The girls guide to avoiding an axe murderer

This blog entry could have just as easily been called "I should have known". I just got back from another interesting first date. I would like to say that I think I have more than my fair share of these. Apparently my perfect match is a man who should be in an orange jump suit with numbers on it....you can decide if it's from a jail or an locked hospital ward. Oh what fun we will have....

As always I am sharing my experience with you so that you will know the telltale signs of Mr. Crazypants early in the evening and can start planning your escape route and a back-up plan if he figures out what you are doing. Colleens special hint: A pen and paper to write a note to the waitress to call for help is always a good idea too.

The signs as I have seen them:

1. He calls to postpone your date by over 3 hours because he had something "really important that suddenly popped up"......this might be something like a World Cup soccer game for instance that has been scheduled for......oh I don't know......like the last 4 years. Those can really creep up on yah when you least expect it. Of course I didn't know that was the reason for delay until I had already arrived....apparently he failed to pick up on the exasperated look on my face as he was informing me of this......yah. Of course your date may have another emergency like having to buy groceries, balance a cheque book, or clean the fish tank....my example is just to give you a very general idea of what sorts of things fall into the category of true emergencies.

Where all great relationships start....apparently

2. He asks you to meet him at a Canadian Tire for your first date. When you insist on meeting him at the restaurant he may seem a little annoyed because he's not done his shopping. This is another great clue that he might not be the One. However you may have driven for an hour to meet him and be hungry. Trust me ladies....don't be fooled. It's not going to get any better once you get there.

3. He's never even heard of Lactose Intolerance and may look overly puzzled by the term. He's even more fascinated by the fact that the restaurant offers selections that are lactose free. "Why on earth would they do that?" he might say to the waitress. This is the Universe tapping you on the shoulder now. Pay attention....the 2x4 is coming if you miss it....followed by the Mac truck.

Danger, Danger

4. He may say that his only allergy is to the sun....because.....wait for it.....wait for it.....he sometimes gets a sun burn if he forgets sunscreen. Believe it!! You read that right my friends. Proud to say that I was able to refrain from suggesting he gets an Epi-pen for his severe allergy. I know....you thought it too didn't you?

5. When asked if he was a good student when he was a kid he replied "What consistutes a "good" student?" using his hands to do quotations in the air? It's small talk buddy......just answer the damn question.

6. He tells you he used to wear a mini-dress before every one of his hockey games because it was good luck. I know I should have left it alone.....but seriously how could I not ask? I just had to know how he discovered it was lucky. He went on to explain that he saw it.....and bought it.....yes....bought it for this purpose. It wasn't just laying around he actually shopped for it. Then after he wore it the first time his team won so he just knew that now he had "a good excuse to wear a mini-dress that nobody could argue with". I kid you not!! Keep in mind this is a first date and I hardly know him. The fun is just beginning.....read on. Beep beep. Mac truck approaching.

7. Moving onto other topics he mentions that he once had a guy break into his house and steal $11, 548 worth of stuff.......I almost asked...."$11, 548 and how much change?" Turns out it was probably good I didn't ask that because he went on to say that he "could have just murdered the guy who did it". While this sounds like a common statement try to imagine it said with a 3 second pause just before the word "murdered" and a sudden change to what could best be described as his crazy-eyed look. But wait.....don't run.....he'll chase you. You need to find a way to back away slowly and seem as unthreatening as possible. This is where the pen and paper comes in handy. Don't get caught writing the note though. It might make him mad enough to..........murder you.

My favourite little monkey and his visit to a hospital. Hopefully one very far away.

8. He works at a hospital even though he "just hates sick people". Again add the 3 second pause before "hates". He goes on to explain that he really likes helping people. Hmmmm.....by putting a pillow over their faces so they stop being sick? Oh, and by the way he knows how many people died at his hospital this month. Okay....running is now warranted. At least there is a chance you might get away.

9. He offers to pay the bill for dinner but says to you "if you want that waitress to get a tip you should probably leave some money for her". Classy!!

Amazingly it wasn't as scary at the time as it sounds....but I think I was in shock. I've dated enough crazy people to confidently say that this one is just reclusive crazy. Besides, if all else fails I can always run outside into the sunshine being that I'm only a little bit allergic to it.