Little White Lies

I'd like to start this blog entry with a declaration. I generally think honesty is the best policy. I don't advocate lying to people. It tends to just get you into trouble. But I'll tell you the truth.....I lie sometimes. Not that you should believe me....I just told you I lie. Maybe you're really nice though....of course you are....and you'll cut me some slack just this once. See you're a better person than me already.

I don't lie about my accomplishments or at least I try not to. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not either. I think that if someone is important enough to you that you'd want to impress them then they likely deserve for you to be honest with them. That being the case I have a confession. I've lied to my children. Yes, it's true. The two people that I love more than any other creature on the planet are the victims of my dishonesty. Some of them are pretty innocent like when they were little and I just needed them to get to sleep so I didn't go insane I would skip pages in a story book when they weren't looking. I've slipped vegetables into some of their favorite foods....of course I got caught almost every time. And I keep the best cookies hidden for myself. It's all true. They wouldn't know a good cookie if it bit them on the nose....they're kids. All cookies are great to them.

But today as I took the water tank from Andrews humidifier into the upstairs bathroom to be refilled I was reminded of one of my best and most sneaky deceptions yet. As I walked in I saw Charlotte. Let me explain where Charlotte came from and why she is now entangled in my web of lies. Andrews grade one year is mostly a blur to me. It was a busy year....or at least I assume it must have been because I don't remember very much from it. Of course we got the regular rounds of grade one worksheets and dried macaroni noodles glued in the shape of the number 2. Drew grew out of his new shoes by November and left his coat in the classroom almost everyday. Pretty standard stuff right? Then came Mothers Day. The beginning of the big lie. You might as well start warming up your voices to chant "Liar, liar pants on fire".

Andrew brought home Charlotte in a small painted flower pot. You see Charlotte is a spider plant....or at least she was a spider plant. Rest in peace dear friend. She was fairly new to this word and I imagine her root system wasn't strong enough to survive the Black Thumb also known as "Mom" in our house....me, okay....it was me. I admit it. Poor little thing. Day after day I'd walk into the kitchen and see her slowly withering away as she looked at me in her "Oh please water me" kind of way. Sometimes I'd do it and sometimes I'd forget. Well, mostly I forgot. I didn't mean to neglect her but it happened. That girl hung on for a few months. Every time I'd water her she would rally and perk right back up as if she were saying "I'll be okay. I can just walk it off" (cough, cough, wheeze). I think a part of me thought she was invincible. Truthfully I didn't want her die....especially after Andrew named her. I'd like to say I know where the name Charlotte came from but I don't. To my knowledge he had not heard the story of Charlotte's Web yet. Almost ironic though that our Charlotte would be part of a web too....a giant web of lies. I will point out that we don't own plants for a good reason. Case in point.

One day I went in and she was just laying there in the window sill. A dry, crackly, shrivelled shell of her former self. I knew she was gone. I felt terrible and hid the plant from Andrew thinking he'd probably never notice. After all he was only 6 right? The first day without her in the window went well. He didn't notice. Then on day two as I'm frantically scrambling to get dinner on the table I hear a little voice "Where is Charlotte?". My heart sank. How could I tell this sweet little face that I had murdered his Mothers Day gift to me? Now you may say that it's hardly murder when you accidentally let a plant dry up....or at least that's what I try to tell myself of in order to feel better. However the truth is that I knew she was there and I neglected her most basic needs. So how do I now say to this little guy that something he loves enough to name is dead and hidden under the sink until a suitable spot is found? "I'm not sure honey, I bet she's around here somewhere?" Did I actually say that? "Okay" I hear back.....and now did I also just hear him buy into that totally implausible lie? As if plants just get up and walk around the house only to be found in a sunnier window than you left them? Yes, yes I did just hear him say that. Problem solved right? I bought some time until he forgets about it. Great.

(Buzzer sound) System fail!! The next day. "Where is Charlotte today?" he softly asks again. And then day three, four, and five. The panic sets in. Now what am I going to do? The kid is waiting for her to come back and he's not forgetting. Luckily it was the kids weekend with their dad. That bought me some time to think, plan, and pull off what would become my 5 year deception. It occurred to me to go to the local garden centre and see if I could find a similar type plant. I figured he'll never know if it was something else entirely.....he's only 6 after all. So I hop in my car and head over there bright and early Saturday morning. It was summer so half of those stupid things were in bloom. The other half were so clearly the wrong type of plant I knew he'd figure it out. Some poor 15 year old whose parents probably own the place and make him spend every free moment of his life working there was quite baffled when I complained under my breath "Do all these horrid things have to have flowers already? Yeesh!!" I assume that the lone security guard was probably told to follow me through the store at that point. "Follow that mumbling, flower hating, crazy lady Jim....she might be trouble".

Finally I pass by an aisle I had been down several times but somehow failed to notice the 10 actual spider plants hanging from a beam above. As if the sun came out from behind the clouds I realized that I might actually be able to solve my problem. Now to look for the smallest most spindly looking one they have. It's like going to the SPCA hoping to find a dog with only three legs and Kennel Cough. Yah, I'm sure Jim the security guard had his hand on his can of pocket mace as I paced back and forth looking at all these incredibly robust, healthy plants. "Seriously, why are these all so healthy?" I say. Jim's heart starts pounding faster as he prepares to take me down. I find the smallest one which is at least 20 times bigger than Charlotte. This will never work I think to myself but what choice do I have? It seems even more insane to drive across town in search of a sicker plant to fool a 6 year old. Yah, now I start worrying about how crazy my plan seems. Where was this logic a few hours ago? I have sympathy for all of you who have tried this with a hamster or goldfish.

So Charlotte the sequel came home with me. She was much to big to repot into the original container so I just left her as is in the generic white pot she came in. The next night when Drew came home he saw her and with a hint of glee in his voice he said "Oh Charlotte you grew". I stood there flabbergasted. He's buying it. "Yes, honey, I found her upstairs by the window. She was enjoying the sunshine".  Now I'm just tempting fate. I tell myself to stop talking. He spends about 10 seconds looking her over and then leaves. I'm not sure if I should be relieved or annoyed that he's not throwing me some sort of party to honor all my hard work. Kids I tell you!!

Fast forward 5 years. We still have Charlotte II. She is upstairs in the bathroom hanging from our shower rod. Hey, give me a break. She's still alive so I can't be doing to bad a job. Okay, her pot....the same one she came in has started to crack as she pushes her way out. I noticed that 6 months ago but as always life has been busy. Who am I kidding? I'll probably be shopping for a spider plant this summer. And as I walked in tonight I swear I saw her shaking side to side in a disapproving "I'm so disappointed in you" kind of way. My lie worked but the plant torments me just a little every night. So if I had it to do all over would I?.....HECK YAH!!