A decade and a bit later....

I just read another blog that touched me deeply. It was written by a dad whose second son was born the morning of September 11, 2001. You can link to it here. I found it very touching.

It gave me goose bumps as he described what it was like to welcome a child on the day that most people think changed the world and will forever be associated with war, profound grief, and sheer terror. It made me think about my own September 11th moment surrounding my second child, Camryn.

Just a few days before that fateful day I had blissfully been watching my first born, Drew. He was an energetic 2 year old at the time and I was just over 3 months pregnant. I had been feeling relieved that I had made it through those scary first few weeks of pregnancy when miscarriages are the most likely. Life was good and we were enjoying a wonderful day. Sun streamed through the window as Drew played happily on the warmed, wooden floor of our master bedroom. I was folding his freshly washed laundry marvelling at how such a little boy could have such humongous feet. I blame his father for that one. For that short time the world seemed in balance. It was just a few moments later that I realized I had started bleeding. Although I had had some light bleeding during my pregnancy with Drew it had been much earlier in the pregnancy and not nearly as much. 

My heart sank and I quickly rushed to the phone. I remember Drew's sweet little voice in the background as he played unfazed by my sudden action. I tried desperately to flip through the pages of my address book and my hands were shaking as I dialed the number for our midwives. I remember them instructing me that I couldn't stop a miscarriage at this point and that if it was happening there was nothing anybody could really do about it. I'm sure they said something soothing to me but I don't remember any of it. It was like tunnel vision and all I could focus on was that I might be losing her. I can recall the horror that this once perfect day was now a nightmare. I wanted so desperately to do something, anything to make this go away and no happen to me.

My midwives called back in a few hours to see how I was doing. The panic had stopped and I just laid in bed and cried. They had scheduled me for an ultrasound two days later at 10:30am on September 11th. I can still recall the exact appointment time because that is the only thing I thought about for the next 48 hours. To make matters worse my then husband had been scheduled to fly out of town on September 10th. He was working as a medic in the oilfields and would be out in the middle of nowhere without a phone. I had to do this without him. I remember feeling hurt and betrayed by him leaving but in reality we didn't really have the option of turning down a whole month's worth of income. It was with a heavy heart that I drove him to the airport.

The morning of the 11th I woke up early. The truth was that I had hardly slept for 2 days and so I was up at the crack of dawn with Drew. He being his sweet little self was happy to sit and watch cartoons on our local preschool television channel as I ran around getting ready for my appointment.

I would have normally watched the news in the morning but was completely disinterested in anything remotely "real". I was numb and didn't want to hear about the latest person being released from prison or how many car crashes had happened over night. I just wanted to get to the appointment and find out if my baby was still alive.

It was finally time to leave. With a sense of dread I strapped Drew into his car seat and we started on our way. I remember the announcers on the radio talking about a bad plane crash in New York and how a second plane had hit the Towers. It didn't register in my distracted brain that the world had just changed forever. At that moment I didn't get it at all.

I arrived at the appointment and to my utter relief Camryn was still doing well inside my tummy. Whatever had happened hadn't harmed her and it was like the world suddenly had color again. I sat in amazement watching this little heart beat fluttering in the hazy blur of the ultrasound screen. I've never felt such relief in my life. My baby was okay. I hadn't expected that and it was a joyful moment. 

How I felt after the good news

 As the day unfolded I became acutely aware of what was happening in the world. Once again I felt such loss and grief. I thought how can I bring a baby into a world like this? How do I raise Drew and this tiny little baby in such chaos? My mind swirled. I felt so sad for this new little life inside of me to come into a place where anybody could hate someone else so much. I felt guilty that I might never be able to give my children a peaceful and blissfully ignorant childhood. Would I have to talk to them about hiding under their desks when the air sirens blare out or what it meant to be at war? I hoped not.

It was a day of mixed emotions. I didn't know quite how to feel. Joy or sadness? Relief or terror?

And now Camryn's turning 10 in just a few weeks. I can't imagine my life without her in it. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.

A funny girl right from the start

For me September 11th, 2001 was one of the best days of my life but yet it had such a profound impact on me too. I long for a day that our children could grow up innocent and not have to be surrounded by the evil in the world. But then I just take a look at her lovely, little face and realize that there is such wonder and goodness in this world too. I sure do love that kid.  

To read the blog that inspired this post here is the link again: Becoming a Dad On 9/11