Things I wouldn't know otherwise

I have recently come to realize that there are so many things I have learned because of parenthood and pet ownership that I would never have discovered otherwise. I had a light bulb moment this afternoon while cleaning the house. My place has been somewhat neglected over recent months as we battled every cold and flu bug the world could throw at us. Let's just say we probably kept the walk-in clinic and neighborhood pharmacy in business. Anyway, I finally got the cleaning bug today which rarely happens at the best of times but it is spring and so I got down to it.


I did the usual dusting, vacuuming, and tidying type stuff. As I neared the kitchen area I was oblivious to the treasure awaiting me. I've had a box of coolers on the floor for some time now. I had drank one probably about a year ago and discovered it had a flavour that was not appealing to me personally but being frugal decided it made sense to keep these coolers in case someone pops over and really wanted something other than strawberry milk. Well the dust settled in on this poor box of wild berry coolers. I guess nobody wanted to come over last year for coolers and a helping of H1N1. You people are so fickle. Anyway, today I decided it was time to get rid of these things once and for all. I bent down to pick this box up when I hear "rip". The bottom of the box had stuck to the floor and tore right off. What you ask could this box ripping, super glue substance be? Turns out it was dog urine people!! I told you he pees and I don't know about it. I now have proof. I am not sure how many moons ago the dog must have peed on this box but it was now firmly stuck to my hardwood floor. Sigh. The dog of course comes over to inspect with his little tail wagging. He looks at me like "Whose a good boy? Bark. I am!! Rub my belly....pleeeease!!" Given how long ago this must have occurred I decide there is no point in even thinking about yelling at him for it. He's just so thrilled I'm looking at him and he nuzzles in for a cuddle. Sigh again.




So I get busy cleaning this super substance while I grumble about getting thrown off track with my other cleaning. I'm certain to run out of steam now before I complete the tasks that I went in knowing about, let alone the ones that just spring up on you when you are on a roll. The first layer is mostly a cardboard like substance that comes off fairly easily. I pat myself on the back. This is going well and I should be done in no time. Phew!! The second layer appears to be some other type of colored paper and with a bit of scrubbing comes off without too much trouble as well. Wow. The third layer is an almost indescribable substance. It looks like someone took a layer of white paint and slopped it on the floor. Not just regular white paint but melamine. For those of you who aren't familiar with melamine paint it is basically a liquid plastic version of paint that sticks like nothing you can imagine. And now it's on my hardwood. Or at least a reasonable impersonation of it is.


I first discovered melamine when I bought a house with painted tile counter tops. Now I didn't buy the place because of this feature. I know what you're thinking. Who the heck wouldn't want white painted tile counters in a kitchen? Me that's who!! I thought it was kind of a weird thing to do but everything else about the place worked and was a good price. My then husband and I figured we would be able to remove the paint and save the counter tops. If you are thinking "Were you drunk Colleen?" then you are clearly familiar with melamine paint. We worked on that counter top for weeks and weeks to remove the paint. I'm talking paint removers that could kill you, sanders that wore down, chisels that just cracked the tile but didn't remove this paint, and a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears.....not necessarily in that order. More like sweat, tears, blood, tears, sweat, blood, tears and then some cursing. Lots of cursing at the end. Finally we just said screw it and repainted the stupid melamine back on. Awesome right? If you can't beat 'em then throw your hands up and invite them in for coffee.



So to find this type of substance today as the third layer stuck to my hardwood floor I just about cried. Okay, I didn't almost cry but I probably said some bad words. Yes, yes I did say some very bad words. So sue me!! I started scrubbing. Eventually to my surprise the stuff started to lift away. Hooray I was thinking this is a Christmas miracle. I know it's almost June, but I can have a Christmas miracle in May if I want to okay. After another 30 minutes of full out scrubbing I get almost all the white paint off the floor. So what do you think I find underneath? Polished hardwood. Nope. Money? Dream on. Willy Wonkas Golden Ticket? Guess again. I find a damn bar code. Yes, a bar code on the floor. The ink beautifully imprinted into the wood. Do you think I can get that sucker off? Nope. It's on the floor and I'm pretty sure it's permanent. Is this a sick joke? I overcame melamine!! The substance that can not be removed. I conquered that to be stopped by stupid little lines? Grrr. That is like thinking you've climbed Everest. You scream "Woo hoo, I conquered Everest" when your guide says...."Um, you wanted Everest? Dude, I'm so sorry, I thought you said Mount Avarest. My bad. Guess you're all disappointed and stuff, hey? Wow, that would have been really cool to have climbed Everest don't you think?"And all you want to do is punch him in the face but you don't because it won't mean you climbed the right mountain anyway. Sigh.


Okay, for those of you just joining us here's my little story again. I get this really cute dog and he's all loving and stuff. I buy some coolers that look really great but end up not being my favourite kind. The people who make these coolers opted against regular cardboard for the boxes and instead decided to make it all fancy and stuff. Who wouldn't? I leave the coolers on the floor and the dog pees on them. Didn't notice for a long time. Whoops. Find 237 layers of fancy stuff stuck to my floor. No big deal right? WRONG. I work really hard removing layers and think, wow a cooler would be great right about now. But wait, the dog peed on them and maybe I don't really want one after all. Besides they tasted yucky even without the dog pee so now I really don't think it's what I want. It sinks in that my reward for working so hard is a bar code. Wow, that wasn't on my gift registry at all!! Who asks for that. Okay maybe somebody would but not anyone normal. Seriously. I swear lots but my kids weren't home so only the dog hears it as I rub his belly so it's not that bad. Then I realize I did gain valuable wisdom that one could not have unless they lived through this experience...or know someone who writes blogs about this kind of thing. So now we all know that dog pee mixed with plastic paint (aka crazy, sticky, plastic, probably causes cancer stuff) and bar code ink will ruin your hard wood floors. Of course shouldn't we have just know this anyway? Sigh.