christmas eve since it has nothing to do with the holidays at all. If does have to do with me embarrassing myself again.....look forward to seeing it in the future. So needing to post something before you all thought I had given up my blog I pulled together this little gem.....it's all I got....

It has been about a year since I seriously started blogging. Really it was my post Tis the season that got me started. If you haven't read it then take a peak. Heck even if you have join the fun. You can see how I get revenge on a bunch of moms that really deserve it. Of course you may think I got the short end of the stick but that's entirely beside the point.

In the year since I started posting I've had almost 4200 page views, been read in 31 countries, and had many adventures. Thank you for sharing part (or all) of this journey with me. I look forward to the upcoming year with you.

While some of my readers may not celebrate Christmas I would still like to extend you seasons greetings. We do not have to share the same traditions or beliefs for me to wish you all peace and joyfulness this upcoming year and for many more to come. Happy holidays from our little family to you.

Dude, I'd like a divorce.....

Many, many years ago when I was still a kid our family sold our house and we moved. Stay with me....it gets better. I have to give you the background or you'd be lost. So we sold our home with a real estate agent. Years later when I was married.....yes, many years later my then husband and I used this same realtor. He was an okay guy albeit a little bit of a feathered hair, creepy mustache kind of guy but passable. We found a place. Great. He later helped us sell that place. There were a few hiccups but in the end all worked out. Super. Okay, so we've established that he used to be a decent real estate agent.

Later when it was time to buy again we called him up. Sure, no problem he says. Then he proceeds to show us a few questionable homes. One was out in a small town near the city. We arrived before he did and found the place locked up and deserted. So we walked around the outside and noticed melted siding on the back. Turns out this house had caught fire at some point and was being restored......but still was in the "needs to be restored" stage. Like what the hell? Why would you show a home that smelled like fire, had severe water damage, and melted siding? This should have been the point that I walked away from this guy but so typical of me to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I mean after all we had known him for years.

Then when it came time to purchase my current home about 7 years ago I put in a call. He seemed happy to help. He showed me a few places that were within my budget. None of them were amazing but at the time I was just coming out of a brutal divorce, had two small children, and a mediocre job. In other words my options weren't great to begin with. I found a place I was willing to bid on. I had seen it in the morning and a few hours later I tried to reach the agent. I say tried to but he didn't return my call until well into the evening. And guess what? By the time he did the place was sold. Okay.....a few days later almost the exact same scenario. Saw a place, a few hours go by and I wanted to bid, left him a message, and it sold before he ever got back to me.....hmmm, missed that one too.

Then by chance there was another condo a few doors down from the one I had just missed out on went on the market. My mom went to scout it out for me and while she was doing that a woman a few doors down from that saw her and mentioned she was about to place her unit on the market. We decided to skip the real estate agent and buy this yet unlisted property. "Bingo. We have a winner!!"

Now this would be a good time to mention that it was likely the crazy family that I now live next door to that prompted so many neighbors to list all at once. Yah, they are spectacularly bad neighbors. Lets just say that for awhile there I was calling 9-1-1 so often I started to recognize the emergency operators by voice. Do I get frequent flyer miles for that? Cause I really think I should.

Anyway, it's been more than 7 years since I moved into this place and I'm still getting phone calls and mail from this real estate agent who completely failed to help me the last time. I would never use him again because I think he sucks donkey butt however I'm just to big of a wuss to tell him to take a hike. It's not like I'm even in the market to sell my place but I really don't want to hear from him again. How does one divorce their real estate agent? Do I lie and say I'm seeing other people? Man, I'm such a big baby....

An upper cut for Christmas

Okay, so I just finished my last post about the awesome swelling from dental surgery last week. If you haven't read it you probably should. This posting will make more sense. The dentist's office told me that I might have a little bit of puffiness afterwords. They didn't tell me I'd look like Frankenstein. For a recap this was how I looked 3 days ago.....

  

And now this is how I look today.....

It's a beaut!! And of course I had to take Andrew to the doctors office today because he is now sick with strep throat. We arrived at the walk in clinic early so that we wouldn't have to wait too long. We were fourth in the line up outside. When they unlocked the doors an elderly man who had been ahead of us took one look at me and insisted that we were seen first. I tried to explain that as bad as I looked we were there for Andrew and not me. He would not let us wait. So even with that there were two other people ahead of us. Two exam rooms were being used. You can do the math. Now being third I assumed we would have a few minutes in the waiting room. The nurse took a look at my face and boom we jumped the cue again. Right into the exam room.

My mouth still hurts like heck and I can't eat or smile properly but damn if this isn't a blessing in disguise. Of course I have to deal with weird looks everywhere I go and I'm sure everyone assumes I was beaten up but I guess if there has to be a silver lining.....

Colleen and the Chipmunks?

A few days ago I had dental surgery. This was a continuation of the process I went through way back in April of this year. You can read about how my dentist also does leg waxing in my post Smile. Yes, I was shocked too. In that post I detail about cracking my tooth some time ago and having to have it removed. Sounds really funny right? Yes a barrel of laughs. So fast forward to now and I went for a dental implant to replace my missing tooth. 

I was in the same surgical suite with the same dentist. Things went a little better this time around and it was a textbook surgery according to the dentist. As I was laying on the table I was informed that he was also doing a bone graft and a sinus lift at the same time. Man, can't I opt for another kind of lift....say an eyebrow lift, tummy tuck, or whatever? Sigh. Oh and guess where they get the bone for the bone graft......cadavers. Yes kids that is dead people....and it's in my mouth. Yummy!! No kisses for me.

Okay, everyone together....  "Ewwww"!!

I'm sure I will learn to live with part of a dead body in my mouth but in the mean time my cheek has been somewhat unhappy. Here is the evolution of my face:

In the car outside the dentist's office. Face still frozen. I look like Jean Chretien.

Still unable to smile properly due to the freezing. The cheek is rebelling...

A little less happy than last time. No there is no acorn in my mouth.

What I looked like this morning. Yes I know I look tired. I dreamt of frantically searching for the acorns I hid in the fall and it kept me from having a good sleep okay?

I'm looking for an agent. I figure I can be in the next Chipmunk movie. I will also need a vocal coach. And a stylist. And a plane ticket to California. Oh, never mind......