It was a relatively minor accident in the scheme of things but due to some ongoing issues I have been undergoing a few tests. Like a weirdo I find the humour in this experience. Now not everyone can be a true weirdo. It takes a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck. To be able to call yourself a weirdo you must first do weirdo things. Let me explain how I came to be in this category. For those of you who are regular readers I'm sure you've already bought into this premise so bare with me as I explain to our new friends. The other day I went to physio and found a jar of bacon bits in my purse. Random right? Okay, I had bought them at one of those stores that asks you if you want a bag for 5 cents. "Of course I want a bag, I have 23 items here". But oops, she forgot to charge me and I guess I failed to notice that my bill was 5 cents less than I expected. She goes on to tell me that she can ring in a bag on a new bill if I'd like. The one day that I don't even have 5 pennies in my wallet of course. I'm seriously not going to use my debit card for one 5 cent bag. The cost of the paper for a new receipt must be at least 5 cents which I'm now saving the store from having to spend by declining this offer so just give me the stupid bag and pretend that I paid for it already! There I am stuffing food in every pocket and of course my purse. Apparently I failed to notice that the bacon was still in there when I went to my appointment later in the day. Honestly how do you forget about bacon? Yes, I am very ashamed of myself okay? So try to imagine the horror as I opened my purse at the physiotherapy clinic to track down a pen and this jar of bacon bits rolls out onto the counter. How do you explain that quickly enough for them to not go for the panic button under the desk? And now I'm the crazy bacon lady. Wonderful. This is not the only weirdo thing I've done, it's just the most recent. They all have perfectly reasonable explanations. Really!! And now I am a certified weirdo. Good now we are all on the same page. Let's continue shall we.
So off for my battery of tests. First I was sent to the eye doctor to rule out of all things retinal detachment. Doesn't that sound like fun? I showed up at the clinic and began all the wonderful tests that someone with a significant phobia of things touching or being near their eyes would L-O-V-E. Did I mention I have such a phobia? The first machine we come to puffs blasts of air at your eyes. Why? Probably because it's fun to freak people out. I bet they video tape it and watch it on their coffee breaks. The woman performing the tests warns me it's coming and I swear there is a 2 minute delay as I sit and anticipate the blast of air on to my eyeball. Just when I'm so anxious I want to vomit I feel the blast. Oh goody one eye done. Please tell me we get to do that again. We do? Fantastic!! I white knuckle it and make it through. Then she has me move to the next machine where they tell you to press the lever every time you see the squiggly lines on the screen. I sit there for what seems like an eternity. Is she kidding me? I don`t see any stupid lines already. What kind of sick joke is this? Great maybe I`m actually going blind. Nope she tells me don't worry about it. After telling me I should be seeing something she casually tells me not to worry about it. Right. Mind games I tell you!! As an added bonus I`m still nauseated from the last test so that the knots forming in my stomach have something to work with. Finally I`m given the great news. Next are eye drops!! Wow it's my lucky day. She comes at me with that little white bottle and it`s everything I have not to kick her in the shin and run out of the office. Blah. "Hold on Colleen. Get a grip. You can do this." After all your retinas could be ripped out of the place they are supposed to be and it might be good to know about it. So I hold on tight and try not to bite this lady who I`m sure in some sick way is trying to help me.
You may know these drops. They are the ones that make you look like a drugged marsupial. With my pupils as big as saucers and blind to anything closer than 5 feet away I wait for the next round of fun to begin. We are having fun right? After a retinal photograph the doctor tells me that my eyes are intact save for being a little shaken up and cloudy. Sounds like a play on a James Bond movie. "Shaken, not stirred". The mere thought of my shaken eyeballs makes me feel sooo much less queasy than before. Fabulous. Yikes. Oh and did I mention that it won't get better but the super news is that at some point I won't notice it anymore. Phew!! And here I thought I had a real problem. I know, I know my eyes could be falling apart right? It's all good.
Next is the spinal x-ray to make sure I didn't crack a vertebrae. Did they notice I'm walking around and not complaining of bones sticking out in places they shouldn't be? Maybe I should say something. Oh but wouldn't it be more fun to try to get my life time maximum of radiation with another x-ray? I show up for this procedure and am quickly guided to a room with a pile of paper towels and instructed to put one on. Of course they call them "gowns" in this clinic but we all know what they really are. Each one comes with a 6 inch ribbon of plastic which they call a "belt". Okay, I'm not that big of an idiot. This belt wouldn't fit around a newborn and they think I can wrap it around this post baby belly? Seriously? If it can't fit around the baby how do they think it will fit around something big enough to hold said baby? I decide to forgo this mockery and just hold the stylish garment shut myself. The best thing I can say about this so called gown is that it has lots of fiber. I bet that means it's good for my health. Look at me getting more fiber in my life and taking care of myself. I'm good at this. So the technician comes back and questions my failure to utilize the belt. I imagine I raised one eyebrow in some sort of "Are you intoxicated?" look. She grabs it off the bench and stretches this 6 inch thing into a reasonable facsimile of a belt. I knew that. I totally knew that!! Now I feel a little bad for looking at her funny. I blame it on the excess fibre I'm now getting. I think it's making me irritable. I wrap the belt around my waist and proceed with the x-ray.
Luckily I hadn't done any major damage to my bones so I was off for my next adventure in health care. The CT scan. If you ever need to go for a CT scan take my advise and don't Google it before hand. If you want to be freaked out then be my guest. I'm pretty sure that regardless if they detect any brain damage from the accident that they likely caused more in the process. It's probably best not to know what they will be doing to your long term health. I will say that I do not have the results of my scan yet. I am a little bit worried that they may come back and tell me that they know I'm a weirdo though. I bet they can see all the little thought bubbles and the wacky ideas that leap about inside my brain like a drunk frog. Okay, I can't say I really know what a drunk frog looks like but stay with me here.
I arrive for my test and am directed to wait in the "F" section of the hall. I was thinking I bet "F" is for fantastic. They took one look at me and knew that I belonged there. Those people are so nice to say such wonderful things about me. When I'm done my delusion I proceed along the hall until I find this area. There is only one woman in this entire section. I sit down in a chair across from her. She is wearing a leather skirt and top that barely contain the parts of her that I'm pretty sure should be contained. I didn't know this was a black tie event. Damn I'm seriously under dressed in my t-shirt and One Tooth yoga pants. I sit there self consciously for a moment until I hear a squeak. Was that a mouse? Then I notice this woman shifting in her chair. As she crosses and uncrosses her legs I can hear her leather skirt make this wretched noise like a sad little rodent. Awesome. I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen. I try to act like I don't notice but we are the only two people anywhere within sight. It's like trying to ignore a loud fart in an elevator. I vote to go with the crowd mentality and pretend that it didn't happen and I certainly didn't notice it either. Now I have to pretend there's a crowd here too. Great. Look away Colleen.
Finally I'm called in for my scan. Big sigh of relief. I walk into the large over sized room and have an instant flash back to the book Curious George Goes to the Hospital by Margaret and H.A. Rey. I can't explain exactly why but I love that book even to this day. This room suddenly fills me with a warm feeling from my childhood and any nervousness melts away. I assume this hospital is monkey-free so what could possibly go wrong in a room like this? The hallway had been stark and quiet except for a loud squeak that really needs to be dealt with. This room was bright blue and full of smiling staff and fancy equipment. I'm directed into position on the table and get my head strapped in. I'm moved into position inside the scanner. As I lay there waiting for the procedure to begin I see a thin glass window with a tiny sign positioned right above my head. I squint my eyes to see the words which are upside down from my position. I start reading. It says "Laser Aperture: Do not look directly into beam". Great planning. Let's draw peoples attention to the spot they aren't supposed to look at just before we fry their retinas....providing those retinas aren't already detached. Brilliant!! I start laughing.
The technician comes back with a worried look on her face and asks if everything is okay. Great, I'm really breaking out of the crazy bacon lady image I've created for myself. Super. Now I'm laughing because my eyes were almost cooked by a laser beam? That screams stable doesn't it? I thought I better write this blog before the men in white coats show up at my door in the morning. Please send me cookies and other yummy treats while I "rest" in my padded room for awhile. Please no bacon though. I already have some in my purse.
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