The tooth fairy files a grievance

Dear Colleen, Drew, and Camryn,

I hereby am giving you notice that I am filing an official complaint against your family. In the last 7 days I have been to your house to retrieve 4 teeth. Yes, count them....1...2...3...4 teeth. You have to be serious. Who do you think I am? Peter Pan? I have a family I could be spending time with you know. I can't just be out 4 nights a week picking up teeth from you as if I don't have to fly my kids to soccer practice or go to fairy parent-teacher interviews. Camryn losing 3 baby teeth and then Drew losing one as well. All within 7 days. Sheesh!!

I am overworked and underpaid. I'm going broke you know!! If I have to dig through my change purse and fly all the way to your house carrying another loonie or toonie.....and given how tiny my wings are. I mean come on!!

I insist on more holidays between visits. Maybe even save up and I can pick them up all at once. I would also like benefits so that I can get a massage or some chiropractic care every now and then. Okay I admit when both kids lost teeth on the same day I got to do the two teeth in one night....but it was already my third visit that week. Then I just had to carry two coins at once so it really didn't make it any easier for me. I have strained a wing and do you even care?

As I am now on short term disability due to my chronic wing condition you may not be seeing me for awhile. In the mean time the Easter Bunny has agreed to fill in for me. I suggest that you leave out some carrots for him though. The last family that forgot found a little pile of bunny droppings by the bed. I'm just letting you know.

The tooth fairy

CT scan - part deux

For those of you who have put up with my blog for months now.....and I love you all for it.....you'll know that I went for a head CT scan way back in February. This was after my car accident. Then I had a bought of severe stomach pain this summer. My doctor wanted me to go for a stomach CT scan. She assured me that it is very important and the risk of cancer that these machines are associated with is only theoretical and worth the risk.....well unless I actually develop cancer that is.....but she feels that there is enough benefit to figuring out what is going on. Again I made the mistake of looking to Google for answers. I have to stop doing that.
I found out that the most likely causes of my stomach pain could be:

1) Cancer....maybe this cancer and the cancer I would develop from getting the CT scan can fight each other in a no holds barred grudge match. I imagine that both would be in little cancer shaped unitards. Okay. I know that's highly implausible but it could happen!!

2) A twisted intestine. That sounds like a ball of fun doesn't it?

3) A hernia that has pinched my intestine. Great....two problems in one. Go big or go home people!!

So off I went for my second CT scan in 6 months. The first one as you may recall from my post which chronicled my health care adventure was in a hospital. The second one was in a facility that once was a hospital but is now a diagnostic centre. Apparently the difference is that one will cure you of cancer and the other causes it.....or so I assume given all the radioactive signs in a diagnostic centre. At the clinic they hand you 3 jugs of liquid that contains contrast dye. The liquid looks like water and has a slightly weak sugary flavour to it but don't be fooled. The second you take a gulp of this luke warm drink you'll realize that it's thicker than water and has what the nurse described as a viscous texture to it. For those of you who are having trouble imagining this try thinking about having to drink warm, sweet flavoured mucous. I know.....you're thinking what I was thinking. "Sign me up!!"

And try to remember that there are 3 of these jugs to get down. One every 15 minutes. I think the assumption is that you'll chug the first down, wait 15 minutes, and then repeat. Well after getting done the first round of deliciousness I looked up at the clock and had exactly 2 minutes before round 2. Luckily I had someone else next to me drinking the same vile scum. His gagging and my gagging was super fun entertainment for the rest of the waiting room. The lady across from me was doing everything she could to push her gags back down. She wasn't drinking along with us but I could tell from the pale green color of her skin that she was really jealous that her doctor just sent her for an MRI and not a stomach CT like us.

My sexy garb that really is "one size fits all"

After my 45 minutes of fun times the nurse came and got me. Oh boy now we get to change into a robe that shows my bum. Who knew how great this would be? Of course by that point I probably would have walked through the waiting room naked just to skip the process. I get hooked up to the IV before the test began. I would guess that most people only need one attempt to get the needle in. It took 2 nurses and 3 jabs to get it in. "Is it somebody's first day?" Ouch. On a side note the bruises were spectacular and I had a rainbow of beautiful reds, purples, browns, and greens to enjoy for the next 12 days. It was like having mood arms that change color. Awesome.

After the blood letting ceremony

So just before the nurses step behind the glass they explain that when the dye goes into my arm I will feel it move through my system and within seconds it will probably feel like I peed my pants. Could this get any better? Woo hoo!! So the machine starts and I hear a flurry of humming and gears whizzing around. The table moves me in and out of the scanner. I keep waiting to wet myself but nothing happens. Then the test abruptly stops. The first nurse returns and explains that the IV with the dye broke open and all the dye has spilled onto the floor. This was a radioactive dye that has to be special ordered and each order has to be approved by the government. Dye that I had to wait 5 weeks for. And now it's on the floor. It takes about 10 minutes to reset the machine so I get hooked up again. Now I have waves of guilt because I'm stealing the pee your pants dye from somebody else's special order. That's right. Two times the fun and radiation exposure for me today. And someone else is missing out on wetting themselves. To that person I send my sincere apologies.

Once everything is ready to go again I hear the now familiar hum and like a super lame ride at a shopping centre carnival I'm off into the machine again. I feel that wonderful, warm sensation. Wow! What a day and it's only 9:45 am. With that they release me back into the wild where I will glow in the dark for the next few days. All I have now is my sweet memories of a day well spent.

Four eyes and a brace face....what could be cooler?

Several weeks ago the kids went for their (almost) annual eye exam. I say almost because we kind of forgot and ended up being closer to a year and a half but we got our butts in there. Yeah us!!

The first tests for Camryn came back and indicated that she needed to have a special kind of vision test which required eye drops that diminish her ability to see up close for 24 hours. Awesome. Just what I love is eye drops and eye balls. Yuck. You may enjoy reading my previous post Bacon: A Cautionary Tale to discover just how much fun you can have at the eye doctor.

As you can see from the photo above Camryn has gotten glasses. She was really hoping for them so it was good news for her. I was just glad that they were on sale. Unfortunately she is also getting a retainer in a few months. Of course she is thrilled about that too. I can't say I really understand her enthusiasm. Camryn was even hoping for head gear with her dental work. Yes, you read that right. Where did I go wrong? Sigh.

Freaky Suduko

It's been a few years since I discovered Andrew's amazing talent for words. He was almost nine and a half when the psychologist had tested him as part of his psycho-educational assessment. At the time Drew was scoring above a 28 year old age equivalent in some select language abilities. Specifically the abilities to recognize and define words. With some excitement the psychologist talked about how Andrew had hit the ceiling of the test and what a remarkable skill that was.

Since he was a toddler I knew he had an interest in what words meant. Long before he was even out of diapers he wanted me to define every new word he heard. And the coolest part was that he would not only be able to then use the word correctly but he could also define it back to you.

So now that his sister Camryn has reached 9 and a half I think I've accidentally discovered her unique talent. I should start by saying that during her recent assessments for Autism the psychologist also tested Camryn's school abilities. She has never struggled the way Andrew did academically but I didn't want to miss anything since Drew has 3 learning disabilities and I'm pretty sure I have one myself. So just to be sure I wasn't missing anything I asked that Camryn get checked too. During the test Camryn was able to complete block designs that are usually meant for 16 year olds. They we quite complex and although she took her time she was able to do them with relative ease. So whatever spacial skill that is seemed to be her talent. Yeah Cam!!

Fast forward a couple months and I think we've discovered her real party trick. Suduko!! Let me explain. Our whole family likes Suduko puzzles. Several months ago Camryn got started on a Suduko puzzle in one of my mom's puzzle books but she must have been interrupted. It sat unfinished for months. It wasn't until last weekend that any of us saw this attempt of Camryn's. She had completed one line top to bottom of the puzzle with no other numbers filled in anywhere else in the puzzle except the ones that the puzzle makers give you to get you started. Once it was found my mom completed the puzzle using Camryn's numbers just to see if she was right. Low and behold she was. We asked her about it and she said she just started at one end of the line and filled each subsequent space in with the correct number. All the while not making any notes of possible number options and never being taught how to play.

All the talk about the subject today seemed to reawaken this interest and so Camryn started on a new puzzle tonight. Again she tackled it in the same fashion by starting at the top left square, following the left most edge, the bottom most edge and then the outer right hand edge. No notes, and to my knowledge never being taught any strategies for solving these. In chatting with both my parents and Drew all of us solve these by tackling the puzzle as a whole entity, using a variety of strategies to narrow down possible numbers for each box until we are done. I have no idea how Camryn is doing this and as of yet she seems unable to fully explain her very fascinating take on Suduko. More power to you and your amazing brain my darling!! You blow me away.

Spraying for kids

Alright. I know this blog is going to tick off some people. Here we go....

There is a new trend out there where business owners are banning all children from their establishments. While I'm the first one on the band wagon to have a kid free night and get refreshed and rejuvenated so that I can come home and be a better Mom.....if that is even possible. Colleen pat's herself on the back. It's usually not other peoples children who bother me and that I need a break from. I love my kids but it's also nice to have some time away too.

In watching the interviews with the supporters of this ban I started to notice a trend. Without fail the people who supported it said things like "I'm tired of parents who won't take their crying kid out of the movie". Okay so let me get this straight. You are actually tired of jerk face parents then and not the kids themselves. Then ban a-holes who don't care about anyone else's right to enjoy something. I'm with yah on that one sista.

The other argument was that they wanted to be able to go out for something like a "girls night" and not have to be surrounded by children. Hello? You already had child free options. They are called lounges, bars, pubs, and night clubs......or even.....wait for it.....your own house. Voila.

Let's face it people. If you chose to be childless yourself good on you. Far better to not have kids of your own if you aren't prepared to take care of them. I love you all the more for that. However society is about interacting with other people. If you chose to live in a city, town, or even the smallest hamlet chance are good that you will encounter the offspring of other people. It's called life. If you don't like it then guess what? There is a nice cabin in the woods you can live in so that you never have to see anyone.

It's not kids that are the problem. If those kids wanted to be poopy pants and snot-nosed they wouldn't be crying. The real problem is the self centred people who don't care about anyone but themselves. Who think they are the only ones who might enjoy a night out. And that goes for both the parents who refuse to step outside for a minute when their kids are crying in a movie as well as the childless faction that wants to ban all children from everywhere but McDonalds. I don't like either of you quite frankly. You are too spoiled for my taste.

Besides it's all those poopy pants, snotty nosed, crying kids who will be wiping your butt one day when you are too old to do it yourself. Chew on that for a bit.

Apple bytes....

In addition to Autism Andrew also has three learning disabilities. One of those has to do with writing. More specifically his physical ability to write. Everything from the way he holds his pencil, to his ability to form letters, and even how long his muscles work before they become so fatigued he can't do it anymore. Of course we are still trying to sort out why this is. In the early spring we had our first visit with the neurologist and while we have ruled out Becker's Muscular Dystrophy as the cause there are about 4 bazillion other things still on the table. Okay well maybe not that many but it feels like it.

In the meantime we had to figure something else out because he's just entering Junior High and his need to take notes has just become more important. So we got him a laptop. The school uses Apple products and so he got a Mac. Now Mac's are way more expensive than PC's. I could have gone with the cheaper option but thought the Mac would be a better long term choice for him.

Imagine my sticker shock when I went back into the store after purchase to see what their options were for laptop cases. For the record Drew got their very smallest computer the 11 inch Macbook Air. I picked out a plastic cover and expected to pay for quality but imagine my surprise when I went to the till and found out that this clear plastic molded cover without even the Apple name or logo anywhere on it....including in the fine print.....was $59.95. Yes, that's right plastic that might cost one dollar to make and let's say two dollars to ship is priced at almost $60. And for those of you who think that maybe it has some sort of special ability to absorb shocks and bumps....well....think again. I mean it probably does it as well as any clear plastic laptop cover might but for that price shouldn't it at least do something amazing? Yah, I thought so too.

Can you see the cover?....no I can't see the cover?....

Oh look, there it is. You can see the little dots in the corners. Wow, what a feature!!

So how sorry do you feel for the shareholders of Apple after the stock took a dip when Steve Jobs announced he was stepping down the other week? They can use their 2000% mark up to buy themselves an ice cream to feel better. Poor things.

A letter

Dear Fall,

You and your beautiful colours and yummy harvested foods. You really think you're all that don't you? Well I'm onto you. I see you sneaking up on us disguised as "September". We all know it's you and let me just say you are not welcome here.

Truthfully I don't know why people think you're so great anyway. You bring back the early morning lunch making, parent teacher interviews, shorter days, and the end of summer vacations. As if all that wasn't bad enough but you need to go and do this to us too?

Ah those August leaves.....

It's only August you heartless bitch. Seriously you couldn't just wait another month to prance around? Everyone knows you are just a cascade into misery anyway. Oh yes you are!!

The next time that you say hello to me I'm going to keep on walking. Walking towards my new best friend Winter. That's right.....I now like her better than you. Suck it!!

Crying over new school clothes

Just days away from the start of the new school year and we are riding the emotional roller coaster. Whee!!

Both kids are a little bit anxious about school as they always are. Neither does well with any kind of transition even good ones so starting a new school year brings new routines, new desks, new teachers, and new school clothes. Thank goodness both kids backpacks were in good shape and can be used again. Like when does that ever happen? Usually I'm doing the first bag replacement by about December and then duct tape the suckers together to last until the end of June. This year the kids get to keep their bags so at least that is one less change they have to get used to.

Now for those of you who don't have a child with Autism and you are lucky enough that if on the hottest damn day of the year you said "hey kids lets go for ice cream" and you're kids don't cry and freak out then be happy. When I say that my kids hate change I mean it is brutal for them. They don't mean to cause a fuss but it's just one of those things that is very difficult for them. So it's a really big deal to keep the backpacks. Yeah backpacks!!

Normally I try not to go overboard with the new clothes because it's just one more change for them to get used to. However both kids have grown quite a bit and new clothes were in order. I've learned not to bring the kids for back to school shopping. I just hope for the best when it comes to picking out styles and sizes. To their credit they did try to act excited about them as they looked up over their video game playing. Sigh.

So while I was smart enough to just buy the clothes when they weren't around apparently I'm not smart enough to try to clear some of their outgrown clothes from their closets when they are gone too. Drew of course still liked every single shirt in his closet and wanted to keep them. This despite the fact that he has about 3 favourite shirts and rarely wears anything else. At first I thought I was making some progress with Camryn's clothes because she happily told me that this shirt was too small and that one isn't her style anymore. We were able to pull out about 10 tops. Then the tears started and she sobbed about not having those clothes in her closet because she loved all of them. So we started hanging them up again. Sigh.

Maybe some of their clothes will magically disappear the next time they go to their dads house. I never learn.....

Be careful what you wish for or you just might have to clean the house

So after months of waiting I finally got the call that there is a developmental aide available to work with Andrew. Okay, well that makes it sound so easy. Like I was sitting around one day eating gummi bears when suddenly the phone rings and "woo hoo we have an aide....yeah". More like I called the agency in June after a 6 month wait and got "oops, we lost his file" and then " yeah we found his file it should be very soon" and then I called back in August and "oops we lost his file....again.....yes, I know we shouldn't keep losing it....or at very least we shouldn't admit it to the mother whose been waiting forever to have her kid seen....but yeah we found it again. Aren't you so happy? We'll call you tomorrow". Yah, I wish the gummi bear thing had happened. That would have sucked way less on so many levels. So moving on.....

Today was the big day. They called. We now have the appointment to meet with the supervisors to find out what my new priorities for Andrew's care are since it's been almost a year since we started this process and after so much time passing we have new and bigger aspirations for him and a new school schedule that is quite different from last years.....so we have to meet with them first before we get the aide......awesome. Can't we just get to the actual intervention part? The kid is 12 already!!

Now I'm kind of freaking out which is totally stupid. For the record I used to be an aide doing almost exactly this same job working with kids just like Drew who have Autism. The only difference was that I worked with preschoolers and not school aged kids. So I don't know why I feel so unprepared. I think it's because my house has become a bit of a wasteland over the last 9 months as I lay crippled up from having whiplash and a concussion. I guess that's a pretty good excuse but still. Maybe the 18 year old kid who slammed into the back of me at a red light that I had been stopped at for....oh.....at least 2 minutes would like to come over and clean my house for me. Oooohhhh. I should ask for that in the settlement. "I'll take a million dollars and house cleaning". I like it.

Anyway, I have exactly 15 days to get my house in good enough shape to have someone I don't know come in and roll around on my floor. Ready.....go.....

Egg?.....for real?

Today I'm going to question the sanity of the people involved with Cirque du Soleil. For all of you who love these shows I'm warning you now that you might not like my post. If you are a water, egg, or whatever lover then you can stop reading now if you'd like.

I will confess that I've never been to any Cirque show. But this is my blog and I will comment on it as if I had been to every one. The last production that came to to town was Eau. I didn't even think about buying tickets because not only do I find people twisting themselves in weird ways....well...kind of weird but neither of my kids would enjoy or benefit from this sort of thing.....or so I thought. Every year Andrew's school holds a magazine fundraiser. If you sell a certain amount of magazine subscriptions by a particular day you get entered into prize draws. Well guess what my kid wins. The Cirque du Soleil tickets. Good seats too. I had a soccer game so I had a great excuse to not go. Truthfully part of me wanted to see what all the fuss was about....especially when I didn't have to pay for it but I wasn't heart broken either. So my dad went with Drew. Just the two guys.

When they returned from the show the two of them had nothing but praise for it. Now for those of you who don't know I have had to take Andrew out of all kinds of events. A Raffi concert when he was 4, the Children's Festival at two separate shows, library story time, etc. All because he couldn't handle the acoustics of the venues. He also is the kid that wouldn't tell you he was run over by a steam roller unless you said "Hey Drew, how was your day? Did you get run over by a steam roller today?" So imagine my shock when he talked about it for several days afterwards. I heard all about this person or that, what he found funny, etc.

Okay so here I would have deprived my child from a unique cultural experience had it not been for him winning tickets. Lesson learned. Never assume Drew won't like something even if he's hated every other similar event you've ever tried. Got it. That brings me to my dilemma. The newest Cirque show is Ovo which means egg. What is with that? Um....yuck. Do they know that eggs are unfertilized reproductive material? Doesn't that just scream cultural event? I mean at least Eau (water) isn't yucky!! I guess this would be a good time to mention that eggs (from chickens) and I don't exactly have a fantastic relationship. I mean, I get that they are food and that they make your baking yummy and stuff but I don't like thinking about them too much. Never have. In fact when I found out what eggs were as a child I stopped eating them for years and years. When I see a yellow yolk all I can think about is cute little baby chicks somewhat like the ones in this picture.

Years later when I finally did eat them again it wasn't happily. Now I can manage eggs most of the time. But that doesn't mean I want to see a whole show of people rolling eggs, popping out of eggs, eggs swinging from a trapeze, and generally seeing people tossing glitter on eggs as they prance around in their colorful unitards with creepy smiles painted on their faces.....hello nightmares!!

And I mean what will they do after Ovo? Will it be Peluche? or Yeux? or Scarlatine? Those all sound kind of cool but in order they mean lint, eyes, and Scarlet Fever. Not so cool sounding now are they. And Ovo? What the hell?

But then the "you-need-to-enrich-your-children's-lives-so they-don't-miss-the best-experience-of-their-entire-young-life" part of me says suck it up princess and get your butt to the show. You'll have to excuse me if I never eat eggs again though....Ewwww!!

Hello?.......Hello?

I live in a small suburban district in a large city. We are very lucky to be an older community that has established trees, a public school, lots of small shops, and plenty of playgrounds. We are one of the smallest communities in our city and I think we could brag about the number of parks we have here. Including the one at the school we have 9 individual playgrounds. When you hear that most of the kids in New York City have to go to McDonald's to find a playground and we have so many within walking distance you have to be a little bit impressed. That being said tonight I did a circuit to the playgrounds. What do you think I found? This......

Did you notice that there was not one child playing? What the hell is wrong with us as a community? The only playground that I found any children at was the school park where only a handful of kids were. Now let's face it part of the issue is that almost all of these playgrounds are exactly the same.....colorful climbing frame close to the ground to prevent falls, a baby swing, a regular swing, and a small slide. Not much for a child over the age of 5 to enjoy but really? We are so lucky to have playgrounds and yet nobody plays at them. It was a warm summer night. Get you're butts outside people!!

These ain't Tic Tacs

These days going anywhere has become quite an event. Because of my residual back and neck pain from my accident and my awesome stomach issues....whatever the cause.....means that I have to plan my life around taking pills. I've even taken to having a plastic pill container in my purse to help me keep track. Nothing screams elderly more than having a colorful plastic box in your purse that says morning, noon, dinner, and bedtime right?

My very best days are 6'ers. Those are the days when I can get away with just my basic 6 pills for nerve pain. Yes, that's as good as it gets people. Sexy right? In preparation for this blog I sat down and thought about how many pills a bad day takes. I just about fell over it was so depressing. A really bad day can get me up to 32 pills in one day. Yes, 32!! That would be roughly 1 pill every 45 minutes all day long. Now that is uber sexy.

I wonder why I'm still single. Hmmm???

Little Orphan Cammie

We were out camping this weekend as we have been most of the weekends this summer. The kids have been having lots of fun exploring the rock beach at the river that runs beside our campground. I don't let them go down to the beach alone because I'm kind of paranoid they will get swept away. So that means the adults have to hear "Mom I was thinking about the beach and I'm not trying to pressure you so I'm not asking if we can go there soon". Subtle like a sledge hammer right?

So tonight Camryn and I went for a walk over there and she happily waded in the water, looked at rocks, and "saved" driftwood by setting if free so that it could be happy again.....yah not quite like pushing a beached whale back in honey. I sometimes wonder if someday I won't get a call from some foreign official that Camryn has been arrested while trying to save some endangered species from something. If she worries about driftwood....well let's hope the other government is friendly with Canada.

So after freeing all the sticks she could see we were walking back to our trailer. It was sunset and the sky was a beautiful mix of orange and pink clouds. Camryn reached out and gently grabbed my hand. It seemed like a perfect moment. Then she looks up at me with a very serious look on her sweet little face and says "Mommy sometimes I wish I was an orphan". "Um......Oh?" I said. Not really certain just what the appropriate response should be when your child wishes you were dead and they were all alone in the world. So I asked her why she wished to be an orphan hoping that it has nothing to do with me. To my relief it turns out that if she were an orphan she could live in nature all alone away from people....as if she couldn't just do that without sacrificing me in the process. Yah. The down side she said is that she'd be pretty sad and lonely if a bear attacked her and nobody was there to help. So now she doesn't want me to die after all. Phew.....and I was worried.

Oh the trauma

A few weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible stomach pain. I don't just mean regular pain. I mean the kind that makes you long for the day when your benchmark was giving birth without pain medication. Yes kids this was worse than that. I considered dialing 9-1-1 but the phone was pretty far away and I wasn't moving an inch. Sounds pretty lazy of me I know. That's me. Lazy Colleen. Anyway eventually it lessened and I was able to sleep. I debated going to the hospital still but if you can sleep through it then it's not really worthy of a 4:00am ER visit right? Famous last words I know.

So I ended up there at 11:00am instead. There were about 25 people waiting which is down right deserted for this city. I figured I'd have a 4 or 5 hour wait if no emergencies came in while I was there. Well apparently the triage nurse thought I was the emergency and as my butt hit the waiting room chair ready to settle in for the long haul of catching every cold and flu known to mankind and watching a stream of people come and go I heard my name called. I had a bed and an IV before I was even officially admitted as a patient. Guess I should have come in at 4:00am. Sigh.

Because of the stomach pain I was given about as much morphine as I wanted. As I learned this is self limiting because you eventually pass out and can't ask for more anyway. In my case this was every time I got a dose. I'd wake up a few hours later when it started to wear off. I'll never make it as an addict I guess. Such a lightweight.

Lucky for me the third time I came too I woke to find my 80 year old neighbor starting to strip in front of everyone. And when I say everyone I mean the entire ER. She even sang quietly to herself while her diamond earrings bobbed around......and I had the best seat in the house. "Nurse. Morphine....Stat!!" Oh the flashbacks.

Remind me to do myself in before I get to that point....or better yet just put me in a backwards onesie so I can't undress myself. Blah.

As with many things in my life these days I am having to be patient. I was discharged later the same day without many answers as to what caused my pain. I've been waiting for my "urgent" CT scan for two weeks now. Not that I really want to have a second one so soon. For those of you who read my February post called Bacon: a cautionary tale you'll recall how happy I was to have an increased risk of brain cancer from this technology that was supposed to help me feel better. Now I suppose I have double an increased risk....whatever that equals. Isn't health care wonderful? Since I'm waiting for the scan to be scheduled anyway I guess I can use my time to think about naked ER patients. If you hear me crying you'll know why.

Shorter pants

Last night was an interesting and eventful one in our house. We had just arrived home from a few days of camping and I was really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again. I should also mention that my bed at home has been under attack lately when one of the cats decided that it passed as a second liter box and once that happens the other cat thinks "hey why not?" I was lucky enough to have found a product that gets up pet stains really well after the dog made a very big mess last winter....seems he wasn't feeling well at all. I'll spare you the photos but let's just say it looked like my cream colored carpet had polka dots.....across the entire room. The cleaning spray is amazing. You spray it and walk away. It even says that on the bottle. No hours of scrubbing the carpet until you've given up all will to live. You squirt the stuff on and go make yourself a margarita to drown your sorrows. I don't quite understand how it works but I assume little enzymes go to work and actually eat the organic material. Don't think too hard about what that means when your dealing with cat pee and dog poop. Anyway it took a few applications but it saved my carpet and I had high hopes for my mattress.

Liquid Miracle

So we got home after the weekend only to find that my bed wasn't quite ready for me to sleep on it....but I'm holding out hope it will be soon. In the mean time I've spent the last 2 weeks bunking in the spare bed in Andrew's room. It's not the most comfortable substitute for my pillow top mattress but it beats the couch when you have neck and back problems. So there I was fast asleep last night when I heard something. I slowly opened my eyes to see Camryn's silhouette starring at me. Through tears she told me that both her legs were hurting her.

She limped back to her bed and after some pain killers I laid beside her and massaged her legs. It was probably about an hour before she was back asleep. By then her arms and legs were twisted in mine and I wasn't about to risk waking her to get back to my uncomfortable bed. So there I slept with her and about 25 stuffed animals in a twin bed.

This morning it occurred to me that maybe her painful legs were a growth spurt. So when she finally woke up I had her assume the usual pose against our dining room wall and sure enough she had grown a half an inch overnight. She was pretty excited about that but still not very impressed about the bad night sleep. I can relate. I miss my own bed so much!!

Camryn grew right out of the shot  =)

Trend setter?

Up until recently Andrew relied on me to pick out his clothing in the morning. This was somewhat of a necessity because he would wear shorts in a blizzard if I didn't. You may be tempted to assume that he would choose the shorts because he wanted to be cool or something. In reality Andrew will just grab any top and bottom he can find and put them on. They might not match. They might not fit any longer. They might not work for the weather. I believe that his Autism diagnosis plays a role in this. He knows that he's supposed to put on a top and a bottom in the morning and in his mind he's met that requirement if he is wearing any kind of shirt and any kind of pants or shorts.

So I've tried to be diligent about removing clothing that is either too small or the socks with holes....because he will put those on even if the hole is big enough to put your fist through....true story....and I now hide the shorts in winter time. With all these precautions in place I have been trying to let him pick out his own clothing because this is an important life skill and also something that other kids his age have been doing for several years now.  I try to butt out as much as possible but this week we ended up with a long sleeved rugby shirt with shorts on a scorcher of a day. So now we bring a "just in case" t-shirt with us so he can change when he gets too hot. We've also seen the emergence of a new fashion trend as seen below. All I have to say is that it's a good thing he goes to an Arts school.

Bringing the socks with sandals look back

"Let's talk about infectious disease kids"

The kids and I have been talking about a lot of nasty diseases lately. This wasn't really by choice mind you. It all started a few weeks ago when our provincial government decided that everyone should have to hear and see endless commercials about syphilis. I would like to state for the record that I think it's good to raise awareness particularly right before the start of the Calgary Stampede. For those that are not familiar with the seedy side of this wonderful tourist spectacular I will fill you in. Most bars in or around the Stampede have a "ring check". This is like a coat check service for your wedding ring. Awesome of the bars to help you cheat on your spouse right? Yah. I've heard personal tales of people using port-a-potties for these hook-ups too. I wish I were kidding. Ewww.

So you can imagine that there is a certain demographic of people here who really need to be encouraged to get all kinds of testing done. The fewer people with syphilis or other STD's is great. However the government runs these at all times of the day...on every channel and every radio station. Besides being extremely repetitive I've hated this onslaught for one simple reason. I had to tell my kids what syphilis is. Then being the worrier that he is Andrew thought he could catch it from just about anything. I mean after all they talk about it all the time so in his mind it's everywhere. So then I had to tell the kids how most people catch syphilis. I think it's safe to say that my dream that my children won't have sex until they are 30 just might come true now.

So as if that wasn't enough infectious disease talk already two days ago Andrew develops what I think must be his first pimple. Right there on his nose. Then by morning it had blistered and was looking pretty sore. Then another small cluster of red spots turned into blisters. Hmmm. It was starting to look bad by dinner. I brought him to the walk-in clinic and guess what? It's impetigo and it's highly contagious. Oh goody. At least we figured it out early before it spread. I'm not totally new to this lovely face eating disease. Well it doesn't really eat your face but it looks terrible. Camryn had it when she was a toddler and it's a nasty one. It's been about 6 years since then and we've avoided it up until now. Sigh.

Drew's red blistered nose

So poor Drew is highly contagious and a little sensitive about it all. Probably doesn't help that everyone is staying away from him and using Lysol Wipes on everything he touches. It was just one of those tear filled days. He is normally very cuddly and it's been hard for him to be kept at an arms length. But today during one of his many tear filled moments he needed a cuddle badly. So imagine me with a gangly (almost) 12 year old on my lap. Tears streaming down his face and over what is now his raw sores. Me cuddling him in what could be described as a mothers loving embrace....and all I could think of was how soon I could get to the antiseptic hand wipes and sanitize myself. What's wrong with me? Ugh.

"Supa-star"

So I just got back from our last soccer session of the season. I have been unable to play soccer for months due to my car accident in December but I've been living vicariously through Camryn who just finished up with a goalie training clinic. I was a bit peeved because after signing up for the 9 sessions we had to miss the first one because they planned it only 2 days in advance. Then they decided to cancel one that fell on a long weekend and then 2 were rained out. That plus 3 birthday parties that were at the exact same time as training sessions you can imagine how many we made it to. Needless to say Camryn was looking forward to being able to attend this last one. She loves being a goalie but I've told her that at only 9 years old I don't want her to specialize yet. I think it's too young to lock yourself into a position for the rest of your life.

Now for those of you who think I'm being overly dramatic....or those who are just unfamiliar with how youth soccer goes these days I will tell you that this is no exaggeration. There are training academies for 6 year olds. If your child shows any promise in soccer they will be actively recruited to play higher tiers. How do you move to the higher tiers?....oh by attending technical sessions, fitness sessions, regular practices, and games. Our "neighborhood club" has their top tier 7 and 8 year olds actively engaged in soccer an average of 6 times per week. The parents are expected to make sure their child is at everything unless they are bleeding from their eyes....then it's just optional. The parents are told how their child could get scholarships one day or be on the national team 10 years down the road. It's not just a scam to try to get kids to sign up. This is really the goal for these kids. Oh and if your child blows their knee out the first semester into their 4 year scholarship guess what? Bye bye scholarship. These kids are nothing but commodities. But don't tell their parents that because they don't want to hear it. Of course it wouldn't work if the kids weren't on board right? I know you thought that didn't you? Well if you are told by all the adults in your life that success for you lies on the soccer pitch and they groomed you from the time you were 5 or 6 years old to be a soccer star you'd believe it and want it so bad you could taste it.

Camryn just wants to play soccer but we went to one of the try-outs last year which they now call Player Evaluations. Basically every kid in an age group is expected to attend. They run them through a series of drills and then pluck they best of the best out for the top teams. When I heard one mother say to her 8 year old daughter "Stop limping or they'll cut you for sure" I knew I was okay with Camryn being in the bottom rungs of the club. I mean doesn't anyone want their kid to play for fun anymore? We opted out of the next year's evaluation. I think the club thought I was nuts when I asked for her to just be placed on the "bottom" tier team. But they did it.

Does that mean she didn't get sat way more than her fair share? Nope. She most certainly did. The coaches had high hopes for their own daughters and one even told me that he believed in fair playing time but that they wanted to win and didn't I understand that they needed to use their stronger players. Presumably that was meant to make me feel better about driving for an hour to watch my kid get 10 minutes of playing time in an hour long game. I will say for the record that I don't think she does suck. She was the smallest player on the team in size but she could beat the other girls in a foot race. She also worked her but off every time she was out there. Sadly she wasn't the only kid warming the bench this season.

Needless to say I was looking forward to the end of soccer for awhile. First we had just one more goalie training session to get to. So we showed up on a warm Saturday afternoon to find to our surprise that Camryn was the one and only kid to show up for it. Out of the 15 kids to start we were the only die-hards. Camryn had a one-on-one session with the best looking trainer in the club. "Oh Ramon". (Sigh) I was pleased on all fronts. Cam worked her butt off as usual and got more out of 50 minutes of training than she has in the rest of the season combined. It was so much fun to watch her improvement in less than an hour.

I'm still planning on asking for her to be placed in the lowest tier for indoor season in the fall because I do believe that soccer should always be fun at this age. I may doom her to never getting a soccer scholarship but I'm okay with that if it means she can actually enjoy her childhood and not spend it doing some variation of soccer every single day of the week whether she likes it or not. Call me crazy....

Camryn learning how to "punch" the ball.

Cat for sale, cookies for free

Andrew just finished grade 6 and is off to the awesome world of Junior High. In celebration his class had an end of the year party. All the kids were asked to bring something so Drew signed up for cookies. Not a huge deal in the big scheme of things but it just so happened I was having a brutally bad day. Over the previous three nights I had a sum total of sleep that would probably be recommended in one night. That came with it a rockin' migraine headache. You can imagine how good my mood was too. It was just one of those days when I should have just pulled the blanket up and over my head before I even hit snooze button in the morning. But Drew was so excited about the cookies that I couldn't help but want to make some for his party.

Before we could even think about the cookies though we needed to deal with dinner. Even though I was feeling like a bus had backed up over me I managed to make a home cooked meal.....despite the fact that the McDonald's was screaming oh so loudly to me.....okay well the McDonald's near us is undergoing a complete renovation which may have slightly impacted my decision to just cook.....but I'll take all the credit for being a wonderful mother anyway. I also managed to not only make 4 dozen cookies but I even had the patience to have the kids help me every step of the way too. 

You will notice that they opted out of the cleaning up part. Sigh.

So after all of that you'd think I deserved a major award and a few freshly baked hero cookies right? So what did I get instead? I will tell you. Just try not to be too jealous. I got another pile of cat poop on my bed.....discovered when I went upstairs to go to sleep. Awesome don't you think? It was good though....while I waited for the laundry to finish I had plenty of time to list the cat on E-bay. Okay I didn't but I really wanted to.....

What if I just cancelled summer vacation?

The end is near. No, not the end of the world. The end of this school year. Both kids have exactly one day left of school this year. Okay, Andrew would be quick to correct me. He has a half day tomorrow so he has less than a day of school this year. Either way both he and Camryn seem excited about the start of summer vacation. I wish I could share in the excitement. I really should be happy about it. It's the end of having to think about lunch at 6:30 am when I'm half asleep and realize that I should have bought some groceries the day before. The end of having to worry that the kids have a matched set of mitts, socks, or even shoes available. No more homework to help them with for 2 whole months. Not to mention the fact that it's summer and we are actually getting weather that is worthy of shorts. Hooray.

But you see in my house the end of school is an end to the predictable routine of life. Even though both my kids are looking forward to summer they do not do well with any kind of changes including summer vacation.

OMG

The next week....okay get real Colleen.....the next two weeks are what I call my own personal purgatory. I can expect non-stop fighting and moodiness from the kids. They don't mean to get into trouble but because they are so "off" during the first few weeks of doing nothing in particular and because there are two of them it is the least fun time of our year.  It's kind of like when you think having a second baby will only be twice as much work as having one but then you realize that rather than doubling you should have squared the amount of work. Two grouchy children is really like having four because they fight with each other so even if one started the day okay by the end everyone is moody and miserable.....especially me!!

Me in the morning. Okay, I'm not wearing any make-up and my hair isn't brushed but you get the picture.

Please give me the strength not to sell my children to the highest bidder or to lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of red wine. Time to hunker down and get'er done.  

Coming out of the dark ages

Okay I'll admit it. I'm one of the least technical people on the planet. I know that if you plug it in and push the power button something should happen....beyond that....well I'm usually lost. So I have been writing my blog for almost exactly 18 months now.....only about 7 of that seriously dedicated and I'm only just now discovering the wonderful world of blog gadgets. For those of you that don't know these are nifty little features....yes I said "nifty". Get over it. These are awesome (happy now?) features that you can add to make your blog even more amazing or easy to use. Yeah me!!

So I'd like to announce that I finally have figured out how to add an RSS feed button as well as a "Follow by email" button so that you can more easily sign up for my blog....should you want to continue reading my crazy rants and the drivel I put out from time to time. Hey you asked for it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

These two features are now located just to the right of my amazing and inspiring content. ----------->

If I'm a Yummy Mommy I'll eat my yoga pants

Lately I've had a bit of an identity crisis. I've been in limbo in several areas of my life. The first and foremost involves my health. After my car accident 6 months ago I haven't played soccer. Being active was part of my identity. Being part of a team also was a way I viewed myself. My doctor wants me to stay hopeful that I'll get back to that but after so many months I still can't really even walk for more that 15 minutes without risking a rocking migraine. I'm also starting to realize just how independent I used to be. Having to rely on other people for so much has also changed how I view myself.

My overall physical condition has changed what I can do at work. I used to be able to get down on the floor to do therapy with the kids on my caseload. Now I don't really have a caseload because I can't do much of anything I used to. There is even some suggestion that work is already looking at retraining me in a new position. I'm not sure what to think about this. The job I am doing now is something I love. I adore working with kids who have autism. This is an enormous part of my life's purpose and who I feel I am at my core. I busted my butt getting through university....most of that time spent working and raising kids while I also took classes. I kind of felt like I had arrived!! Now it feels a little bit like I'm getting kicked out the club. So I have to face the same old question. Just what do I want to be when I grow up?

So it got me thinking: what identity do I still have left? I mean who the hell am I now? I don't play soccer, I don't really have a function at work, and I can't really do much of anything here at home. For now I guess I'm a mom and a blogger. Does that make me a Mommy blogger? I don't really consider myself to be in that league. I guess I see a true Mommy blogger as someone who blogs everyday or at least pretty close to it. I see myself as a casual blogger. Sure I post at least once a week but I guess it just seems different to me.

And please don't think I'm a Yummy Mommy. I don't know if I trust any mom who has her hair and nails done perfectly by 8:30am as she pushes a high end baby stroller around the neighborhood in her size 0 Lulu Lemon clothes. She is a mirage people. She is probably a super model who rented the baby for the day so that she can look like she's better than you. Don't be fooled. Even if I had a whole team working on me I couldn't look Yummy at any time of the day. I'm lucky if my clothes aren't covered in dog hair. Be thankful I took a shower already. That's the best I can do for yah.

So for now my identity is yet to be sorted out. As long as I don't become a Scummy Mommy blogger I guess I'm doing okay.