Wishes and stuff....

When I was pregnant with my son Drew about 12 years ago I tried to imagine who this little person would be. Would he have red hair like his great grandfathers on both sides? Would he have crooked toes like me? Or would he be impossibly skinny like his father? We had been told that we might not be able to have a child and were so delighted to find out I was already pregnant when they gave us that news. He seemed like a miracle. I hoped for so many things for him but knew that we had already been given so much. I couldn't have been more grateful or more unaware of the journey we have just begun.

When Andrew was born during a crazy heat wave in 1999 I fell desperately in love with this amazing kid. There was something about him that seemed so unique and wise. He never was like a baby the way most newborns are. He looked like a little old man with crazy blond hair on the sides and bald as ever up top. We called him the mad scientist. He would sit and watch the world in a way that seemed so thoughtful as if he were taking in everything that was going on. If you ask him now he'll tell you he remembers the time before he was born and there is a part of me that believes him. It was like he never missed anything.

"Colleen" you are probably saying to yourself, "All mothers think their child is special". Well my friends you are right. Most mothers do think their children are pretty amazing and they are. But I knew there was something really different about Drew right from the early days. I just didn't know quite what it was. As the years went on we had lots of laughs. That sweet boy of mine would sing the song of "E". What is that you ask? Well the song of E was a haunting tune Drew would sing as he rode in the car or when he saw a fan. We wrote it off as vocal play. Basically he liked to hear his own voice. Who wouldn't? As a toddler he would gladly wander around the yard in his diaper watering every flower until they died from drowning.

By the age of 2 I saw the first glimmers of a skill in language that just 7 years later would be almost untestably high. Andrews fascination with words, how they sounded, and what they meant kept us hopping. Now at age 11 he uses words that I sometimes have to look up in the dictionary but don't tell anybody....especially not him. You may assume that having such a gift means life would have been easy for Drew but that was not always the case. Despite having such a broad vocabulary he was unable to distinguish between his letters in Kindergarten. I, apparently being the only person on the planet who didn't go to Kindergarten had no idea even what it was all about. Take a moment to get over your disbelief. Yes, I never went to Kindergarten and look, I even turned out okay. Well sort of but the way I turned out had absolutely nothing to do with missing that year....at least I don't think it did. So I'm only guessing at what it's all about. I've heard all my friends rave about it and say they loved it and I imagine that the days are filled with blocks and crayons and snack times and magical talking unicorns....I can have unicorns if I want to. So when your sons teacher tells you not to worry that your child thinks train starts with an "s" sound and keys begins with "m" you try to go with it. After all what did I know about it? Later I would learn that Andrew has learning disabilities and with different teaching methods he's been able to minimize their impact. "Phew", that bullet dodged.

So fast forward a few years and he's still struggling so I went in search of some answers. This was not to be a quick, painless, or inexpensive process. I've had to be both the negotiator and the protective Mama bear. Eventually I came upon the answer. It was both shocking and expected at the same time. Are you on the edge of your seat? Anytime some uses the word shocking you sit up just a little more don't you? Oh what could it be?

Our family has joined a club. I know that doesn't sound overly exciting does it? There is no secret handshake or membership dues. No annual general meetings or cards with our photos on them. We certainly aren't unique because about 1 out of every 106 families is in the same club as us. That's almost 1 percent of the population and really makes us very unspecial in the scheme of things don't you think? I'm sorry if our mediocrity disappoints you. We are a part of one of the fast growing trends on the planet. I guess that makes us hip, cool, and with it. So what is the name of this popular club you ask?

Well Andrew has Autism. I'll give you a moment to digest that if you need to. I imagine hearing a few muffled gasps in the audience. For about 95 percent of those of you that know us well you probably fall into the "Holy cow you're kidding me?" group. The other 5 percent are saying "I knew he was different but Holy cow you're kidding me". Drew flies way under the radar which is why it took until 11 years old to be diagnosed with something that is usually picked up by professionals between the ages of 2 and 4. Somehow I feel compelled to tell you that Andrew is considered very high functioning. I'm not sure why that matters but I've noticed that almost everyone with a high functioning kid on the spectrum is quick to point that out. So now I have. There are even different diagnoses on the Spectrum that some how seem cooler than others. I suppose when it comes to parenting almost anything can be a competition right? It's as if we are saying my kid is far less disabled than your kid or at least other kids in general. I guess in the end it really doesn't matter. He's Andrew through and through despite letters after his name.

The degree to which Autism impacts a child varies widely. Drew does most of the things other kids do but there are areas he struggles with. Andrew's bluntness and way of perceiving the world has brought me so many laughs and insight. He does not see the world the same way and when those windows open up I love it. A classic example of this occurred a few years ago. We decided to meet up with one of his former teachers. She was really special to Drew and we thought he'd be surprised. We planned to meet her at the Zoo. He did seem surprised and happy to see her. A few days later Andrew was recounting the story to another person at the school who also knew this teacher. He told this person all about seeing Mrs. S at the Zoo but then in an exasperated tone he continues with "after we said hello she just kept following us around all day long". Obviously he missed the point completely. I love these Drew moments. I've learned you really can't assume anything with him.


Another area his challenges have become apparent are with recognizing people. Last year he routinely missed the bus because as he put it "the bus driver keeps changing his clothes everyday Mom". How can you argue with that? I'm sure he does and if all you notice about someone is their clothes it would be pretty hard to recognize them the next day when you were walking down the row of buses. If you are a fan of the show Big Bang Theory then you'll appreciate that I fully expect Andrew to grow up to be somewhat like the character Sheldon.

There is also a lot of debate about when Autism "happens" to a child. I will not wade into that debate today. I do have opinions of course. As both a mother and as someone who works in the field of child development primarily seeing preschoolers with Autism I probably couldn't avoid forming one even if I tried. However I am not here to sway any ones position. Maybe we are all right or maybe none of us are. I think it's more important to stick together on this one than to chop each others legs off just to be right. In the end I can only speak from my own experience and that is that I knew Andrew was different from the moment he was born. In my heart I don't believe Autism "happened" to Andrew, I think Andrew happened to be Autistic.

I know my life is not exactly on the "So you're having a baby" brochure of things to do and see. You expect the Gerber baby, maybe some Gymboree classes, tears on the first day of school, and eventually Law school (of course) but nobody lines up over night to buy tickets on the Autism express. No need to line up those babies are already in your pocket. What you do with them and how much you enjoy the ride is really up to you. We chose to enjoy it as much as we can.

I won't lie to you it's not all sunshine and roses. We've had tears when I suddenly said "lets go swimming kids" because it wasn't what Andrew expected to happen in his day. For the record he loves swimming but only if he knows we might go in advance. It has changed our lives but our lives didn't change the day the psychologist told me he has Autism. Rather it changed the day he was born. Autism isn't everything Andrew is. He is a person first with hopes and dreams just like any of us. But to wish that he didn't have Autism would be like wishing for another child completely unlike the one you already have. What I wish for is that his Autism won't hold him back in life. I wish that he meets with understanding and acceptance especially when I'm not there to protect him. I wish him a long and happy life filled with a high paying job to support his wonderful mother who so selflessly cared for him all these years. I wish that he always has amazingly quirky friends. There are so many things I want for Drew but I'd never wish for him to be different than he is.

I've thrown my penny into the fountain of life and I got my wish. He may be impossibly skinny with crooked toes but I couldn't love him anymore than I do. Autism, schm-autism!!